Page 76 of Purity

Maybe the pall cast over my world and memories also clouded my perception of her. Maybe I didn’t see her correctly.

I withdrew from both of them after that trip to Arizona.

I lost both of them.

“I always thought she was sad,” I say. “I thought she was just waiting around, hoping you would stop treating her like shit, and that’s why she wouldn’t divorce you.”

“She wanted me to stop, but she wasn’t waiting. She wanted to stay married so that she could give you kids a stable childhood, and she didn’t want you to know about any of this. She was furious with me after Arizona.”

“Why didn’t you stop cheating? Why did you punish her for sixteen years if you supposedly love her?”

“I don’t know.” He lowers his head to his hands and runs his fingers through his hair again. “I didn’t think I had to stop. I never thought she would divorce me, and even though our relationship was shit, at least she was mine.”

My body grows utterly still.

Oh my God.

Isn’t that what I did with Livvy? I didn’t have all of her, but what I had was mine alone. I desperately needed her, and that gave her a terrifying power over me. It made me selfish and greedy. I kept her entirely to myself for years, and that meant I never had to confront what it would mean if she explored a life without me. If she’d dated… If she’d gotten a boyfriend…

I would have lost my mind. I nearly did from just watching someone else press his lips against hers.

My denial would have ended much sooner if I’d stopped clinging to her like I might die if I ever let go. No wonder she said I wanted her to live small. I would have locked her in a dungeon if it meant I could keep her forever.

Fuck, I’m a bastard.

She deserves so much more than what I’ve given her these past five years. She deserves to overcome all her fears and live a wildly full life.

I have to let her, no matter how much it terrifies me.

“You were afraid,” I say.

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t want to reconcile with her because you didn’t want to risk what would happen if she did something like that again. You were protecting yourself.”

He sighs. “Probably. It was torture finding out what she did.”

“Yeah, but isn’t this worse?”

He sighs. “This is hell.”

It is hell, but it doesn’t have to be. Not for me.

I know exactly what I’m going to do. I know exactly how I can show her how much I love her.

“What am I going to do without her?” my dad asks, and the pain in his voice pulls me out of my head.

Oh God, he doesn’t have the consolation of hope like I do. His stupidity has lasted longer and been much more destructive. He doesn’t have a prayer of winning my mom back after all he’s done.

I can’t even imagine his agony.

“Dad…”

“What?”

“Um…” I exhale as I try to find the right words. “I think I’ve been a little unfair to you. Over the years, I mean.”

At first, his brow knits, but then his whole expression softens.

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