Page 10 of Purity

I don’t just want her, I need her.

But in a sexual way, she’s not for me. She’s a Christian, and she’d only ever be with another Christian, and not the kind who simply believes in God and goes to church every Sunday, but someone whose faith colors every aspect of their life. The type of Christian I couldn’t pretend to be even if I wanted to.

I did try, long ago.

As much as this difference between us felt like a tragedy at one time, it’s exactly as it should be. If she were willing to be with an atheist, she’d be gone by now. I would have snatched her up the minute I saw her. Our relationship would have been heaven at first, steady happiness for a while, and then it would have gone sour, like all relationships inevitably do. She’d be only a memory right now, instead of the most precious and dependable thing in my life.

I can’t do this.

I cannot do this.

But, oh God, why does it have to be so hard to say no? I’ve never been able to fully put out that flicker of need for her, despite all my efforts, and now it’s consuming my whole body like a wildfire.

I want to pull her to the ground, shove myself inside her, and never come out again.

“Livvy,” I say, only able to manage a whisper.

When she holds up a hand, I wince. She’s going to try to convince me.

“Just hear me out before you say no.”

I sigh, shutting my eyes tightly. God, I need a moment. I’m too raw right now. “Okay.”

“I know it’s probably hard for you to see me in a sexual way.”

If I wasn’t so riled up, I would laugh. What would she think if she knew the depravity of my thoughts? From the moment she first told me about her bizarre purity pledge, I’ve fantasized about breaking it.

She’d be terrified.

“I know you’re probably thinking it would ruin our friendship or make things awkward between us, but I really don’t think it will. Not if we approach it methodically. This isn’t strictly about sex. This is about you helping me do something that I’m afraid of. You’re the best person to do it, because I trust you so much.”

Fuck. How am I going to tell her no when she phrases it like that? I love having her unflinching trust. I’ve worked hard over the years to show her I’m worthy of it.

“Cole, I know you’re freaking out, but listen. Think about this like…” Her gaze grows unfocused. “It’s like I’m afraid of heights, so I want to get over my fear by going on a rollercoaster, but the only way I could get myself to do that is if my best friend, who makes me feel safe, goes on it with me. It’s not about sex, it’s about helping me, and you’re the perfect person to do it, because you have sex all the time. You’re the type of person who’s comfortable having sex with people you aren’t—”

“You don’t know what type of person I am!” I can’t stop myself from raising my voice. “You don’t know anything about sex. You don’t know what I’ll be like. You don’t even know what you’ll be like. You know nothing.”

When she flinches, I hate myself. Goddamn it, temptation is stretching my composure thin. I take a deep breath and release it slowly. My voice is much gentler when I speak again. “You don’t know how you’ll feel, because you have no experience. People have a certain…” I shut my eyes for a moment, searching for the right word. Fuck, it’s so hard to talk about this stuff with her when she’s so damned innocent. “People have a certain style. When they have sex, I mean. Not everyone likes the same things. Just based on what I know about you, I don’t think you and I would like the same things, and even if I tried to do it how you’ll probably like it, people can get kind of… You can lose yourself in the moment. Do you have any idea what I’m trying to say?”

Her expression grows a little exasperated. “I’m not completely ignorant. I told you I masturbate, and my fantasies can sometimes get a little…wild when I’m really getting into it—”

“Okay, um…” I lift a hand while using the other to adjust the waistband of my jeans as discreetly as possible. “Can we just stick the issue?”

Her brow furrows. “How was I not talking about the issue?”

“I mean, let’s just talk about you and me, and what this would mean for us.”

“Why do you get so awkward whenever I try to talk about anything sexual? Do you find me repulsive?”

I shut my eyes tightly, inwardly begging my racing pulse to slow down. Fucking Jesus Christ, what did I do to deserve this? “Of course not,” I rasp. “You’re a beautiful girl.”

“Then why is it so hard for you to imagine having sex with me?”

It’s not. Oh God, it’s not at all. The only hard thing about it is in my pants, and it’s about to make me give in if she doesn’t stop trying to convince me. I have to stop this now.

“Because I’m worried it might change things between us,” I burst out. “I’m worried that I’ll scare you, and you’ll never be able to see me the same way again.”

“Why do you get to decide what will scare me?” She’s as close to yelling as I’ve ever seen her. “Why does your sexual experience make you more of an expert on how I would feel than I am?”

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