Page 138 of Western Waves

He moved closer to me. “I would. I would know. And it would break my fucking heart, so come on, man.” He held his hand out toward me. “Get down, and I’ll give you my word that I’ll help you figure your shit out. I’ll give you my word that I’ll stay.”

I snickered, unconvinced. “What the hell does your word even mean?”

“Everything,” he said, certain. “It means everything.”

I didn’t know why, but I took his hand. He pulled me off the ledge and then pulled me into a hug that I didn’t even know I needed. I fell apart in his shoulder, trembling as he held on tight as if I was more than a stranger. As if I was important. As if I mattered.

“I got you, man. I got you,” he swore. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“You don’t know that.” I cried into him. I fell apart in a stranger’s arms as he soothed my troubled heart.

“I know, but I’m going to do everything possible to make sure it is for you,” he said. “What’s your name, buddy?”

“Damian,” I muttered.

“Damian. Nice to meet you. I’m Connor, and I’m going to be your new friend, okay? I’m going to have your back when you need it. Whenever you feel close to the edge, come find me.”

39

Stella

Present Day

My mind was overtaking me.I thought after finding out Grams was going to be okay, my anxiety would go away. I thought the panic attacks would disappear, but they didn’t. They only increased in intensity as each week passed by.

I had nightmares about losing the baby. I’d wake up in pools of sweat, covered in chills. Some nights, I’d dream about Grams losing her life and me not finding her in time. Then I’d dream about Damian. Dying. Disappearing. Leaving.

Everyone left at the end of the day.

No matter how much a person wanted them to stay.

Mama was gone. Kevin was gone. I was breaking, breaking, breaking…

“A break?” Damian asked, stunned as he stood in front of me. “What do you mean?”

“Well, we just completed the six months of the will. Everything has happened so fast within those six months, and honestly, I don’t think we’ve had a chance to catch up with the craze of it all.”

His brows knitted as he lowered his stare to the floor of the bedroom, and then he looked up at me. “So, you want a break from me? From us?”

I hated this. I hated how I was hurting him, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was so consumed by the idea of loss that I feared holding on.

“I mean, the marriage wasn’t really real to begin with, you know? We were forced into proximity with one another. Plus, you never really had a chance to live the life you wanted over the past six months. You deserve more than me. Besides, I can’t truly expect you to be okay raising another man’s child.”

“You can expect that because I will, and I will love them as my own.”

He said it so confidently that I almost backed out from saying what I felt needed to be said. I wanted him. I wanted him so much that my heart ached thinking about the idea of him leaving, but I’d rather let go now than someday in the future when the love was so deep that the idea of losing him would make me lose myself.

Like how when Kevin lost my mother.

I wasn’t certain I’d ever recover from that kind of break.

“I’m…” I took a breath and looked away from him. I could not stare at those ocean eyes as I let go. “I’m sorry I can’t do this right now, Damian. Not with everything going on. I feel as if I just need to focus on me and keep the baby healthy and keep myself healthy. I can’t focus myself anywhere else at this time.”

He stepped backward, and I saw it. The walls crumbling around him. He cleared his throat and nodded. “You’re scared. I get it. I made a promise to myself that I’d never beg for someone to keep me after so many times of being misplaced, but that’s what’s happening here. You’re letting me go because you’re scared that something will happen down the line. I thought I feared being left behind, but I can tell that that fear is much deeper within you.”

“Damian…”

“It’s okay, Stella,” he swore, stepping closer to me. He took his hands into mine and kissed my palms gently. “If you need me to go, I will go. But just know that I am not truly going anywhere. I’ll be right there around the corner when you’re ready to let me back in, okay?”

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