Page 69 of See No Evil

Mama drew quiet for a moment, then continued.

“All right, well, thank you for letting me know, ’cause I never did know what he was looking at or doing. By the time I came out to grab him and stop him from bangin’ on that window… he… he’d gone through it. I then had to chase you…”

He could hear the tears in her voice. He saw his apartment building in the near distance and slowed down. He wanted to hear her talk, even though he was certain most of the words that came out of her mouth were excuses and exaggerations. Time seemed to be slowing down, too, as she spoke, and his body followed suit.

“Why’d you chase after me?” That part of the memory was blank for him. Just a black vacuum of nothingness.

“’Cause you was screamin’ and tryna go after him!” She was crying much harder now, and it became increasingly more difficult for him to keep his cool.

He pulled into the driveway and put his truck in park. He reached for a cigarette, then thought better of it.

“In your little mind, you thought you could save him. You was screamin’, ‘Mama! Tarry,’ ’cause you couldn’t pronounce Tarik right. Then you said, ‘Tarry fall out the window!’ And you were pointin’ and cryin’ and carryin’ on! I had to grab you and bear-hug you, ’cause you was tryin’ with all your little might to jump down there and get him. You really believed you could save him. You thought you were Superman.”

He blinked a few good times, then closed his eyes altogether.

“I was trapped in a bad dream. I kept sayin’,‘This can’t be real… this can’t be happening.’I couldn’t look out the window because you were in my arms, and I ain’t want you to see your brother down there. I almost lost two babies in one day. To make matters worse, your father was fiddlin’ with other women, and had the damn nerve to come to the hospital where your brother was at, cursin’ me out. Screamin’ at me. He wasn’t even workin’ or doing anything to help support us. It was all on me. I was on the phone, with your sister in my belly. I didn’t know I was pregnant again at the time, yet, doing it all on my lonesome. We was murried, but he acted single around that time. All ’cause we was havin’ fights. I was on the phone with a manager at a store who wanted me to come in for an interview. I needed that job. I wasn’t under no man, Legend! I wasn’t goofin’ off or asleep!”

“It doesn’t even matter now, Mama. I recall it differently, but the aftermath is the same. He’s gone.”

He didn’t believe her. He did in fact recall a man being at the house that day, and it wasn’t daddy. In fact, someone would’vehad to have called the police while she held him. He surmised that they were both cheating on each other. Regardless, the message remained the same. Perhaps she really was on the phone about a job, and he believed her when she said he tried to go after Tarik. Maybe Mama’s memory was faulty. Maybe she was lying about that detail, and she knew it. Either way, it no longer mattered. Tarik was dead, and she’d suffered, too.

“Well, it matters to me. I have had my share of trauma, too, Legend, I’ll have you know. Life wasn’t easy for ol’ Paula, I tell you that much, so the next time you try ’nd throw the death of your brother in my face, you just remember: I throw it in my own face on a daily basis, and don’t need notta lick of help from you!” Her voice quaked and she sobbed.

He tapped the steering wheel as a song he didn’t recognize aired on the radio. The sound was so low, he could barely make out the melody or lyrics. “Up until today, you never acknowledged what happened, Mama. You always wanted to talk with me about accountability when I’d get locked up for slangin’, and then I’d take it all out on you. All I’m askin’ is that you take your own advice. Never have I heard you discuss my brother’s death in this much detail, until now. Maybe that’s what I needed to get past it, but you’d keep shuttin’ me down. I tell you this much though, I remember a man at the house, and—”

“I wasn’t wit’ no man when it happened! I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was on tha phone callin’ about a job interview. I remember it clear as day, Legend!” She sounded desperate, trying to make him a believer, too. “Tarik’s birthday is coming up. Each time it does, I go to the cemetery to bring flowers ’nd Apple Jolly Ranchers, his favorite candy.” He smiled at that. He never knew she went to his big brother’s grave on his birthday, and he never knew that was Tarik’s favorite candy. He liked Apple Jolly Ranchers, too. “I’m tryna make things right with you, because I love you!”

“You can’t make this right, Mama. Too much has happened.” He sighed, then coughed into a closed fist. “I love you, because you’re my mother. I don’t like you as a person, and that’s what I’m workin’ with. Finally accepting it. That’s what it all boils down to. I don’t like you because I don’t trust you. I don’t trust you, because you proved to me that I couldn’t.”

He glanced at his apartment and thought about going inside, but decided to finish his conversation in the truck.

“I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get my son back.”

“You can’t lose someone you never had.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“There’s always been distance between us. Tension. A divide. For the majority of my life, Mama, we’ve been at odds. Not all of the reasons were your doing, but the foundation was already laid.”

“If you never give me another dollar, that is for the best. It’s fine with me, just so I can show you that not everything I did was to get money outta you. Or to use you! I know I’ve messed up plenty in my life, and I could have made better choices sometimes when it came to you and Melanie, but I’ve tried my best. Speaking of your sister, the shit hit the fan. Melanie and I got to talkin’, and she got mad and cursed me out a few weeks ago. She’s gettin’ as bad as you. No respect at all!”

“I asked her not to do that, just so you know. What’s going on right here, right now, is between me and you. She can speak on her own situation with you. She’s got some grievances, too. I’m just speakin’ on mine.”

“She made me aware that you didn’t want her to bring it up to me, but she said she couldn’t get past it. It was a horrible conversation. I ain’t never argued with her like this before. It was like you and me fightin’, only it was her face looking me square in the eye. It was a hurtin’ thing. She said she can’t stomach me, knowin’ I knew you was bein’ touched, and I ain’t do nothin’.Lies! She asked me why I didn’t believe you when you told me Luis was… was touchin’ you.”

He waited for her to keep talking, but she drew quiet, as if she’d fallen asleep on the phone.

“And what did you say?”

“I told her I didn’t believe you because you told a lot of tall tales at such a young age for some reason, but that still didn’t make it right, in retrospect. That’s why I’m apologizin’. I should have looked into it, instead of assuming the worst from you.”

“First of all, look into what? We both know all you would’ve done is ask him if he was doing it. He’d say no, and you’d drop it. Secondly, Mama, kids make up stories, like, ‘I’m an astronaut,’ or, ‘My mama got a BMW and lives in a blue mansion.’ You’d be hard-pressed to find a child who lies about bein’ sexually molested, and can go into fine detail about what happened to them. I’m not sayin’ kids have never lied about things like that, we know it’s happened, but it ain’t common. The shit I told you should have let you know that there wasn’t no way a five- or six-year-old child could make that sort of thing up. I have told you this before. I didn’t know nothin’ about sex. I knew about body parts and kissin’, that’s it. For the longest, I thought kissin’ a girl was actually ‘doing it.’ I told you all the particulars of the molestation. From start to finish. I know you remember what I said to you back then.” She remained quiet, proving his point. “How in the hell would I know about oral sex?”

“I figured maybe another kid said something to you. You know how children can pick up things from their older brothers and sisters, or parents. I thought—”

“Another child would have said, he touched my weewee, or privates, and left it at that. Or maybe even he put something in his mouth. I wasn’t speakin’ that way. You know the terms I used. It wasadultlanguage! The proper vocabulary… not slang or kiddie words.”

“But you were smart! You could’ve—”

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