Page 128 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

I stared at the sandwiches, the plastic containers of leftovers, the frozen burritos, and gave up after I realized that nothing sounded good. I’d rather just be hungry.

Becca and Simon had both texted me, but I ignored them. Reuben had called four times and sent a few messages as well, but I didn’t look at them. I laid in bed and stared up at the ceiling, wishing I was in my galaxy room with him instead.

But that would never happen. Because we would never work. Why get invested if he was just going to cut me off when I got frustrating? Better to just enjoy the time we had and move on before I got my heart broken again. If I’d had my sharps, I would have used them.

Maybe I could steal a bottle of something sweet and alcoholic from the liquor cabinet. That might help. And since I was on an empty stomach, it wouldn’t take much. I found myself a bottle of Screwball and retreated to my room.

Finally, when I was sloshed enough, I read through the messages.

Becca: I didn’t get a chance to talk to you! Why did you run off?

Simon: Hey Sprite, I heard you’re here but I don’t see you.

Reuben: Alice, I don’t know what I did or said to make you take off like that, but I’d like to talk about it.

Reuben: Please just tell me what is upsetting you. I won’t bother you if you don’t want this. But I’d like to know where things went wrong.

I sat up in bed and responded to Reuben only. Maybe one day I’d patch things up with Simon and Becca, but it was unlikely.

Alice: I’m going to pisss u off, Reuben. You desserve better then that. This inst gonna work. I’m srorryy. I really like you and I think if I wasn’t so broken we would be happy. But it’s to late. I’m fuked. I hope you find yr dream sub. Because I’m not her.

He responded immediately.

Reuben: You are, actually. And I think you underestimate my patience.

Alice: That’s not the point. You deserve smeone who wll be good to u.

Reuben: I need someone who is good FOR me. And I think that’s you.

Alice: I’m a shit. A drunk littl shit.

Reuben: Yes. But you’re MY little shit.

Alice: You don’t know how fucked up I am.

Reuben: You’re talking to the guy who can’t climax unless you’re screaming.

Alice: Im emotionally unavailable.

Reuben: I want your submission, not your emotions.

Alice: I will destroy you.

Reuben: I know. I can’t wait.

I broke down in tears and struggled to type after that. I wanted to run downstairs, hop in my car, and drive back up the mountain, and throw my arms around him. Why did I always break relationships? Was every single one of them that fell apart my fault?

Why the hell did this man like me so much anyway?

Reuben: I’m leaving Tuesday at 9am and will be in DC for at least 2 months. I know that after a week together, me being away is going to be upsetting to you. I’m asking you to be brave, and not cut me out. I would like to explore this more. I understand if you want to wait, and I don’t want to pressure you. Alice, you specifically asked for consistency and a commitment. I am not going to string you along, but I’m going to hold you to that same standard. To me, that means, please don’t run away from me and refuse to talk about it when you get upset about something.

Reuben: You said you wanted someone to hold onto you and not let you go. I will do that for you, sweetheart, but it’s got to be you that comes to me. When you’re ready to submit to me, I’ll be ready to take you... but that means I’ll keep you.

Alice: So what does that mean for us? That we’re just going to txt for the next 2 months? Or are u tryign to get me to come with u?

Reuben: I am not trying to “get” you to do anything. I would love to have you with me, even for just a few days or a weekend. But as I said before, that is a very big step. If you feel comfortable coming up to stay with me for a few days, you’re more than welcome to do that.Otherwise I’d like to continue to talk over text and on the phone.

Reuben: Alice, I know you’re scared. If this isn’t what you want, I’ll leave you alone. But I know what I want, and that’s for you to be mine.

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