Page 3 of See No Evil

He grabbed the pen and tapped it against the table, thinking. Thinking. Thinking. He’d been working as a crime scene cleaner for his best friend’s company, and though he was good at it and it paid the bills, he aspired for more. Much more.

I got some good skills from that, but how could I apply that shit to something else? I mean, it’s pretty specialized. I’ve got Heat-illness awareness training. Respiratory protection training. Medical waste handling and transporting training. Bloodborne pathogen training. Personal protective equipment training. Hazardous communication training. I got all of that shit. And then, too, I got a lot of great skills from drug dealin’. Gift of gab. Keepin’ cool under pressure. Reading people. Tapping into folks’ fears and desires. Knowin’ my surroundings. My math skills are exceptional, if I say so myself, but I always did good in school. I was a straight A student no matter what class it was. I liked learning. I just didn’t like school.

That shit came easy to me. I was truant a lot though, and that’s the only reason my grades started to slip. Not ’cause I didn’t know the material, but because I wasn’t always there to take the damn tests. Mrs. Florence would get mad at me, and tell me to stop missin’ school. I listened to her ’cause I knew she cared. She told me I had a lot of potential. That I was one of the smartest students she ever had.

My sister Melanie said I should go to college. That I got the mind and discipline for it. But I don’t think college is for me. I don’t like that environment. Sittin’ in a little ass chair, listening to someone talk for an hour about bullshit, or something I already know, or could’ve found out for myself on Google. I likelearnin’ new shit, it’s fun actually, but not that way. I’m more hands on…

With a sigh, he got to his feet and grabbed a beer from the kitchen. As soon as he moved, Tank, his Doberman, chased his heels. Tank was obsessed with cheese, but wasn’t allowed to have any. Regardless, he’d always follow him to the refrigerator and sit there and beg for a slice. Legend closed the refrigerator door with his hip, and the animal began to whine and complain.

“Tank, stop. No cheese, homie. Not good for you.” He rubbed the dog’s head. “Oh, wait. I do have some cheese-flavored dog snacks the vet said you could have though. Just bought ’em last night actually.” He took a swig of his beer, set it down on the counter, and pulled out a box of Wholesome’s Cheezy Bites Dog Treats. Pouring them into Tank’s stainless-steel bowl with his name on it, he set it down, then watched the dog approach the dish, sniff the little pieces of kibble, and go to town.

It wasn’t long before the other two dogs, Dior, his Rottweiler, and the German Shepherd, Trigger, came begging, too. After putting treats in all their bowls, he returned to his laptop and started to log into one of his social media accounts. Just then, his friend and boss, Axel, called.

I shouldn’t answer. This is my day off. This mothafucka probably wants me to come in today. I just need some time alone. Axel is a damn slavedriver. I’m glad that since Cameron, his son, was born, he’s slowed down, but now he got more mothafuckas on the team, pickin’ up the slack. He’s out here trying to snatch up all of these contracts at our expense. I swear, if he wasn’t my best friend and helped me when I was down, I’d try and beat this mothafucka’s ass. The money though… He pays good. Let me go on ’head and answer this damn phone.

“Axel Rose, what is it?”

“Why is it, that almosteverytime I call you, you have a new nickname for me? Never mind. Hey, you want to—”

“No. I don’t want to come into work today and slang some guts. I want the money though. Can I just file some paperwork or some shit? If I get a papercut, maybe I can apply for worker’s comp.”

“I’m not callin’ you about work, asshole. I’m callin’ because English is having an outside dinner party next week, and we wanted to invite you, before I forget. I know how busy you get, runnin’ around smokin’, drinkin’ and screwin’ different women every night of the week and all.”

“You sound jealous!” He cackled.

“Jealous? Why would I want to end up being the seventy-year-old in the bar that women complain about hittin’ on them, trying to pick them up after popping a Viagra pill? That’s exactly where you’re headed. Receding hairline, run-down church shoes, pot belly and all. Single and alone.”

“Ain’t my fault you decided to tie yourself to just one vagina for the rest of ya life. I tried to stop you, but you were too far gone. English is havin’ a tea pah-tee, you say?” Legend said in a faux British accent, then burst out laughing. “Will she have Earl Grey, my good man? If not, what the bloody hell?!”

He heard a loud groan on the other end of the line, and all that did was stoke his fires of amusement.

“It’s just a nice get together. Family and friends. A way to end the summer.”

“That’s called a picnic. No need to call it an outside dinner party. Try and fancy it up. So, English asked me to come, huh? She misses a mothafucka,” he stated smugly as he jammed his hand down the front of his pants. “I knew she loved me. She can’t get enough of me.”

“You’re not her favorite person, Legend. She just tolerates you. She thinks you’re batshit crazy. I refused to lie to her, so Ididn’t disagree. In fact, we looked up the word insane, and there was your picture.”

“Man, you’re outta your mind. Your woman loves tha fuck outta me, man. In fact, had she metmefirst,you’dbe the one gettin’ an invitation to her little funky ass shindig, and we’d have ’bout three or fo’ babies right now. You must not be layin’ that pipe right, ’cause a mothafucka like me would keep her ass knocked up, twenty-four-seven, ya hear? Back-to-motherfuckin’ back. Consecutive like a prison sentence! BAM BAM BAM!!! Look at all dem babies! Gotdamn!” He hooted and hollered, laughing his ass off.

He always enjoyed how irate Axel would get when he’d say things like that about English. He didn’t mean the majority of them, but Axel was so easily annoyed about such things, it was hard to resist. It made his day.

“You keep fuckin’ around, saying shit like that, and see what happens. The only BAM! BAM! BAM! Will be from my gun jammed in your ass. Not everything is a joke.”

“…You’re right. But your face is. You look like Janice from the Muppets.”

“Are you coming or not? It’s being catered, so she wants to know how many people will be there.”

“I can come through. Should I bring anything? Like some actualrealfun and excitement? All English does is talk about old, musty ass books, and your idea of fun is finding a missing eyeball embedded in a mattress. Y’all some boring asses…’specially since my godson arrived. You takin’ this father shit too far,” Legend teased.

“Just bring yourself, and some class. I know the last request is a tall order.”

Axel abruptly ended the call, causing Legend to roar with laughter.

He turned back to the computer, burped, and set his beer down. After cracking his knuckles. He typed in a few local community college names and continued his research.

Maybe Melanie was right. My little sister sometimes is, every now and again. She probably knows me better than anyone, besides Axel and Caspian. Maybe I should at least look into getting into a college, or some type of program. Let me see what types of majors they have. There might be somethin’ for a mothafucka like me after all…

…A few days later

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