Page 79 of A Lie so Dangerous and Fragile

I thought about it so many times, asking for help, but something was holding me back. I got scared. I couldn’t trust any of them, not even Vina. If my blood could hurt me and betray me, it was no different for anyone close to me. Keeping the twins a secret was my best option. I needed to keep them away from people who might hurt them. They needed to be far away from my past mistakes.

I had managed to get some money from Adrian to settle my rent and buy some necessary things for the kids. I used the rest of the money for Kayla’s hospital treatment. She had tiny bumps all over her body that made her cry, and it was hard for her to sleep. Within a week, I was broke again.

“I’m putting up one of the twins for adoption,” I said to Mrs. Rodriguez after she succeeded in putting Kayden to sleep.

At almost one in the morning, his eyes had been wide open. I sang and rocked him in my arms, but he only giggled. Like I always said, Mrs. Rodriguez had superpowers ’cause he had gone to sleep within a minute once she walked around the room with him on her shoulder, tapping his back continuously.

“No.” She shook her head at my revelation.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“We’ll work it out. Relax,mija,” she said, sitting next to me on the bed.

“It’s a lot to handle. I can’t keep up with anything. Last night, I had to wrap the twins in towels in place of a diaper.”

“Listen to me,mija. Give it time, and everything will be fine.”

“No, it will never get better,” I snapped. “Sorry,” I apologized for raising my voice at her.

“You have to tell the father,” she said, and I stared at her as if she had suddenly grown three heads.

“I know, but he has to know about his kids regardless of what happened between you two. He is the father. You cannot give his child away without telling him. He could help and—”

“No,” I cut in sharply.

Mrs. Rodriguez sighed, looking stressed.

“He doesn’t have to know. I can figure this out. I did my research on the agency, and it says I can put up the child for adoption without the father’s consent.”

“Don’t do this,” she begged, taking my hand.

I had made up my mind. I wished I didn’t have to make this decision, but I couldn’t watch them suffer any longer. I couldn’t provide their basic needs, and I couldn’t depend on Mrs. Rodriguez, who was struggling with her husband’s health and hospital bills.

“I don’t want to. I really wanna keep the twins, but I can’t give them the life they deserve.” I sniffled.

“It’s okay.” She pulled me into her arms.

I could feel the heaviness in my chest every time I thought about what I was about to do. The guilt was slowly weighing me down like a pile of bricks. I felt like a monster even if it felt like I was making the right decision for them.

“Which of the twins are you keeping?” Mrs. Rodriguez asked, and her question only made me cry harder.

Could I give both of them away so they wouldn’t be separated, so I wouldn’t have to choose? They were going to hate me. They were going to regret having a mother like me.

“I don’t know,” I whimpered.

I stayed up all night, thinking if I should put up both twins for adoption. I didn’t want to choose, and I didn’t want to separate them. I wished I hadn’t grown so attached, I wished it weren’t this difficult, and most of all, I wished I hadn’t had to make this decision.

***

I spent the next few days picking a family and staying in contact with the agency. I was faced with a decision of an open or closed adoption. I didn’t know if I should keep the adoption open, so if I ever wanted to see her again, I could contact her adoptive family. She would hate me, but they could give her everything I couldn’t. I went with a closed adoption. They had shown pictures of the room they had made for her. They seemed really nice and had three dogs and two other kids they had adopted, so Kayla wouldn’t feel alone.

The day of finalizing the adoption came quicker than I’d wanted. I held on to Kayla so tight, apologizing and crying the whole ride. I had given her one of my necklaces that I’d had since I was a kid. Mrs. Rodriguez came with me for emotional support. Kayden was back home with Yoselin, who refused to talk to me because of my decision.

It was the worst feeling ever, giving away a child I’d carried for nine months. It was gut-wrenching as I stared at her and she was smiling, unaware she’d never see her mother again.

“It’s not too late to cancel,” Mrs. Rodriguez said, trying to talk me out of it again.

We made our way to the building. My heart was beating so fast, and my arms were shaking. I forced a smile as I met the family adopting her. I was given paperwork and was told the rules again. I took a deep breath as I signed my parental rights away. I shook hands with the family, and they gave me a few minutes with Kayla.

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