Page 8 of Ruthless Malice

“Thank you, appreciate it.”

“You’re welcome.” Bull pockets the lone black ball on the felt table, ending the game. I don’t care. I’m just happy to spend time with him. He rounds the table and leans with his back against the table, crossing one leg over the other.

He’s got a cheery smile on his face, and it reaches his eyes, like my grandpa’s did.

You can tell him. Go ahead. Rip the band-aid off.

I sip my drink, staring at him over the rim. There’s a question in his eyes. “What? Is it the game? You want me to whip you in another round?” He chuckles as horizontal lines crease under his eyes. They don’t put me off. If anything, I want to put my hands on him.

“I want to tell you something. Can I?” I say, cringing at how timid I sound. This is the worst time to play myself.

“Sure darling, go ahead.”

“Bull, I-I…” I stammer, taking a deep breath.

“Go ahead. I’ll wait,” he says with a patient kindness.

I tug at my ponytail and start talking, the words pouring out of me once I start. “With you, I feel noticed. It’s like you see who I am. You’re not just staring at my tits all the time. It’s like when I talk to you, you look right into my eyes. I can feel you piercing my soul. I see that you really care about me and you’re not just trying to get something out of me. You’d be surprised the type of shit some assholes go out with me for, ‘uh... you think you can get rid of a parking ticket for me?’ It’s either that or ‘I’ve always wanted to fuck a woman in uniform.’ It’s so gross.”

I admit the bulk of what I want to tell him and it’s as if I’m shaking off some invisible weighted cloak on my back. I’ve been carrying it around so long, I haven’t understood the impact it’s been having on me. “The men in my life have been horrible, except for my gramps. My father was a crazy cop. I never knew my mother. I wish.”

“Wow, that’s rough on a woman. You didn’t have anyone there to talk to you about being a female.” He’s so kind, it’s making my heart melt.

I nod, half-ashamed and half liberated by his nonjudgment. “Exactly. I couldn’t ask my father about certain things. I had to learn on my own.”

“Shit, baby girl.”

“My father was so strict; all I could do was watch other kids while they went out with their friends. You know, petty stuff, like being able to go to the mall and kick around. Serenity Mall is not scary. He wouldn’t even let me go anywhere near there,” I said sadly, reliving parts in my head.

“You’re not going anywhere. I don’t know those kids. I don’t know those fucking Serenity brats coming here neither. Keep them out of this house.”

All I did was cook, clean, take care of all the errands and the bills.“Get me a beer from the fridge, would ya?”I hated when he asked me that because I knew it would always end in a plane crash.“You’re such a great fucking kid! You’re amazing. What would I do without you?”

I never responded. I would just wait for the avalanche of bullshit to hit. “Fucking Sheriff is a joke. He couldn’t run a department to save his life.”I had to duck and weave things being thrown when it was a dangerous shift.

“Dad, can I get you a beer?”I would try to pacify him, to no avail.

“I don’t want a fucking beer, Lily! I want you to do what I say. Why didn’t you take the trash out?”He would dig his hand into my arm, bruising it and dragging me over to the trash, putting my nose in it. “You see that? Fucking trash, bitch. Get it out.”If I got the Gene special, he would lock me in the closet.“You wanna defy me, huh? Then here’s what you get. You're worse than some others I work with.”

“Dad! Let me out. I’m not your prisoner!”The next day, after he’d slept it off and heard me banging on the closet for hours on end and I’d exhausted myself in the dark corner, he would let me out.

Bull’s eyes remain warm. He slips his hand in mine. He’s so attentive, it encourages me to keep speaking my truth out loud. “Bull, you lift me up. You make me confident and secure. With you by my side, I could conquer the world.” His face slackens, turning white, and he immediately hardens. “Are you okay?” I ask, licking my lips in doubt.

Bull storms off. No explanation,nothing. Right after I’ve poured my heart out to him.

I follow him, thinking something else must be wrong, but I watch him at the door as he cranks his motorcycle up and speeds off.

Tears stream down my face as I sob. “No!I’ve made the biggest mistake.” I drop to the ground for a minute, touching the dirt, working to catch my breath.

Arms wrap around me, helping me up. Through my tears, I recognize it to be Fiona.The nice one.

“Hey now, you’re all good. He’s a stubborn biker. They’re not the best with handling things. I assume this has something to do with feelings. Most of them have a ton of baggage, honey, but Bull will come back,” she whispers with a convincing smile as I cover my face in embarrassment.

“We were going so well! I don’t get it. He just like flipped out on me.” I swipe my tears away from my likely splotchy face. “It was obviously too good to be true. Who was I kidding? Poor little Lily, bitch, you think you’re that lucky that a man who sees you for who you are is going to stick around to deal with your story.” I break down into uncontrollable sobs. All the damage to my life is on the surface. “I can’t do it anymore. That motherfucker had me as a prisoner in my house. I don’t have anyone.”

“Who, honey? What? You got friends at the club,me. Come on in here. It’s getting cold.”

“My father, he used to lock me up and shit. He used to yell at me like a drill sergeant in the middle of the night. He would scare the crap out of me. Yelling, throwing stuff at my head and worse, he was a cop. He died on duty when I was eighteen,” I said, letting it all the dirty secrets of my upbringing tumble out.

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