Page 45 of Count Down

“I would never hurt you,” I interrupt her. “I’ve hurt a lot of people, but I would never hurt you. You’re not a target for us. I found out the Russians are after you by accident. But I’ll make sure they can’t get to you.” I reach my hand out to set it on Gina’s, to try and comfort her. But she flinches back and pulls her hand away. It fucking breaks my heart. It reminds me of her reaction the first time she saw me at the theater. Frightened by the monster in front of her. Now we’re back there. Life has brought us back around to our rightful places.

“Then were you just using me? Were you just using me to get to my father?” The look of pain on her face tells me this is the biggest betrayal.

I don’t know how to answer that without putting her in even more danger.

36

GINA

I can’t believewhat Luca is telling me. I thought he cared for me. I thought he loved me. Was he only using me to get to my fucking father? I feel like the dream I’ve been living the last few days is crashing down around me. I use the last bit of courage I have to focus on what Luca has to say. If he used me, I want to hear it from him.

Luca takes a deep breath. Then lets it out. He looks at his hands in his lap as he grinds them together. “I was tailing your father. That brought us, you and I, together. But I didn’t use you to get to him.” He looks directly in my eyes. “I used it as an excuse to be with you, but now I’m in too fucking deep. I’ve fallen for you. Nobody I work for knows how close you and I are. We’d both be in danger if they did.”

I have a hard time processing all this new information. Luca reaches his hand to mine and this time I don’t jerk it away. He holds my hand in his as he continues. “I should have told you earlier. I should have stayed away from you to begin with. I tried to stay away from you when I realized what I was feeling, but I couldn’t. I care about you like I’ve never cared about anything in my life. I hoped that eventually you’d decide to leave me. That you’d make me let you go. I know I’ll regret this forever, but I didn’t use you. I can’t let you think that I used you.”

This is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. But it also makes sense. Maybe I’m an idiot, but I believe him. This is the missing puzzle piece to Luca. All the things he did, the actions that didn’t make sense, this explains it. If he was using me to get to my father, he wasn’t doing a good job. He never asked about him. He never used me to get near him. All he did was be with me and want to know about me.

“I believe you,” I say.

Luca shuts his eyes and takes another deep breath. Relief rolls over his face, yet he doesn’t smile. Instead, he lets go of my hand and looks back down to the floor on the passenger side as he talks. “You have to tell your father to run. Convince him he has to leave town. Immediately. He’s marked and I can’t stop that.”

“I… I’ll try.” My voice cracks as I picture the danger my father is in.

“I’ll take care of the Russians,” Luca says. “But you’re going to have to be careful until I do. I’ll do anything to protect you, but I have to do it alone. I can’t involve anyone from my team. They can’t know how close we are, or you’ll just be in more danger.”

Without looking at me, Luca opens the car door. “I wish things could have been different. I wish I wasn’t who I am.” He places his feet on the ground outside the car and with his back to me he says, “I wish I was someone who could be with you.” Before I can say another word, he’s out of the car and has closed the door. He’s walking down the alley back to his garage door.

I struggle to open my door as quick as I can. Luca is only walking away, but every step, every breath feels like another mile between us. I scramble out of the car and run to him. He turns and catches me as I slam into his chest. I wrap my hands around the base of his head as I look up into his face.

“Stop pushing me away!” I yell at him. “I’ll tell you if I don’t want to be with you. Don’t you think I’ve already thought about it? I’ve already decided. I’ve already told you. Let meknowyou. Let me love you!”

I see fear in Luca’s eyes as they finally meet mine. “You shouldn’t be with someone like me,” he argues.

“I’m the one who gets to decide that. It’s my life. Let me make my own decisions. I want to be with you!” Luca squeezes his eyes shut. He looks like he’s being torn apart. “We’ll make it work. But we have to do it together.”

I pull Luca’s face toward me and kiss him softly. I’m so relieved when Luca wraps his arms around me and kisses me back. I pull back and look in his eyes. “Yes?”

He looks into my eyes and nods slowly. I hug him as tightly as I can, and we both breathe deeply. We stay like this until I feel the adrenaline in my body start to subside. Even though it’s summer, I’m shivering. It feels like Luca just fell overboard, and I thought he was going to be lost at sea forever.

I let go of him and take his hand instead. I lead him back to my car and he follows along. He gets in the passenger seat without saying anything.

Luca’s in the mob and my family is in danger. If you told me 6 weeks ago that criminals were after me or my father, I don’t know how I’d handle it. Not as well as I am right now, that’s for damn sure.

As I drive Luca back to my apartment, I feel closer to him and stronger than ever. He’s finally been open with me. I understand his intentions. And he’s trusting me. I can make my own decisions. I can live my life on my terms. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else might think. And the man I love finally trusts me when I say I want to be with him.

37

LUCA

I feelraw on the drive to Gina’s. Like my heart has been laid out, cut open, and examined. I’ve never felt so fucking vulnerable. I can see why people hate it. Still, I feel more alive than ever. Not like I want to go sing on the mountain tops. But everything is more real, more vivid.

It’s like only seeing in black and white and then switching to color. The streetlights cast their orange glow on the sidewalks. I can see the concrete is detailed with cracks, sand, debris. Nothing blends in, everything stands out. The graffiti, the trash, the dents in the metal doors over the closed storefronts, all of it is more alive and real to me than I ever remember.

Gina leads me up to her apartment. It still feels like I’m seeing everything for the first time. She leads me through her apartment and to her room.

“Looks like Lexi is out,” she says as she lights a couple of candles on top of her bookshelf. Gina’s bed is put together and made. I’m hesitant to put my weight on it until Gina jumps back to sit on it. “It’s not going to fall apart again,” she says. Normally I’d be skeptical. But it all feels different now. I believe her.

I pull Gina up off the bed and begin kissing her. I didn’t think I’d ever get to kiss Gina again. I feel like I’ve been granted a second chance at life. I don’t want to waste it by worrying about losing it.

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