Page 9 of Ruthless Malice

“Where have you been living, for fuck’s sake?”

“On my own… I know how to survive. I don’t wanna live in the house.”

“Damn girlfriend, you’re carrying a lot. And you’re a cop?” Fiona asks, rubbing my back as we walk inside. I’m a little better, but I feel raw and broken inside, like the parts to me don’t work.

“Yeah, he made me become one. I hate it!”

Chapter Five : Haunting

Bull

The wheels are burning and turning as I lean into the deep groove of the dark pavement. It’s curving like a serpent, and I snake my bike through Serenity’s back roads.

The heartbeat of my hog can’t do enough tonight to chase away the dark demons etched in my soul.

Why’d she have to utter the same words Merrie said to me before she left for heaven? That’s the only place my Merrie could have gone. She was an angel too sweet for earth, and some fucked-up driver mangled her up, taking her from my arms.

The amber lights from people’s homes whir past my eyeline as I press the accelerator, thinking by putting my foot on the gas, I will be able to outrun my history.

A fierce bite of wind cuts over my face as I push the limits of my hog. I’m riding to nowhere and it’s not going to make a difference. Merrie’s death is one I’ve never fully recovered from. Neither are the deaths of the units I was a part of in Panama. Flashes of the men I fought with hit me for six. Ronald, Terence, Adrian, Mitchell. In many ways, the Panama invasion left me disillusioned, but I fought valiantly, hanging onto the threads of my own life. Manuel Noriega didn’t stand a chance against us.

I’d watched the pelleting of guns hit Terence and Adrian in the back, right in the middle of Panama City. I’d tried to cover them, but I’d been too late. I had no choice but to keep running. Gunfire rang out around my head, and I’d had no chance to recover without moving forward for survival. I ran in jagged directions to get to my destination.

She’s only supposed to be leverage, Bull. You’re not supposed to give a fuck about her.

I’m a savage brute and I’m aware of it, but I’m not all the way heartless. Flashes of the past with me and Merrie dancing in the kitchen popped up.

“Hey baby, our song is on. Come and dance with me. I wanna see those hips swing.”

“Babe, I just got off work. You really want me to dance with me? I’m sweaty.”

“I want you as sweaty as I can get you, Bull. Come on, big boy. Come and dance with me.”

Every hip swing, every sway with her, was like magic. She brought me so much joy. I’d come home in a slump and the Merrie-effect would instantly lift it off my shoulders. It wasn’t only me she did this to—wherever she went, she smiled and talked to people. She would lift their spirits, from the post office ladies to the store clerks.

Her sweet, flirty giggle melted me every time, and that was a feat. To melt a hardened heart of a trauma-riddled biker like me had to have been a nightmare.

I’m trying not to break, but my heart is cracking open. The bike is getting wobbly, and I slow down, water in my eyes. These can’t be tears. I don’t know where they’re coming from. I keep powering the bike forward. I want these feelings to leave my system, but I can feel myself cracking up on the inside.

No crying like a bitch, Bull.

“Bull, you lift me up. You make me confident and secure. With you by my side, I could conquer the world.”Maybe Lily was Merrie reincarnated.Is that you playing tricks, babe from heaven?

Pushing the accelerator to nowhere, I let my hog roar forward to the Serenity lookout that shows us the town’s valley. Air is what I need, then I can get these thoughts together.

I’m in denial. Knee-deep in the crux of this bitch.

I’ve been chalking Lily up to being about getting some ass and leverage, but I can’t play this game any longer. It’s killing me. I’ve seen a ghost of the past and I’m craving her. When I touched those soft hands, they were just like Merrie’s. The way she hung off my every word was the same as Merrie's as well.

Those delicate pixie-like features. Lily’s too much of a reminder for my heart to bear, and I’m an old, crusty, hard man. I stop at the lookout car park, lighting up a cigarette. I take the first drag of my bent Marlboro, closing my eyes. The chill of the wind is the air I need to relax. All I can see is Lily standing in the doorway, face covered in tears as I ride out like a bitch.

I gotta go back. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t leave the girl that way.

Stubbing out my cigarette, I get on my bike and ride back to the clubhouse. I shut down the hog engine, idling for a minute.Merrie, why do you still haunt me?My thick-soled biker boots hit the ground as I enter the fold of the clubhouse. Fiona glares at me and she’s got Lily tucked under her wing. I’m just glad she stopped her crying. Shit broke my heart, and that’s a hard thing to do to a man with brick inside his chest where his heart should be.

Fiona offers me one more stern look as she leaves us alone to talk. I take a long moment, staring into Lily’s bright, childlike eyes. I hardly know here or how to start. Finally, the words come rushing out.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I didn’t mean to walk out on you like that, it’s just that… The strands of your honey-golden hair are identical to Merrie’s. Fuck me. Your candy lips are the same too.You must be Merrie.That sweet berry scent smells like wildflowers.You have it!I could’ve overlooked all of that, but what you said to me... I can’t ignore that, ‘with you by my side, I could conquer the world.’ My late wife Merrie said those exact words to me right before we got married. When you said that, it all became too real for me but-”

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