Page 8 of Purity

“Yeah, let’s go,” I say.

“Good luck,” Mari mouths as Cole and I start walking in the direction of the guesthouse.

“Is she wasted?” Cole asks. “Why would she tell Travis you want to have a drunken make-out session?”

I exhale. “I’ll tell you when we get inside.”

He halts in his tracks and turns around, his tall form hovering over me. “So there’s some truth to it? What is going on?”

The alarm has returned to his voice, and it softens something inside my chest. His tone reminds me of my sister today on the beach. It’s disorienting when the people we love change, even when those changes don’t directly affect us.

Still, if he’s this freaked out over some drunken kissing, how is he going to react when I ask him to take my virginity?

I take a deep breath. “You know how I’ve been struggling with some aspects of my faith?”

“Yeah…” He doesn’t sound any less alarmed.

“Well, the bulk of it is really just the purity part. I don’t think it’s healthy for me. I’ve come to see the word ‘pure’ as loaded and toxic. It implies that I’m tainted if I explore my sexuality.”

“I’ve always kind of thought that, but—” He closes his mouth and averts his gaze from mine. “Sorry, I shouldn’t say things like that.”

A warm smile rises to my lips. He’s always been so gracious about my religion, even the more extreme aspects it. Before I met him, I thought atheists were devil worshippers. The respect he’s showed for my faith marvels me.

“It’s okay to agree with me,” I say. “It doesn’t mean you don’t respect my religion.”

He nods slowly, his eyes growing absent as he glances around the lawn. “What does this mean? Are you really going to…get drunk and make out with someone?”

“It’s more than that. I have a whole plan for this summer. I have so much fear associated with all of the things that normal college students do, like going to parties and kissing boys. I’ve decided I need to attack it head-on. I actually wrote a list.” It takes my fingers only a moment to find the crisp paper inside my purse. “Mari and Vanessa helped me with it.”

As I unfold the paper, his expression grows even more bewildered, but I press on. “These are all the things I plan to do by the end of the summer. I even set a deadline—September seventeenth. It’s the day before I start my senior year.”

I hand him the list so that I can let it do the explaining for me and spare me the embarrassment of having to say the last one aloud. Cole’s brows draw together as he takes it from my hand. His gaze darts over the paper, and my throat grows tight. What is he going to say when he sees the last item? When his eyes nearly pop out of his skill, my stomach churns.

Here we go.

“Livvy, what is this?” His voice is quiet and oddly empty.

“I’m calling it my impurity contract.”

His chest rises and falls rapidly, and his nostrils flare. He opens his mouth and closes it. He shuts his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, as if collecting himself. When he speaks again, his voice is much gentler. “I know it must be hard being so sheltered. Having your first kiss and getting drunk seem completely reasonable, but losing your virginity? In three months?”

“It probably seems drastic to you—”

“Drastic? It’s fucking insane! How are you going from your first kiss to losing your virginity in three months? You don’t even have a boyfriend!”

Heat washes over my face and my chest. “You have sex all the time, and you don’t want to be in a relationship at all.”

He takes another deep breath, lifts both hands, and runs his fingers through his dark hair. “That’s different.”

He’s clearly upset, so I won’t call him out on the unfairness of the double standard. I won’t tell him how even though his protectiveness warms me, it sometimes makes me feel like a child. Instead, I stand in silence, giving him a moment to calm down.

“How did this happen?” he eventually asks. “You’ve been adamant about saving yourself for marriage for as long as I can remember.”

I keep my voice very soft. “A lot of my adamancy came from fear, I think. Fear of being tainted, of disappointing God and my future husband. But I don’t think I can marry a man who only wants me if I’m pure, even if he was raised the way I was.”

He nods slowly.

“I want to live a full life,” I say. “I don’t want to deprive myself of experiences out of fear. I’m about to start my last year of college, and I want to live like every other college student. Like you and Zac and Mari do.”

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