Chapter 19
The words were spoken so softly,I wasn’t sure I actually said them out loud. Although, I must have, because she turned to glare at me with that commanding look in her eyes.
“Excuse me?”
“I would miss you.” I spoke louder this time. My hand was still lightly wrapped around her uninjured arm. I wondered if she realized I was still touching her. I hoped not, because I didn’t want her to pull away. I didn’t want to stop touching her. Maybe not ever. When she said she was leaving Blacklight Securities, I swear the Earth stopped moving, and it was as though all the air had been sucked out of me. I felt a black hole fully engulfing me. Except this blackness was different than what I’d been experiencing since Malcolm’s death.
I’d been desperately fighting my demons since walking away from her last week. The dreams I’d been having of Malcolm had changed. Now, when I closed my eyes, it was Josie’s death I saw. Especially, now that she’d been hurt.
“I’m not so sure about that. Because a couple weeks ago, you couldn’t get away from me fast enough. ‘Betrayed’ was the word you used. How convenient that now that I’ve decided to leave, you want me around.”
I turned her to fully face me, and of their own accord, my hands cupped her cheeks, my thumbs brushing her cheekbones. My eyes gazed deeply into hers so she had no doubts about what I was saying.
“Yes, I was angry with your deception. How could I not be? I still am a little. I had no idea what submission was, but I was ready to trust someone I felt a connection with and do something completely new, and to be honest, terrifying. Then to find out that you were that person all along threw me for a loop. I was confused. I’ve had reasons for keeping my distance. But make no mistake, I’ve always wanted you around Josie. Always. I think it’s taken the possibility of losing you to make me realize that my life would be more worthless than it already is without you in it.
“I’m not saying that things are going to be easy for me. I’m damaged, Josie. I don’t know how to deal with the fact that I killed someone. Whether it was to protect Connor or not, I caused the death of another human being. I barely sleep and if I do, it’s only for short periods of time, because I’m waking up from nightmares, my whole body drenched in sweat. My mind is plagued with visions of death. It doesn’t matter if I’m asleep or awake. My nose twitches with the metallic smell of blood. I barely eat. In fact, oftentimes, I can barely breathe. You can’t begin to understand what that’s like.”
She covered my hands with hers and turned her head to press a kiss to the palm of first one hand, then the other. Then she said something that shook me to my core.
“When I was eighteen years old, I killed a man. Believe me when I tell you, Miles, I understand exactly what it’s like. But the difference between you and me is that I don’t regret what I did. I didn’t let the guilt suffocate me. Stop me from living. I did what needed to be done to protect someone I loved. I would do it over again a thousand times if it meant protecting my family from harm. And I’d still have no regrets.”
Then before I could come up with a response, she slipped out of my grasp and continued down the hall and out the office door. My back collided with the wall and the jarring unfroze my brain. I hustled down the hall in search of answers.
We typically had an open-door policy at here at Blacklight Securities. Except Connor’s door had been closed. Which meant he either had a client or he was on the phone with a client or potential client. Not caring either way, I barged into Connor’s office without knocking. Connor looked up from his phone conversation. He must have seen something on my face and sensed the volcano of emotion that was threatening to erupt.
“I apologize Mr. Simmons, but I’m going to have to call you right back. No, it’s nothing to worry about. Yes, thank you so much for understanding.” He hung up the phone and gestured for me to sit.
I was too keyed up to even think about sitting at the moment. Taking a page from Connor’s book, I began pacing.
“Did you know about it?” I laughed without humor. “Of course you did. That’s why you and Josie are so close. Did you help her hide the body?”
Connor leaned forward in his chair and rested his chin on steepled fingers. “So, she finally told you? I wondered when she would. And to answer your question, no, I didn’t help her hide the body.”
“Why didn’t either of you tell me?”
“It didn’t concern you.” I flinched at his response. He didn’t try to soften the blow. “Besides, it happened a long time ago. Whether you knew or not didn’t change anything. Plus, it’s Josie’s story to tell, not mine. For reasons only she knows, she didn’t think it was something she needed to share with you. You’ve been friends. Office buddies and nothing more. You’ve kept her at arm’s length since the first day she showed up. A story of that magnitude isn’t something you share over morning coffee. It’s something you share with your lover, your soul mate, your future spouse. You’ve made it grossly apparent that you are none of those things, Miles.”
Every word he spoke ricocheted like a bullet to my heart. It seemed I was being given some hard truths lately. I didn’t particularly care for them. Mostly because it forced me to acknowledge things I wasn’t ready to acknowledge.
“But what if I want to be those things? You and I both know my head hasn’t been screwed on straight for months now. Between Josie being injured and with her threatening to quit, I’m starting to realize how much I’ve needed her but have been denying it. I’m struggling, and I know I can’t do this alone. I need someone to help me. I need Josie.”
Connor came upright to full attention. “Sit down and tell me what you mean by Josie is threatening to quit.”
I followed Connor’s orders, but before I took my regular spot on the love seat, I stopped at the bar and poured each of us a glass of Jameson. I had a feeling we were both going to need it.