Page 64 of Northern Stars

I didn’t want to feel that. I didn’t want to feel her because she had no business remaining in my mind, in my psyche, in my fucking shattered heart.

I stood by her! I stood by her side through all her hardships, and the moment she got the opportunity to throw me to the side, she did it without any effort. She went on and on about how if we started dating, we wouldn’t ruin our friendship, and then she did this.

“I’m fine,” I murmured, reaching into my backpack underneath the seat to grab my script. I was going to pour myself into my craft. I was going to immerse myself into every character that came before me because if I focused all my attention on the characters, I’d have less time to focus on myself. On my feelings. I didn’t want to feel anymore, so I did the only thing I could think to do—I shut off that corner of my soul.

I locked up my emotions and threw away the key.

I’d spend the rest of my life dedicated to the characters in my movies so I wouldn’t have to face the hole that Hailee left within my chest. It was easier that way. It was easier to become someone else instead of being the heartbroken kid from Leeks, Wisconsin, who had enough nerve to fall in love with his best friend.

I satin the bedroom of our rental property in California, having a full-blown panic attack. My body was drenched in sweat, and my heart felt as if it was being tossed through a paper shredder. The room was pitch black, and the only noise heard was the spinning of the ceiling fan above me. I felt nauseous as I replayed my last words to Hailee.

I never want to speak to you again.

Why did I say that? I didn’t mean that. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused and blindsided, but I didn’t mean that. Of course, I didn’t mean that. She was my person. I needed her. My heart ached without her.

I couldn’t breathe at a steady pace as I reached for my cell phone and texted her.

Aiden:I didn’t mean what I said, Jerry. I’m sorry. I love you.

Aiden:It’s late, so I know you’re sleeping, but please, call me in the morning.

Aiden:I shouldn’t have gotten on the plane. Fuck, Hails, I’m sorry.

Aiden:Even if we are just friends, that’s fine. I can do that.

Aiden:I just need you in my life, okay?

Aiden:I need you.

Aiden:Call me in the morning.

Aiden:I love you, Hailee. I love you.

She didn’t textme the next morning. She didn’t text me that following week.

She didn’t write me back for weeks until she did.

Hailee:I’m so sorry, Aiden. Our lives are heading in different directions. Maybe we can still be friends, but I think it’s best if we don’t talk for a while.

And just like that, the sun of my life faded to darkness.

Part II

“Love is so short and forgetting is so long.” – Pablo Neruda

21

Aiden

Five Years Later

I was convincedmy heartbeats were built on loneliness. They thrived in the darkness of my solitude.

Everyone who surrounded me probably didn’t even notice the seclusion leaking from my spirit. They’d never came close enough to exam the real me. They only knew the character I’d presented myself as. To them I was Aiden Walters, Hollywood’s it boy. The happy-go-lucky people-person who thrived in crowded rooms. Yet my true self was the complete opposite.

I was Aiden Walters, the lonely boy. The boy who’d become too great at covering up his panic attacks on red carpets. The boy who’d become a chameleon based on whoever he was interacting with. People thought they liked me because when they talked, I listened without inserting my thoughts and opinions. I laughed when they laughed. I grimaced when they did, too. It would amaze you how many people wanted someone to simply listen to them and not give them feedback.

People liked me because they didn’t know me. If they knew me, they’d probably be turned off by the level of sadness inside my soul. Then again, who was I to be sad? I had fame, money, and success. How dare I even question my mental health when I’d been given so many blessings. At least that was how my father made me feel on the subject.

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