Page 11 of Devotion: Isn't What It Seems (Love Isn't What It Seems 1)

“Lizzy says you are sharp as a whip,” her husband added and I couldn’t help but smile. Colin and Lizzy’s eyes snapped to me.

“Not sure about that,” I told her husband. “She’s probably happy to have some help.”

“I sure am,” Lizzy commented with a big smile. “You are smart as a whip. And efficient.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, feeling awkward at her compliment. “So is it just you hanging out after work?” I asked in an attempt to shift conversation away from me.

Colin gave a wide smile. “Well, this is just our routine. We’ve known each other for a long time. Jack and I went to school together. Then Lizzy got a job working for me and those two hit it off, got married, and had kids.”

With a sharp pang in my heart, I thought back to my baby I’d never see grow up. Images of soft dark curls and dark eyes, little baby fingers gripping onto me flashed in front of me.

My chest tightened and it got harder to breathe. I missed him, his little smiles, hearing his coos, I missed all the possibilities of seeing him turn into a boy. I stared at the wood chip in the grain of the table, trying to focus on that rather than images of my baby as the hurt in my chest and my heart intensified.

“Eve,” I heard Colin’s voice through the haze of pain. I lifted my eyes to his and tried to shake off images of the past and focus on his kind eyes. His mouth moved but my brain just couldn’t process what he was saying.

Why was it so hard to move on?

“Eve,” Colin repeated my name, his voice firm and I blinked my eyes. Once. Twice. And the haze of pain slowly started lifting; the fog in my brain started clearing up.

“Yes?” My voice was a raspy whisper.

A moment of silence and he asked. “What ice cream flavor would you like?”

Ice cream?Ah yes.

I noticed the waiter staring at me like I’m crazy or stupid.

“No ice cream,” I spoke slowly. “Glass of water and ice coffee please.”

The waiter continued eying me and I held his stare, then he finally shrugged his shoulder and wrote a note.

The rest of the crew placed their order and the waiter left.

“You should join in our tradition and come every week with us,” Lizzy suggested when he left.

I nodded reluctantly although I wasn’t sure if I should. I felt out of place here, among all these people seemingly happy. I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t even content. I was just surviving on a sad routine of everyday life. I used to love to read and writing was my life. I haven’t written a single word since their death. I haven’t picked up a book in just as long. I haven’t turned on the TV nor radio since their death. I’ve been thriving in my pain, alone in the silence of my apartment.

Did my actions prevent me from moving on?I asked myself.Did I even want to move on?

“Jack and I lost twins a few weeks after they were born,” Lizzy’s voice and words startled me. I glanced at her, waiting.

I wasn’t sure why she brought that up. I couldn’t even speak about my baby boy without breaking down.

Neither had I told Colin nor her anything about my past. Elise indicated Brandon just told Colin about my husband’s death and that I was trying to get a new start. So I just stared at Lizzy in silence, waiting for some miracle suggestion from her that would help me move on.

“It was tough,” her voice was sad. Tears glistened in her eyes and she quickly wiped them off before they spilled. “Doing small everyday things helped. This was one of them. We didn’t do them regularly beforehand but we started afterwards. And it stuck.”

I watched her pensively. I hadn’t done any small things since they passed away up till a month ago when Brandon got me this job. I wondered if that qualified for small everyday things but my mouth stayed shut.

Luckily the waiter came up at that moment and the conversation topic changed. I mostly listened to them talking, sometimes hearing what they were saying and sometimes getting lost in my thoughts.

But when I got home that night, desperation and sadness weren’t an overwhelming feeling that threatened to drown me.

For some reason, my thoughts flew back to my work days back in the States before… well, before everything. I worked very late hours, and then I’d get home and work some more hours. I missed a lot of time with my baby boy and I certainly missed a lot of signs from my husband.

Maybe it was me that started the discontent between us when I refused to take his last name after we wed. I was proud of my name, and everything I accomplished. It was possibly vain of me to insist on keeping my last name, and not only as my publishing name. Now looking back, I could understand his resentfulness. As the chief editor at the same publishing company, it hurt his pride.

Glancing at the mirror, my eyes lock on the necklace around my neck with two rings hanging off of it, mine and Hunter’s wedding rings. I hadn’t taken them off since I left for the business trip right before their deaths. It was his last ultimatum and request before I left for the airport, to figure out where my priorities laid.

Lifting my eyes away from the rings, I studied my reflection in the mirror. I looked frail and pale, dangerously close to being classified as too skinny, like I was on my way to withering to nothing. There were dark circles under my eyes as a proof to my nightmares. The only thing that seemingly hasn’t suffered from my self-abuse over the past months was my dark luscious hair.

Maybe Elise has a point,I thought to myself,time to pick myself up. I used to take pride in my appearance.

I promised Elise I’d eat well everyday so I forced myself to eat at least some lunch and often skipped dinners. I didn’t want to worry her anymore. Every day she’d text me asking what I ate and I replied with the short summary, although I knew I didn’t eat enough. I had to do better.

I forced myself to eat dinner and changed into jogging clothes. I didn’t jog but took an hour walk focused on the sights around me, trying to see my new home city for the first time.

When I got back from the walk, I took a shower and went to sleep physically exhausted. As my head hit the pillow, sleep came quickly.

I dreamt of my baby boy, but for the first time since that frightful night, I didn’t wake up in a cold sweat. Instead, I dreamt of his happy smiles and big, warm brown eyes watching me with devotion.

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