Page 80 of A Lie so Dangerous and Fragile

“Hey,” I whispered, stroking her cheek.

She giggled and wiggled in my arms.

Was it too late to tell them I didn’t want to go through with the adoption anymore? Was I being selfish? Would things get better?

I blinked the tears away. “I love you.” I kissed her lips and the top of her head.

My heart ripped apart as I looked over at the adoptive parents. Would they treat her right? Would they give her everything I couldn’t?

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” I tried to hold the tears back.

I gave her to her adoptive mother, who assured me she was going to take good care of her and thanked me repeatedly. Kayla burst into tears immediately after the lady took her, and it became harder to walk away and pretend she never existed.

I left the building, not looking back as tears blurred my vision. All I wanted to do was to turn back and take her back home with me.

***

The sound of her cry haunted me for weeks. I couldn’t sleep, and every time I stared at the empty space where her crib used to be, I was filled with guilt and shame for what I had done.

I apologized to Kayden for taking his sister away. As if he felt her absence, he’d been crying a lot. They used to speak gibberish to each other, as if communicating in a language that only they understood, but she was gone now. I had to live with my decisions and move on. She was happy now and well taken care of.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered to Kayden as I stroked his hair.

***

The next few months were not the best, but they were better. Kayden just turned one, and we threw him a small birthday party with just Mrs. Rodriguez, Yoselin, and myself. I forced a smile the whole day, trying to hide how I was breaking into pieces inside as I imagined how Kayla would be celebrating her birthday.

I’d thought it would get better over the months, but the pain and guilt of not being with her intensified every day. My decision kept haunting me. I kept dreaming about her, and I had to keep convincing myself that I had done the right thing. We didn’t talk about her in the house. It was as if she never existed, but I knew Mrs. Rodriguez and her daughter were doing it, so I wouldn’t feel more awful than I was already feeling. No matter how I tried to tell myself that it would be much easier to move on by erasing her from my memory, it never worked. I was mad at myself for not being able to do enough to keep them together.

Night after night, I stared at her pictures and replayed every memory I had of her, and it only broke my heart into pieces. The agonizing pain felt like someone was pouring hot acid into every open wound in my chest. I would hug her tiny clothes that still held her scents and smell her, wishing I were holding her in my arms. My throat burned, trying to hold back the sound of my cry so I wouldn’t wake anyone up. I would fist my chest like it’d stop the pain.

I questioned if I’d made the right decision, whether it was the worst decision I had ever made or the best decision for her. She was a part of me, and I could tell I’d lost myself after I gave her away.

After falling into another pit of depression and working two jobs a week, I decided it was time to return home. I was afraid to go back to California, but I needed Vina. I had promised myself I would tell her about the twins even though there was a flicker of doubt in the back of my head, telling me not to trust her.

My plan was to spend some time with Vina, get back to school, get a degree, and move to another state with Kayden. Vina had told me the Sanchesters left California and might never return. It was a relief for me and another reason I wanted to go back to the place I’d once considered home.

I wanted to do everything quietly without informing anyone I was coming. I had saved enough to get the paperwork done and buy a ticket home. It was hard to say good-bye to the family I’d made and the place I had called home for almost two years. I was tempted to go and search for Kayla and take her with me, but I had to accept that she was happy with her new family.

My flight was set to leave in the afternoon. Mrs. Rodriguez and Yoselin came with me to the airport and stayed till we went through our boarding gate. I’d promised to keep contacting them as I walked away. Yoselin was in tears as she waved us good-bye. I wished I had enough to give them to show my gratitude for all they had done for me and my babies.

“Hi, cutie,” the lady sitting across from me on the plane said, waving at Kayden.

He giggled, clutching me as he stared at her. I had removed him from his seat and been holding him in my arms since he wouldn’t stop crying.

“Is it his first time flying?” she asked, trying to make conversation, but all I wanted to do was get through this flight and figure out how to tell Vina all the horrible things I had done.

“Yeah.” I smiled.

“Aw, he is brave. The first time I took my kid on a plane, he cried and refused to let go of my hand.” She laughed while I smiled. “Are you from California?”

“Yeah,” I replied, looking outside the window at the darkness, hoping she would get the hint and stop talking to me.

“Do you live with your husband in California, or are you just visiting?” she asked.

I pretended like I hadn’t heard her as I kept looking outside the window. Hadn’t she noticed my bare finger?

Eventually, she stopped talking, and I managed to have a peaceful flight with Kayden crying every hour or trying to get down and play around.

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