Page 117 of Giving In

“Not everyone is into your shit and not everyone can handle you. You need to understand that.”

She looks at me with real concern and I know she cares for me. I know she always will. I also know I’ll never love her the way she loves me. She loves me too much, she has deep feelings for me and me...well I have deep feelings for Jamie. They’re unexplainable but they’re here, making my heart hammer in my chest whenever she’s too close.

I see Beth reappear in the ballroom, it seems she’s left the bowl behind. A few seconds later, Jamie bursts into the room crying, her hair a wet sticky mess. No one notices her with the music and the lights low. No one ever notices Jamie.

I see her. I see her white dress soaked with pink punch, making it see-through and showing her hard nipples under it.

“Cam...” I turn back to her as Beth joins us. “Why?” I ask. “Why do you girls have to be like this.”

“Because she’s a little slut, Jake,” Beth replies in her place and I want to drive my fist through the bitch.

Camila looks at me with a lopsided smile. “Because that’s just how the game works, baby.”

I don’t understand how she can go from saving the girl from me to hating her. I don’t get her. I never will.We’re not from the same world.

I turn back to Jamie as she’s about to exit the room. She slips and almost falls because of her heels, so she takes them off, going back to the small thing she is. Seeing her like this, a crying, sticky mess, holding her shoes and her dress so she doesn’t step on it, I can’t help it. I know I’m going to regret it, but I do it anyway.

I run after her.

When I reach the hallway leading to the way out, she’s almost at the main entrance. I can see she’s on the phone.

“Are you here?” she says in a small voice to the person on the other end of the line. “Okay, I’m coming out now.” She sniffles as she hangs up.

“Jamie! Wait!”

She turns around and sees me running toward her. I’m struck by the look on her face. She’s fucking terrified of me.

“Jamie, please, let me explain. I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head no at me and gets out, but I don’t stop. I follow her toward the parking lot because I know once she leaves, it’ll be it. If I don’t get to apologize for what I’ve just done it’s the end of us and I’m not ready for that. Whatever ‘us’ is.

I need to tell her that I’m more fucked up than she could have imagined. That I had promised myself I would never let anyone hit me again in my life. That I was lost in the flashbacks of the 12-year-old me being beaten up. That the control she has over me scares me more than anything else. That I can’t control my heart or my brain when she’s around. I need to tell her everything I feel for her.

A flash of hope crosses my mind and I smile as I run after her.

I catch her wrist as she jogs across the parking lot. Rain is pouring but I don’t care, I need to talk to the girl I love. She’s crying when she turns around to face me.

“I’m sorry, Jamie,” I pant. “I’m the biggest idiot on this planet.”

“You hurt me, Jake. You scared me. This is more than a game, this is disturbing.”

“I went too far. I lose control around you. The truth is, I’m scared of losing control because I never had any growing up. I was abused by a man that still haunts my dreams. I’m still healing. I’m still struggling but when I’m with you, everything is better. Please, Jamie. I…I fell in love with you. I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know how. I just know I did. And if there is even a small chance of you possibly loving me back. Please,pleasegive in to that chance.”

The smile that spreads across her lips lights up the night sky. It clears the clouds, and it brightens my heart.

“Give in?” she asks.

“Give in,” I repeat, my voice barely a small plea.

The short nod of her head makes my heart explode with joy. It feels good. It’s like I’ve never felt happiness before and she’s finally offering it to me on a silver platter.

I sprint as my heart gallops in my chest. I finally reach the parking lot. I’m ready to catch her. I’m ready to turn my life around. I’m ready to –

I’m too late.

I stop dead in my tracks.

No. No. No. No. Please no.

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