Page 79 of Purity

My head jerks up. “A story?”

His smile grows abashed. “I rehearsed it—many times—and it still doesn’t sound like I want it to. I was hoping I could make it really good and sweep you off your feet.”

I swallow to ease the tightness in my throat. “I don’t need a good story. I need a true story.”

“It is that, and you were there for most of it, so it’s not a new story, but I hope it will give you some perspective on why I’m such an idiot.”

I frown. “You’re not an idiot.”

“I am, but I don’t think I’m a hopeless idiot.” He leans forward. “Can I tell you why?”

Goodness, it’s so strange talking to him like this. He’s being so much more cautious with me than he usually is. “Sure.”

He smiles warmly, and my body grows light.

“Five years ago, around the time we met, I was going through a pretty deep depression. I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. I don’t think I really even knew what depression was. Everything looked darker, even my memories. I knew I had been happy at one time, but it felt like that happiness was never real, like it was flimsy. And things that used to make me happy didn’t anymore.”

I nod. “That’s pretty common with depression.”

“I know. You told me that back then. You were the one who helped me figure out I was depressed. I withdrew from my parents after I caught my dad cheating, and I didn’t realize how much it affected me. They were the only people I could talk to, like really talk to.” He smiles faintly. “And I’m sure you’ve noticed I’m a pretty sensitive guy, so that was hard.”

I’m about to speak when his gaze bores into mine, making me forget what I was going to say.

“Then I met you.” His voice grows hushed. “Livvy, I’m not exaggerating when I say you were like an angel who rescued me. I always call you an angel, because that’s what you really were to me. Everything changed after we became friends. The world started looking brighter. I was happy again.”

When my eyes start gathering moisture, I avert my gaze from his. I’m startled by the warmth of his hand on mine.

“I started to rely on you for happiness. I felt like I couldn’t be happy without you, and it made me greedy. I told myself I was protecting you and being a good friend, but really, I was keeping you all to myself, and that wasn’t fair.”

I inhale a shaky breath. “You were young.”

“That’s not an excuse. You were never greedy with me. You have plenty of other people you share your feelings with. I only had you, and I didn’t want anyone else. I needed you more than you needed me, and that was scary.”

I nod jerkily, not knowing what to say.

His gaze darkens. “I was also wildly attracted to you. I would have pursued you, but the more I got to know you, the more I realized how different you were because of your religion. I didn’t really understand Christianity before. I thought it just meant going to church once a week and forgetting about it when it was over.”

“That’s how it is for some people.”

“I know.” His swallow is audible. “If that’s all it was for you, I would have pursued you. I could have done that. I’m not a dogmatic atheist. I could’ve become a Christian if it was just about going to church with you.”

I nod. “You were really thinking about it back then?”

“Not just thinking about it. I tried it. I went to church for a year when I went away to college.”

My head grows fuzzy, and I stare at his face for a moment. His expression is completely earnest.

“Are you serious?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

“For an entire year?”

“Well…” He smiles faintly. “I didn’t go every Sunday, because sometimes I was too hungover. My pastor even called me out on it one time.”

“Your pastor. You actually knew the pastor of the church?”

“I did.” His smile grows. “Pastor Jeremy. I can’t say I liked him all that much. I probably shouldn’t say this about a pastor, but I thought he was kind of a dick.”

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