Page 133 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she said.

“You too,” I whispered, feeling like a fraud. It wasn’t a pleasure. I was stressed, confused as hell, and hoping I wasn’t making a fool of myself.

“What do you want to know about Reuben?”

There were so many questions I didn’t even know where to start. I opened my mouth, stammered, and shut it again, then drank my entire shot.

What was I doing here? What was important to know? What mattered to me more than anything else?

Megan was sitting straight and collected, waiting for me to decide what to say.

“Do you regret it,” I blurted out. “Do you regret your time with him, even how it ended?”

“Oh, God no. I could never.” She got a nostalgic look in her eye. “Alice, here’s the thing about Mister Weston. He keeps his promises. He promised me, when we first got involved, that if I ever left his care, it would be on my terms, and I would come away a better person than I was when I entered it.

“When I first left, I felt broken. I felt like he’d ruined me, like I’d never be happy again. But...” she smiled, as if remembering something pleasant.“He taught me a lot of things. One of those things was to make conscious, intentional decisions and be confident in them. I was a spacey, confused, apathetic doormat before I met him. He taught me how to think through my choices, and make a decision that I could stand by, so I could always look back and know I made the best decision I could at the time.

“With that in mind... no, I don’t regret anything in our relationship. I don’t regret my three and a half years with him, I don’t regret my selfless service to him, and I don’t regret leaving. Because I learned not to regret my decisions. I know that every choice I made, I made with intention, and it was the best decision I could have made at the time with the choices I had.”

“Would you go back to him?”

“No... but not because he wasn’t good to me. I’m not right for him. He always needed me in addition to his other submissives. I wasn’t enough for him by myself. And now that I have Noah... I’m enough for Noah. He loves me the way I need to be loved. And he needs me to serve him the way I need to serve. That was never enough for Reuben. I was okay with that, because he had other people to fulfill those needs, and I filled a very clear role for him. But when he lost Robin, he lost a lot more than his Princess that day. Did he tell you what happened?”

“About the accident? Yeah.”

“And he told you he thinks it’s his fault?”

I hadn’t put those two pieces of information together. I knew he’d had a dream, and he’d ignored it. But it made a lot of sense that he blamed himself for her loss. “His dreams, right?”

She wrinkled her nose slightly when I mentioned it. “He has a lot of guilt about it, and he won’t talk about it. Not to Becca or Mike, or anyone really. He lost almost everything he cared about in that accident, including all his subs. A few of them left on their own, and the others he told he needed some time. I don’t think he meant to permanently end things with all of them, but that’s just what happened.

“Eventually it was just me, and him. So then, not only was he depressed and in mourning, his needs weren’t being met. The monster inside him was starting to win, and he felt guilty about letting it out on me. I’m not a masochist. He taught me to take pain, but Ihateit. And he knew that, so he avoided doing impact sessions with me. Pain is his love language, and I don’t speak it.

“Robin’s death affected our relationship in more ways than one. When it was just the two of us, I felt like a stranger living in his house. I felt like a maid. Like hired help... an inconvenience. Robin was so integral in the way we communicated and in the way I served him. It was like a mom and dad losing a child. We didn’t click anymore. I lost a daughter and a sister that day, too.

“So I stand by my decision to leave. He took the fall, claiming he released me because he needed to step back from the lifestyle, and hoping that nobody would judge me for my lack of commitment. But that’s not really what happened.”

She took a sip of her drink, and then twirled her straw as she spoke.

“Here’s the thing. Reuben never would have let me go. If I hadn’t left, I would still be his today. And I would have missed out on all the experiences I had as a result. I would have missed out on being Miss Becca’s submissive, and then Noah’s. Becca taught me to love myself again and helped me through losing Robin. Noah taught me how to love others again, how to open myself up and be selfless in my service, and enjoy that headspace without guilt. And I love both of them, and I’m so glad I had the experiences I did. Honestly, as much as I miss Robin, I’m much happier now than I was with him.”

“What was she like?” I asked.

“Oh my God. Spoiled rotten.” Megan laughed. “She was... well, okay. Do you know what he does? His real job?”

“Yeah, The Weston House and the girls he saves.”

“She was one of those. She was in her late twenties, maybe early thirties, but she wassoLittle. Regressed to two, maybe three years old. She was a sweet princess. She loved to color and play, and sing, and draw him pictures. She felt safest when he was in arms reach, and she liked to wear a leash attached to her collar. He would take us on walks in the park sometimes. She liked to pet the dogs we found, and swing, and go down the slide with him. He absolutely adored her.”

I smiled at the idea of Reuben holding a girl on his lap going down the slide.

“Is there anything you wish you could change?” I asked softly. “If you could go back... is there anything you would do differently?”

She nodded sadly. “When Reuben and I parted ways, it took me a while to emotionally recover. For a long time, I held onto this idea that I would never find anyone else like him. That he was it, that I’d never find that connection, that trust, that emotional intimacy with anyone else. And I resisted another partner for a long time.

“It took almost five years, but when Reuben finally asked if I would meet a friend of his, I said yes. I wish... I wish I had said yes sooner. Because when I did finally meet him, I felt like I came alive again. I felt like the color was back in my world. I neglected myself for so long, convinced myself of the lie that I’d never have another chance... anyway, I wish I’d let that lie go a lot sooner.” She smiled at me again, but then her face fell into concern. “Are you okay?”

I reached up to my face. Sure enough, I was crying again.

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