Page 40 of Purity

My skin tingles when a memory surfaces. The shrill sound of that pastor’s voice on Sunday mornings when I was hungover. The itching urge to get out of that dim auditorium and back into the sunlight. For a year, I went to church for kind of the same reason.

“Why do you act like this if you don’t want her?” he asks. “You can’t do it forever. Eventually, you’re going to have to either be with her or get out of the way.”

I shut my eyes tightly. “I don’t want to talk about this right now. I have too much going on in my life.”

He sighs. “Alright fine. I’ll see you in a bit. I want to fucking die right now, so don’t be mad if I lag on our hike.”

“Wait.”

I take a deep breath, unable to believe what I’m about to do, but the thought of her with another guy makes me want to burst out of my skin. Apparently, I’m so primitive that I can’t even take three days to make sure I’m not making the worst mistake of my life.

“Don’t worry about the hike,” I say in a rush. “I think I’m going to ask Livvy instead.”

He laughs. “Good choice.”

As soon as we hang up, I pull up her name and type out a text. An exultant wave washes over me after I press send, and my heart starts to pound like a drum.

In possibly a matter of hours, she’ll be mine.

ELEVEN

Livvy

As I make my sluggish way into the kitchen, I catch sight of Vanessa sitting in the living room watching TV. She turns to me, and I brace myself for her judgment.

“Are you just now waking up?” Her voice is full of disbelief. “You really did get drunk, huh?”

As I stand on my toes to grab a mug from the cupboard, a sharp pain shoots into my head, making me wince. “Yes, and I don’t think I’ll do it again for a while. I feel like death.”

“I never thought you would get that drunk in the first place. I can’t believe you have a hangover.”

“I’m long overdue for it. I’ve been to plenty of parties as the designated driver. It was nice being able to actually have fun for a change.”

She stands up from the couch and walks into the kitchen. “Did it make you feel like a bold, adventurous woman?”

Her sarcasm makes me flinch. I might have been able to deal with it if I weren’t hungover, but my nerves are raw. I frown at her. “I know it’s hard for you that I’m changing, but I still expect you to respect my choices, even if you don’t understand them. You don’t think purity culture is toxic and want to save yourself for your husband, and on your wedding day—assuming your beliefs stay the same until then—I’m going to tell you how proud I am of you for sticking with your convictions. I trust you to do what’s right for you, and I need you to do the same for me, Ness. Even if you don’t like it. Even if it scares you.”

Her adorable little face scrunches inward, and she starts to cry. My heart clenches, and I rush over to her and wrap my arms around her shoulders. “Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to be so harsh.”

“I’m just tired.” She turns her head away from me, and a small smile rises to my lips even as my chest aches for her.

“Why are you upset?”

“I just want my old sister back.”

“I’m still your old sister. I haven’t changed all that much.”

“Yes, you have.” She jerks away from me. “You’re doing all kinds of things you never would have done even a few months ago. Cole is going to fall in love with you now that he can have sex with you, and you’re going to get married and become an atheist like him. You’re going to think I’m stupid and anti-intellectual for my beliefs, and you’ll never respect me again. I’ll never be able to talk about my life with anyone.”

I suck in my lips to fight a smile. Oh goodness, she’s so sweet. I would have felt the exact same way in her place—so scared and uncertain over something that really has nothing to do with me. “I will always be the old Livvy when it comes to you. You can always talk about your life with me, and I’ll never think you’re stupid or anti-intellectual. And there’s no way I’ll become an atheist. I love Jesus way too much.”

“I’m scared that isn’t true,” she says, her voice choked. “I’m scared you’re going to replace Jesus with Cole.”

I squeeze her shoulders. “Honey, Cole and I aren’t even together. He doesn’t even know if he wants to take my virginity. And even if he does, even if we get together, I won’t allow myself to make him my entire world. I don’t think it was healthy when I made Jesus my entire world. I have too many other things in my life I love to give all of myself to one person. You’re one of those things. How could you ever think I would sacrifice my relationship with you for a man?”

Her face is still averted from mine, and she lifts a hand to wipe tears from under her eyes. “I just don’t want you to look down on me.”

“I never will. How could I? I’d be a total hypocrite. At one time, I believed all the same things you do now, and I was much more self-righteous about it than you are. And besides that, I love you more than anything.”

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