Page 129 of Ashes of Sin and Stardust

Alice: You don’t even like me!

Reuben: You really think that? The past week with you has proven to me that, one, I was completely wrong about you, and two, I was at least a little bit wrong about myself. You’re clever, creative, and adorable. You make me laugh. And you are far too attractive for me to be trusted to be alone with you. Please give me a chance to prove it.

Reuben: Do you remember when I pulled you into that elevator, and you said I baited you? Sweetheart... I can’t tell you how on edge I was after our conversation in the snow, waiting for you to make that move. I’ve wanted you to be mine for longer than I care to admit over text.

I remembered the deep growl and the way his eyes flashed when he’d mocked me and slapped me around in the elevator. I remembered his hands on my ass and his fingers in my hair while he punished me and spanked me. That was exactly the kind of affection and play that I craved. And after his descriptions of favorite past scenes, his kinks, and his love of bullying pretty girls, I knew he craved it too.

I thought about our evenings together, and what life might look like with Reuben instead of here at Greenwood Valley. As much as I loved my new friends here, I missed my home. I would be back in my city, with the people I knew and loved, and I could annoy the shit out of my new favorite scary man. We would spend our evenings together, eating yummy food and teasing each other, and maybe he would tell me stories about things that were bigger and more important than me. I could see us happy. And I wanted it.

But I wasn’t sure if I could get my ass in my car and go down there and hand myself over on a silver platter. I wanted him to prove to me that he truly wanted me.

Reuben, please take away this choice for me,I thought. I imagined him coming down here and dragging me by the hair back to his house and locking me downstairs in his playroom, and convincing me that I was his toy. I wanted him to claim me. I wanted him tomake me.

Angrily, I texted him back, hoping to bring that fantasy to fruition.

Alice: I want that too, Reuben. But I told you before. I’m not going to drop to my knees just because you demand it. You want me? Come get me. PROVE IT.

Reuben didn’t answer for a long time. Finally, I got a reply.

Reuben: No, Alice. I told you how this is going to work. I know you want me to put you in your place. I know you want me to dominate you, to force you, to take control. I know you want to fight and lose. And I cannot wait to indulge in that. But I will not kidnap you. If this is what you want, come to me, and give me your submission. Prove to me that you mean it. But I won’t take what’s not mine.

Reuben: We can go as slow as you want. Let’s talk when you are calm and sober, and we get through this. Don’t cut me out, please. But I’m not going to make you mine until you make yourself mine.

Ugh, this man and his rules,I thought to myself. But I knew he wouldn’t be able to stay away from me for two months. I knew he wanted me to come with him. That’s why he’d told me what time he was leaving... so I could be ready to go with him.

He’d dragged me into an elevator for an ice cube. He wasn’t going to leave for DC for two months without me.

I knew I was being unrealistic. I was spiraling, and it was manipulative of me to want him to take control over me when I hadn’t truly committed myself to him. I knew, but I didn’t care. And I hated myself for that.

Can’t do anything right. You don’t deserve a healthy relationship anyway.

Frustrated, I tossed the phone aside and I cried myself to sleep.

Sunday I was useless. I hoped he would show up, even though he said he wasn’t going to be there. Alex kept looking at me with her silent, judging, expressionless face, and I knew she knew what I was thinking.Just go to his house,she would say.

I wanted to... but I couldn’t.

Monday I couldn’t stay still. I paced, I cleaned my desk four times, I made every phone call I needed to. My mood was all over the place. I kept looking at the door, hoping that he would get tired of my bullshit and show up. I kept checking my phone, wondering if he would text me and ask me what I had decided, or demand I come over, or threaten that he was on his way.

I snapped at Cat when she asked me a question. I don’t remember what she said, or my response, but her face hardened. She scolded me, telling me to get myself together or to go outside and take a walk until I was ready to act like an adult. I stomped outside and walked the paths around the church until my legs hurt and I had to stop because I couldn’t breathe. I decided I wasn’t doing shit until he reached out to me. If he didn’t really want me around, I wasn’t going to waste the pain hurting for him.

Tuesday finally rolled around. I kept hoping he would cave and come get me. The hours ticked by.

Nine o’clock hit.

Reuben never showed up.

I let my face fall into my hands.

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