Page 62 of Following Their Heart

Even though we’re all tired, I’m getting lots of affection from my guys. Every time one of them passes me, I get a kiss or a one-armed hug, or a wink. It’s nice. But it’s not complete.

Jud isn’t here.

His absence is a hole in my middle. As nice as last night was, as nice as the constant flirting with my guys is, my aching middle is throbbing with sadness and worry.

Did Raptor really take Jud? Do they have him locked up in the back of one of their trucks as they retreat back to New Orleans? Did they…kill him?

I hate even thinking about that possibility, but it’s part of why the hole through my center is so big and black and empty. If we find out Jud’s been killed, I don’t think I’ll ever recover from it.

I keep remembering being in the shelter with him. Him entering me with a groan. Making love to me. Saying with his body what I know it’s too soon for him to say with words. Claiming me. Filling me with his come.

It turns out I really like having my guys come on me and in me. This is something I never would have guessed about myself. But there it is. I like come. I like sex, and apparently, I like it messy and slippery and I like to be dripping with the evidence after.

Because that was what happened last night. And when Doc mentioned condoms to me, I felt a pang of loss. I don’t want to miss out on Brawn spilling his ejaculate onto my breasts or Shep pouring his delicious seed down my throat or Rev and Grim pumping me full of their passion. The thought of depriving myself of that intimacy feels abhorrent.

But my conversation with Doc in the wee hours of the morning reminded me that there could be consequences. Sex with no precautions usually leads to pregnancy. I kind of forgot about that with everything going on. I’m figuring out who I am as a woman and where I fit here among my men, but I lost sight of my real purpose. Reproduction.

A few days ago, the thought of getting preggers at twenty would have filled me with dread. But now—now, I’m sort of wondering if it would be so bad. I mean, having seven fathers to help out sort of eases my anxiety about the challenges. There would always be someone to watch over our child. There would be plenty of love. Plenty of protection and provision.

I wonder what it would be like to nurse a newborn. To change a diaper. I burped my baby cousin once and ended up with warm, milky baby-barf all down my back. That was gross. But if it wasmybaby, if I got to snuggle him or her and trade smiles and sing songs and have my finger gripped in a chubby fist…

“Earth to Cora.” Scrap nudges me with an elbow before taking away my empty plate. “Time for a meeting, baby girl.”

I look up to find everyone gathered around the fireplace, looking at me expectantly. Rev stands front and center. His gaze on me is gentle. Concerned.

Last night, I promised him my support, yet here I am woolgathering instead of paying attention. Clearly, pregnancy isn’t an issue right now. If I haven’t had any periods in almost two years, it’s pretty certain I’m not recovered from being so underweight—I heard that can make you stop having periods. Not to mention the trauma, which Leon dealt me in spades. I get up from the cafeteria table, putting all thoughts of potential motherhood out of my mind. We’ve got more important things to think about right now, like finding Jud and getting him back.

“Sorry,” I say, going to Rev. He’s so tall that when I reach up to hug him, he has to bend to accept my arms around his neck. But this is no problem for him. In fact, he holds on like that, bent over me, surrounding me, for a good, long while. I drag in his scent of tobacco and Earl Grey, and I remember riding him while the others surrounded us last night.

“No worries, sweet girl,” he whispers to me. “We’re all a little off today.”

From the shelter of his hard chest, I peek around the room. My guys all look tired. Beaten down. But each of them has a smile for me when I meet their eyes.

I know how they feel. We love each other. But we’re missing a member of our family.

Reluctantly, I leave Rev’s arms and take a seat beside Grim. Last time we were on this couch together, I was blissfully naked, and he was moving inside me. Making me feel incredible.

He links his fingers with mine, stretching my hand because his is so large. Whenever I’m near Grim, he’s touching me. Touch is vital to him since he literally can’t touch any other living thing without killing it instantly. What a miracle that I’m immune to his Gift!

Sometimes I get bummed that I don’t have a Gift of my own, but maybe if I did, I wouldn’t have this immunity. Not being able to touch Grim would be like a death sentence. He’s my everything.Allmy men are my everything.

“Here’s how it’s gonna go,” Rev says, commanding my attention along with everyone else’s. “We ain’t gonna sing no songs. I ain’t got no fancy words for you. But you can consider this church, nonetheless. Because last night, while I caught a fewZ’s, the Working showed me what we’re gonna do.”

You could hear a pin drop, it’s so quiet. We’re all hanging on Rev’s impromptu sermon. We’re all eager to get Jud back, and it seems the Working has shown Rev how. Whatever he says, I’m determined to support him. I’ll be the first one to stand up and agree to do whatever I can, even if that means returning to the bomb shelter with Grim. Even if it means going down there alone. If that’s what my men need—what Jud needs—I’ll do it without complaint.

To show my early support, I nod at Rev.

He nods back solemnly.

“We’re gonna take two days to clean up, scout that downed chopper, learn what we can about the enemy, and pack up. On the third day, we roll out to get our brother back.”

“Fuck that,” Brawn says. He was leaning on the window frame, arms folded, but at Rev’s declaration, he stands up straight. “They’ll be back in New Orleans in three days. That’s their turf. We’ll be better off catching up to them on the road, where they’re low on numbers. We wait three days, they have a chance to fortify their position, hide Jud, you name it. Plus, they’ll be expecting us.”

Rev stares him down until the big guy looks away. Only then does he say, “You done?”

Brawn scowls.

“I realize this is gonna be hard to hear, but when we roll out, we’re not goin’ to The Big Easy. Not at first.”

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