Page 74 of Wild and Bright

“One of her father’s, I mean, and we’re not getting a DNA test. And we’re going to have to ease into this whole thing, because it’s a big change for her. I’ve already thought about how we might explain it to her without having to…you know, tell her Mommy was a ho.” A faint smile twinges her lips, but when I don’t return it, it quickly fades. “I was thinking we can tell her how all families are different. You know, the usual story that some families have two mommies, some have one mommy and one daddy, some have one mommy and two daddies.”

“But that’s not true in this case.”

“What do you mean?”

I walk in her direction, my expression growing harder with each step. “I mean, she has one father in this case. We just don’t know who it is.”

Something that looks like fear flashes in her eyes, but it’s quickly gone. “I’m not going to jump into getting a DNA test. It’s not fair to Cadence. Would you want to know if your dad—the man who raised you your whole life—wasn’t your biological father? I wouldn’t, and I’d be really upset if someone took that choice from me. This needs to be her decision.”

My eyes narrow. “She’s four years old.”

“Right.” Her nostrils flare. “So it’s going to be a long time before we’ll know what she wants to do. And you’ll need to be okay with that.”

She looks up at me with those big green eyes, and somehow, even with the hardness in her voice, the rigidity of her spine, and those willowy arms crossed over her chest, she’s never looked more vulnerable in all the years I’ve known her. My throat grows tight.

She’s scared.

For all of her insistence on knowing her rights, she’s terrified of me, because she knows I could fuck her. Maybe not with the law, but with money. I have it, and she needs it. And I could use it to manipulate her. But if I did, I’d have nothing left.

I’d lose her forever.

“I can respect that.” My voice is soft.

Her eyes widen at first and then narrow on my face, as if she’s not sure she believes me. “So you’ll be okay never knowing for sure, if that’s her choice?”

“No,” I answer right away, and she looks even more skeptical. “But I understand your reasoning. I can see…” It’s hard to admit this, because once I do, I can never take it back. “I can see how it might be harmful to Cadence…to find out that Ryder isn’t her biological father.”

“Yes.” Lauren nods vigorously. My answer seems to have increased her confidence. “We need to put her first.”

I nod slowly. On impulse, I reach out and graze her cheek with my hand. “You’re a good mother.”

When she presses her face against my hand, I rub my thumb across her cheekbone. “You’ve said that so many times since we started this thing,” she says. “I don’t know if I’d ever heard anyone else say it before.”

“It’s the absolute truth. Lauren.” My throat grows tight, and I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to say more. But I have to. There’s no other way.

“I want to revisit the discussion about maybe…not ending this after six months.”

“You do?”

I clear my throat. “Yes.”

She narrows her eyes. “Because of Cadence?”

I lift my other hand to her chin and hold her face. “No.” My tone is firm. “Not because of that. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but I can’t…” I glance at the clock on the wall. “I can’t talk about it right now. I have to leave in fifteen minutes for rehearsal.”

My gaze returns to her face, and hope rises behind her eyes.

“We’ll talk about it tonight.” My tone is firm.

* * *

I wrote a love song when I was sixteen.

It was every bit as melodramatic and sappy as you’d expect from a teenage boy who considered himself cursed by unrequited love, which makes it that much more embarrassing when I remember playing it at San Diego coffee shops with almost brazen earnestness.

It’s a terrible song, like most of what I wrote back then. The lyrics are flowery, the melody simplistic and derivative, and yet it’s the most honest thing I’ve ever written. It’s maybe the one time in my life I was brave enough to accept my feelings as they were and turn an unfiltered version of them into music.

I knew I loved her back then. It was only after she broke my heart that I tried to rationalize it away.

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