Page 103 of Let Me Love You (Excess All Areas 5)

Ben had sent her pictures of the two of them watching Peppa Pig and a video of Zale just happily rolling around on the rug.

“It’s good to have a husband who’s happy to do that,” Chaya said.

“Do you think Ben would make a good dad?” Amber asked.

Chaya nodded. “I was just thinking that he will.”

Amber paused whatever she was keying into the computer. “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Shoot.”

“Isn’t it weird? I mean. You’re just a doctor on my ward. I don’t think of you beyond my friend and that. But I was scrolling social media the other night, and there you were on someone else’s feed, in Ben’s arms, being carried through London like you were in a romantic movie. Loved the dress, by the way. And I thought, ‘Bloody hell, that must be really weird to see yourself on someone else’s social media like that.’ Is it?”

Chaya shrugged. “It is what it is. I learned a long time ago that I can’t control what gets written or posted about me. When the band first got big after their song was used in that viral video, new fans went back through their old social media things and started writing shit about me. How I had a fat arse. How I had an ugly face. Jewish slurs. That kind of thing. I try to remember that it’s not really about me. I’ve always believed that the shit people throw at you is normally rooted in their own insecurities. If they say I have a fat arse, it’s usually because they’re insecure about their own bodies, and because of that, it’s the worst insult they can come up with. If they use Jewish slurs, it’s usually because they don’t have their own sense of belonging and faith. Or because they feel different and want others to feel different too.”

Amber resumed typing. “Well, it’s pretty shitty, Chaya. To me, you were just the slightly obsessive doctor who needed to figure out how to shield themselves a little better so they don’t get burnt out in the next three years.”

“Were?”

“Yes. Were. You and Asher were two sides of the same coin. Relationships don’t work if you’re exactly the same. He left you to work long hours because he worked long hours. But Ben encourages you to not work, and you don’t, because you’re happy to go with him. And I’m sure you encourage him to do what he wants to.”

It was true, Ben did encourage her to step away from work. When was the last time she’d done something sheshoulddo rather than doing something she wanted to do?

She was still thinking about it after the end of her shift as she walked toward Ben’s garage with two iced coffees in her hand.

“Oh, sorry,” she said, looking up at the person she’d nearly dumped her coffee on.

Asher looked down at her. And if that wasn’t bad enough, his parents stepped from behind him.

His father ignored her and carried on walking.

“Hey, Asher. How are you?”

Asher nodded curtly but said nothing. She turned to watch him walk by.

Rachel didn’t follow.

Chaya took a deep breath and turned to face her. “Please forgive me, Rachel. I’m sorry I wasn’t certain enough of my own feelings to realise that what I was doing wasn’t fair to Asher or to you. Your family made me feel so welcome, and I really never meant harm, but I also realise harm is what I caused.”

Rachel sighed, but her eyes held compassion. “Ase hakol be`ahava.”

“My Yiddish is poor, my Hebrew worse. I don’t understand.”

Rachel patted her shoulder. “Let all that you do be done in love, Chaya. Asher told us you apologised. I know how important your faith is to you. Did you make the right call?”

“Yes.” The answer came unbidden. “Yes,” she said a second time. “Ben is the person I’m supposed to be with. I love him, Rachel. With every bit of my heart. I tried to fight how complicated that would be, but I lost.”

“Then go with blessings and be happy.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“Teshuvah. You admit you caused hurt and regret it. You asked for repentance. You have a compassionate heart, Chaya. You made mistakes, but they weren’t intentional. I believe you wanted a relationship with Asher. But it was an academic decision, not an emotional one. Listen to your heart in future, Chaya. The sum of our lives is not the achievements but the feelings.”

“Thank you.” She felt the bands around her chest ease a little. “Asher and Daniel haven’t forgiven me. I wish they would.”

Rachel nodded softly. “They still need more time. Be well, Chaya.”

If she’d just listened to her heart as Rachel had said, she’d have always been Ben’s.

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