Page 81 of #Lovestrong

Lena

"Lena, are you sure about this?" My therapist sits forward and stares at me with concerned eyes.

"Look, Declan and I are doing great and going home wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. I really think I'm okay to stop doing this every week. I'd really like more time with my friends and to get ready for college."

She stares at me for a moment longer before slowly nodding her head. "Well, you're eighteen now, so it's your choice. But if you ever need me again, my door will always be open."

"I appreciate that." I stand and hold my hand out to shake hers.

Walking out of her office, I mentally check that step off the to-do list I'd made in my head on the plane ride home yesterday. The next step is the one I'm dreading. As my feet hit the pavement, I pull out my phone and slide into the driver's seat of Grandma's car. I took my driver's test this morning and passed, thankfully. My entire plan would've been shot to hell if I hadn't. When Declan asked me if I drove and I said no, that didn’t mean I hadn’t taken Driver’s Ed. I had, but when the shooting happened, I never took the test.

I text Declan before pulling out and heading to the beach where he and I had our first real date. Once I park, I get out and head down to the water. It's chilly, but my over-sized hoodie is a heater and the breeze on my face makes me feel stronger. Like I can do this.

Declan will be here soon, and then I'm going to break his heart and rip out my own, but it's the right thing to do. I can't keep dragging him down with me, and I'm never getting out of this hell. Turning around to head back up the beach, I twist the promise ring on my finger and glance up just as he pulls in next to my grandma's car.

Before I know it, he's jogging across the sand toward me, and bile rises into my throat. He stops a few feet in front of me, concern etched into every feature of his face. I look down at his feet and when he takes a step forward, I take a step back.

"Baby?" His voice shakes and I close my eyes, breathing deep, steeling myself from whatever he’s going to say. "What's going on?"

Without him seeing, I pull the promise ring off my finger before looking up at him. I hold my hand out and when he takes it, I twist it so his palm is open and facing up. His lips part and he sucks in a ragged breath when I set the ring in his hand and close his fingers around it.

"I'm so sorry, Declan, but I can't do this anymore."

He shakes his head back and forth and tears fill his eyes. "Lena, don't do this. Whatever is wrong, we can fix it. We can get through this together."

Now, I shake my head. "There's nothing to get through. I am how I am, and that's not going to change. And I can't love you the way you deserve." I walk past him toward my car.

After a moment, my name echoes across the air and I pick up the pace. By the time I reach my car, I'm running and tears are streaming down my face. Out of the corner of my eye, as I throw the car in reverse and hit the gas, Declan sprints across the sand.

I don't stop. The tears don't stop either as I speed toward the highway, praying he understands. Praying with everything in me he knows I did this for him. Because he deserves someone who can love him with everything they are.

I realized on Thanksgiving, there isn’t enough of me left to love anyone. While I can pretend for a while, there's always going to be someone or something that brings up all those buried feelings and shatters whatever happiness is in me. Declan doesn't deserve to spend the rest of his life dealing with that.

God will get him through this. Declan is going to be okay. I know he will. He's the best person I've ever known, and I love him with everything I am. But what I am isn't enough, and he should have a whole person to love . . . not the shell of one.

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