Page 92 of Forever My Saint

“You’re ripping out my fucking heart!” he utters with so much passion. “Why do you see the good in everyone?”

“Because I’ll never give up hope,” I reply, hoping he understands. He doesn’t.

“You’re doing this forhim?”

Disgust coats his venomous words, but he’s misunderstood. The reason I’m doing this runs far deeper than what he thinks.

“The risk to your heart is more.”

Stepping forward with palms raised in surrender, I hope he appreciates why I’m doing this when I whisper, “No, I’m doing this for you.”

A plume of smoke slips past Saint’s lips as he gasps.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you’re okay with letting that vile…monster live? Are you really okay with leaving and not making him pay for what he did?”

There is no need to establish who I am speaking about. Saint may think Alek is the reason I want to go back, and yes, he is in part. He’s a pawn in this game, we all are, and we all have a part to play. And Saint’s turn is now.

“I’m doing what you asked me to!” he cries, arms spread out wide. He is frustrated and confused.

“I know, and I was wrong to ask that of you. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s done. I’ll learn to live with my choice.”

But he isn’t fooling anyone because that’s a life half lived.

I ensure to keep my distance because Saint is a live wire. And he has every right to be. “No matter how much we have, it’ll never be enough. Life will always be lacking something. A certain flavor, a particular pitch, nothing will ever be good enough because you will never be satisfied. You will never be whole.”

Saint closes his eyes and tips his chin to the heavens. “Why are you doing this?”

Taking small, measured steps toward him, I reveal, “I asked you for something I had no right to. This is your fight, and I took it away from you. I can’t ask you to sacrifice this because if you were to ask me the same with Drew, I would lose a small part of myself too.”

Hoping that he sees reason, I give him the time he needs.

“He left like a coward, and I refuse to accept that ending. We have unresolved business, and we would be cowards too if we didn’t end this for good. No more looking over our shoulders. We need closure…whatever that may be.

“I thought I was doing the right thing by saving you, but something Larisa said opened my eyes.”

Saint’s chest rises and falls deliberately as he is measuring his breathing. I know I should have done this sooner, but I thought I was doing the right thing.

“What did she say?” I’m surprised to hear Zoey’s voice. She remains in the van, but she’s heard everything.

“She said I was to never compromise what I think is right. Doesn’t matter the risk. The risk to my heart is more,” I recite. Spoken aloud, I’m even more confident I’m doing the right thing.

Zoey seems to ponder on what I’ve just told her. “And how do you interpret that? It could mean a million things.”

She’s right. But to me, it’s the difference between living in the darkness and light.

“What I think is right is that bastard, Oscar, deserves to pay for what he’s done. As does Astra. I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving, but it feels as though we’re running away.”

Saint’s eyes spark an electric green as he focuses them my way.

“The risk if we do go is that we may die. But I’m willing to sacrifice that because the risk to my heart, the risk toyou, Saint,” I clarify so he knows that my heart is him, “is worth it because you will always live in the shadows if you don’t kill that motherfucker.”

His voice is hoarse as he questions, “And saving Alek is the right thing to do?”

And once again, I’m stuck at a moral crossroads.

“After everything he’s done, saving him doesn’t seem like the right thing to do, but neither is letting him die,” I explain. “Yes, he’s the bad guy, but I would be too if I let him die. Doing this doesn’t make me weak…”

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