Page 42 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

He stroked her hair back off her face. “Start with you, Chay. If it was just you that you had to think about, what would you do? Who would you be?”

“It’s not that simple. The wedding. Asher. My parents. There is a lot to consider.”

“Itisthat simple.” Ben nudged her over on the bed, then climbed on and lay down facing her. He thought about the number of times they’d lain on the sofa just like this, both of them trying to pretend they didn’t feel something for one another. He reached for her hand and held it between them. “You don’t want to marry Asher, you tell him. You don’t want to marry himyet, you tell him. You need money to cover the cancelled wedding so your parents aren’t mad, I’ll give it to you.” He took a breath. “You want to celebrate your faith in your own way and be happy with me, you seize the fucking moment, Chaya. Because if thereisa god ofanydenomination, I’m pretty sure they don’t want their creation this unhappy following in their faith.”

“Do you remember what Matt said Nan asked him about Iz when he was messed up about their relationship?”

Ben stroked her cheek. “About whether he could see his life without Iz in it and he couldn’t?”

Chaya nodded. “What if I couldn’t see my life without you? What if I chose you?”

His heart squeezed at her words. “Total honesty?”

Worry filled her eyes. “Always.”

“I think we only get one chance at doing this. Because this…” he gestured between the two of them, “…this isn’t the kind of shit you keep doing. I’d only just been able to draw a line between us, and it hurts so bad I’m not sure how to recover from it. You choose us, I’m all in. But if you make up your mind now, while you’re sad and reeling and uncertain, and then six months from now you change your mind, I think it might break us for good.”

Everything he was feeling was reflected right back at him in Chaya’s eyes. “I’m sorry, Ben.”

“I’m sorry too. For not being able to be the man you need. I can’t disrespect your faith by pretending I embrace it.”

“Don’t say that,” she said. “It’s not like either one of us can help the family and traditions we were born into.”

Silence floated over them, and Ben realised he was subconsciously fiddling with Chaya’s engagement ring. He let go of her hand as if it burned. “Sorry.”

Chaya angled her hand to look at it. “What should we do?”

“I have a suggestion. I go back on tour in four days, which we’re going to do now Nan is awake and doing better. I’m supposed to be gone for a month. Why don’t we take a break?”

“A break? Why—”

“Not a permanent one. You do need some space, sweetheart. You need to think this through. And if, after all that thinking, your future involves me and not Asher, you need to have those conversations with him. Let him know. Break it off. Because this… You and me like this, it’s not fair to him. I wanted to hate him, but I can’t. I can’t blame him for seeing how rare and precious you are.”

“I was thinking the same thing too. That I’ve been an awful human being to him. I’ve repeatedly told him there was nothing to worry about when it came to you, but I’ve been lying.”

Ben smiled softly. “You aren’t an awful human being, but all of this is neither of our best moments. It’s not Asher's, either. He’s rushed you too. From the very beginning. And none of those reasons are actually about his feelings for you. He’s rushing it for his grandmother and rushing it because he wants to formalise the two of you. So, here’s what I propose. I’m going back on tour. I’ll be gone for four weeks. Let’s take time without each other to think. I mean, properly spend it apart. No contact. I’ll spend some time getting my shit under control. No more getting so drunk I fall off stage in front of a million phones. You make space and figure out what you want. On the day I come back, you’re going to let me know if you want us. If you do, I’m going to come find you, your shift pattern allowing, and I’m going to take you on a date.”

“A date? But we spend all our time together anyway. Why can’t—”

“We have all the time in the world. I don’t want to pick up from where we left off. I want us to start at the beginning. We broke up before we even got together. Let’s go back to the beginning and savour every step. I want that anticipation with you. I want that journey with you. We know we can be friends, now we need to find out if we can be partners and lovers.”

“Urgh. How do you always know how to say the right things?”

“I seem to recall I said some completely wrong things, recently. The next time any of your stuff appears at my house, I want it to be because you’ve made a conscious decision to move in. Not because stuff just drifts over. I want you to be certain the first time I kiss you for real.”

Chaya sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

“Are you feeling calmer?” he asked.

“Sort of. I already know some things I have to do, and I’m scared.”

“You need me to drop out of the tour? It was only a suggestion that I’m gone for a month without contact. If that’s too hard, I’ll be there for you. You know that. You don’t have to deal with this all on your own.”

Chaya shook her head and leaned up on one elbow, her long dark hair pooling on the bed. “No. Because that’s your superpower and greatest weakness. Youwoulddrop out of the tour for me, but that wouldn’t be good for you. Maybe one thing you need to consider is how you stop shape-shifting for all of us. And I think one of the things I need to do is start relying on myself for the difficult stuff. And be accountable for me. I’ll do this. Thank you.”

She was right. Hediddo that. And he was starting to see it more and more.

They studied each other for a moment, a tender heat flowing between them. It would be too easy to lean into her, and as he had the thought, that was exactly what Chaya did. Gently, he placed his palm on her shoulder to stop her. “As much as I’d love to kiss you, we can’t do that to any of us. You’re too upset, and I think, in time, even if you do choose us, you’d hate yourself for physically cheating on Asher. And like I said, if we kiss, I want your mind and heart clear on what it wants. But trust me, if you choose us, on that first date, I’m going to kiss you. A lot. Okay?”

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