Page 68 of Purity

“Livvy,” I say, my voice shaky. “Are you really saying what I think you’re saying?”

Her eyes grow glassy. “I have to do what’s best for me, as much as it breaks my heart. Going back to our old friendship would break my heart every day.” Her voice cracks, and she inhales an unsteady breath. I walk over to the bed and hold out my arms, but she lifts both hands. “No, I can’t be touched by you right now.”

“Livvy…” It’s a plea.

“You’ll be okay.”

Several tears fall down her cheeks, and I wish I could lift them back into her eyes. Why can’t we go back to five minutes ago, before we said words that changed everything?

“We’ll both be okay,” she says.

“No, I won’t!”

“You will. It’ll be hard at first but healthier for both of us in the long run. You’re too dependent on me emotionally, and I’m too much of a doormat with you.”

“You’re not a doormat! You own me. If you want a relationship, you can have it. You can have anything you want. I’ll worship you for the rest of my life. If I had any idea I was going to lose you, I would have said that from the beginning.”

Her lips quiver as she nods. “That’s the problem. Our relationship is whatever suits you best in the moment. You want to keep me in your life, and you’re willing to do something you don’t want to do—”

“I do want it!” My throat constricts, and I swallow to ease it. “I love you. I’ve been madly in love with you since the day we met.”

She purses her lips, not looking at all affected by my confession, and it makes me want to burst out of my skin.

“Cole, you’re saying that in a moment of desperation.”

I inhale a deep, shaky breath, trying to get my rapid heartbeat under control. “Yes, I’m desperate, but it’s also true. I promise you it’s true. I’ve been in denial about it. It was the only way I could keep you in my life without wanting to die for never being able to really have you.”

“You can really have me, though.” Her voice is brittle. “You just did, and you rejected me immediately afterward. My heart is broken. If you supposedly feel the same way, how can you not understand that?”

I raise both hands in the air. “I’m a fucking idiot! I was just scared that I might lose you. If not now, maybe a few months from now…or years…and that’s fucking terrifying!”

Her lips purse. “I was scared too, but not too scared to take the risk. Not after what we just shared.”

Oh God, she said something like that a few days ago. “You can’t have real love without risk.” How the fuck am I going to make her believe me?

“Livvy, please…” My voice cracks. “You’re my entire world, and it feels like that world is ending right now…”

Her eyes are full of compassion, as they usually are when I’m upset, but she hasn’t touched me once. She hasn’t set her hand on my arm and squeezed it.

Oh God, she’s already leaving me. She’s already fading away, like if I reached out in touched her, my hand would sink through.

“It isn’t healthy for me to be your entire world, and what good does it do me if you aren’t willing to truly be with me?”

“I am!” I hate how desperate I sound.

“Because you see it as your only option.” She takes a shaky breath. “But it’s not even that.”

“Oh God, Livvy.” A trickle runs down my cheek. “Please…” My throat closes over. Please don’t leave me. I’ll do anything to keep you.

“I’m so sorry.” Our gazes hold for a moment before her expression grows remote. She glances around the room. “I need to leave before I break down. Would you mind turning around while I get dressed?”

I stare at her for a moment, her words not computing. Why do I need to turn around?

Oh my God, in the span of minutes, I’ve lost the right to see her naked. I had everything a moment ago, and it’s gone now.

By doing everything in my power to keep her in my life, I lost her.

I nod slowly before turning around, and it’s like the lights shut off in my head. The next thing I know, she’s saying goodbye with that gray duffel bag at her side, and I’m nodding in response, unable to speak. She disappears from my room and the front door shuts, but the sound is coming from faraway.

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