Page 69 of Purity

The walls of my room become close and oppressive. I have to get out of here. I glance at the baseball on the bed, and in the next moment, it’s flying into the window, shattering the glass.

Livvy

The driveway is empty when I pull into it. Thank God, my parents are gone, but hopefully Vanessa is home. I allow myself one last heaving sob before taking a deep breath and stepping out of the car.

I did everything right. I asked for what I wanted and stood up for myself when I didn’t get it, and that’s something to be proud of.

The despair will fade. This ache in my chest is a physical pain, and I want to rush back to his house to ease it. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I’ll take whatever I can get, but those are just fleeting emotions and desires.

My will is stronger than they are.

I rush inside the house and up the stairs. Vanessa’s bedroom door is shut, which is a good sign she’s home. I only have to knock twice before she opens it.

“What happened?” she asks.

I can’t talk about it with her yet. “Do you have a lighter?”

Her brows draw together. “I have a stick lighter for my candles.”

“Grab it and meet me in the backyard.”

She stares at me a moment before nodding. I reach into my bag, sifting my hand around until I find the frayed paper at the top.

Minutes later, we’re both out on the back porch. I unfold the letter to my future husband and stare it for a moment. Something about the curling letters causes my eyes to prickle. Thirteen-year-old me tried so hard to make this as pretty as I could, because it meant something to me. I loved it. I love it even now, and there’s something hauntingly melancholy about loving something that I was coerced into believing, something I didn’t even understand.

“I’m guessing it didn’t go well…” Vanessa’s soft voice pulls me out of my head.

“No.”

After nodding faintly, she looks away. She’d never say anything resembling “I told you so” because she’s far too empathetic, and she knows how deeply troubled I am, but she’s thinking it. She’s thinking this is why girls should save themselves for their husbands. This is why sex before marriage is wrong. When you step outside of the boundaries, you only get hurt. I thought the same things at her age.

I want to tell her that nothing can protect her from heartache, not even God. I want to tell her that all the methods she’s using to guard her heart and purity may one day become their own source of pain and grief and guilt. Instead, I light the stick lighter and hold it to my letter.

It takes a moment to catch. A small flame forms and spreads, traveling slowly upward. The fire and ash twist and curl, dancing around the paper as they pull it into oblivion. Before the heat reaches my fingers, I toss the small remains on the concrete and stomp on it.

“There,” I say. “I’m done with purity culture, and I’m done with Cole. My future is unwritten, and that’s exciting.”

“Is it?” Vanessa asks, looking a little bewildered, probably because I’m acting so strangely.

“No.” I sigh. “Not at the moment, but I have hope.”

EIGHTEEN

Cole

The world is dark again, just like it was years ago before she came into my life.

I’d almost forgotten what this feels like. A dust cloud has swept over everything, and yet it all looks exactly the same. She left her water glass on my dresser, and even from here I can make out a little pink smudge on the edge from her lip gloss. Her white dress sits crumpled on the floor, in the same place she left it after she slipped it over her head.

I can’t disturb any of it. It’s as if I can pull her back into my life by preserving the world as it was just before I lost her.

Fuck, I need to get out of this room.

When I step outside, the afternoon sun is high in the sky and relentlessly bright. If things had gone differently, if I hadn’t been so selfish and shortsighted, I probably wouldn’t even know the time right now. I’d be in bed with her in my room, and we’d be speaking as softly as if it were the dead of night.

As soon as I get inside my parent’s house, I walk into the kitchen. What the fuck am I even doing here? I can’t eat or drink anything right now.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” When I glance up, my mom is sitting at the kitchen table. Fuck, how did I not even see her? I forgot she was due back today. Her expression fills with alarm as she strides in my direction. She sets her hand on my forehead. “Are you sick?”

---