Page 9 of Purity

“So is this like Rum-something? I can’t remember what it’s called. The thing Amish people do?”

“Um…” My brow knits. “Do you mean Rumspringa?” I clench my teeth to keep from smiling, not wanting to shame him for lumping all Christian religions together. How would I expect an atheist to understand the nuances? “That’s not something evangelicals do.”

“I know, but is it similar? Like, are you planning on getting all of this out of your system before you settle back into your religion?”

“No, it’s not like that at all. My faith is evolving. I’m still a Christian, just a different kind than I was raised to be.”

“Okay, but why are you doing it like this?” He lifts my contract. “Why not just wait until you find a guy you really like. A Christian guy who’s in the same place as you. Someone who believes in God but doesn’t want to wait until marriage either. Then you can get to know each other and go through these things at a normal pace.”

“No, that won’t work. I’ve already missed out on so much of college life, and I refuse to start my senior year still a virgin. It’s time to face my fears. If I take it slow, I’ll never do it. I’ll end up waiting until I’m married to have sex, not because I want to, but because it’s the easiest route.” I point to the paper in his hand. “These things shouldn’t be scary or shameful, but they are to me, and with that fear comes all this baggage. Cole, I can’t even masturbate without feeling guilty afterward.”

His gaze snaps to my face, and his eyes grow wide. Even in the dusk, I can make out the brush of pink over his cheekbones.

I lower my gaze to the lawn. “Sorry if that makes you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s okay.” His voice has a raspy quality to it, and it makes me want to shrink inside myself. Jesus, help me, how am I going to ask him to take my virginity when he gets this awkward over hearing me say I masturbate.

“Livvy.” His tone is as firm as it’s been since we started this conversation. “This isn’t the way.”

My gaze snaps up. “What do you mean?

“I mean, doing all this before mid-September is a bad idea. You need to take it much, much slower.” He crosses his arms over his chest and stares down at me with hard dark eyes. “I won’t stand by and let you do something I know is going to make you miserable.”

My jaw clenches. I shouldn’t be upset. I knew Cole would do this at some point. He has a commanding disposition in general, but he’s especially bossy with me. I can’t blame him.

I’m an easy target.

I hate what his bossiness stirs within me. I hate that my first instinct is to submit to him. With effort, I lift my chin. “Why is that for you to decide? Why isn’t it enough for me to say this is right for me?”

His hard expression softens before he shuts his eyes. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

I set my hand on his arm. “I appreciate that you’re looking out for me, but I need you to trust me.”

His eyes pop open. “How is this right for you when you’re so shy? I intentionally kept this party really small—” he gestures over my shoulder, “—because I didn’t want you to be overwhelmed. How are you going to lose your virginity to a guy you barely know?”

Heat breaks out along my neck. It’s time to ask him, even if I’m dreading his response. “I was actually thinking of asking someone I know really well.”

His eyes widen in a look that could almost be described as horror, and then he looks away from me. “You mean you have someone in mind already?”

“Yeah.” My voice is faint.

The bulge on his throat rises and falls unsteadily. “Someone from your old church?”

“No.”

Jesus, help me. It’s now or never.

“Cole, I’m talking about you.”

FOUR

Cole

A heaviness settles over my body, hushing the world around me. For a moment, there’s only her. Those soft brown eyes that somehow had the power to make me feel safe and loved even when I hardly knew her. That plump pink mouth that I’ve had to train myself to never look at too long. I’m brought back to those heady moments years ago when I thought this angel could actually be mine.

How is this happening? How did everything shift in the span of five minutes?

For so long, she’s been out of reach. I had to bury the idea we could be together and force myself never to revisit it, or else our friendship would never work. You can’t pine for someone who can never truly be yours, not if you want them in your life long term.

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