Page 33 of Drawn To You

“And how’d that work out for you and Rachel, Royce?” I’d been angry and irritated all day. I had nothing left over to give. My calming vibes and rational thinking were hardly in attendance today. Abby wouldn’t even look in my direction, and every time I looked in hers, I wanted to hit something. Her eyes were red, and with the way that Lily was currently glaring at me, it meant that my plan had worked and they had seen me with Jessica.

Noticing the lone tear falling down her cheek as she walked to her car was so much worse than seeing her hatred brew. I had wanted to chase her down and tell her it was all bull shit. The cup in Royce’s hand crumpled. “Fuck off, Joshua.” Maddox sighed. “Let him be. He’s just pissed because we were right about fucking a virgin.” He paused before smirking. “They are always stage-five clingers, man.” My glare was murderous. I didn’t have the patience for this.

Although Abby felt like the biggest issue in my life at the moment, I was balancing something else that neither Maddox, Royce, nor any of my other friends knew anything about. None of them have kids and are going through a divorce. “I’m pissed about a lot of things,” I said, my voice seemingly calm, although I still had a load of pent-up aggression simmering on the inside, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing. When I was angry but appeared calm and in control, that was when I made really bad choices.

I was tapping into that overbearing feeling of numbness that iced my veins, and that was when I tended to turn ruthless. “Well, dude you need to move on to greener pastures. The sooner the better. Jessica’s always willing to dole out the pussy, good move calling her today.” Royce shrugged before snagging his attention away. “But… he’s right.” I moved my gaze over to Abby, seeing her standing across the yard with her friends. “Right about what?” “If you want to really cool things off with her before she starts planning your wedding, you need to make her see you in a different light. Make her see the player Joshua so she wants to resist you. Show her a side of you she won’t like.”

I flicked a piece of lint off my shirt, feeling a shift inside my chest. Could I do that to her? Did I really want her to hate me? Trailing my gaze across the yard to see Abby, I noticed that she was smiling at something Rain had said, which caused my stomach to knot.

It was the first time I’d seen her smile all day, and it was like we were back to the beginning, when I had first met her before she started to come out of her shell. I had been trying to figure her out from the very second I’d laid eyes on her, and I still was. I distinctly remember thinking she seemed so lost, sitting with Lily and Lainey that day just a few months ago. But now? She didn’t look so lost, even if I knew, deep down, she was still trying to recover from things that happened to her in life that she still hasn’t shared with me. Abby had been coming out of her shell and finding her footing in the last few months. But it seems I’d completely lost mine.

In fact, I was pretty certain that I’d lost myself in her, and she’d found herself in me. My name on Royce’s lips snagged my lingering gaze away from Abby. “All you need to do is get yourself a new toy.” I shut my eyes briefly, reeling in my temper.

“She isn’t a fucking toy to me.” I seethed and Maddox snapped his fingers. “But you sure played with her, didn’t you?” I was seconds away from slamming my fist down onto the table, but Royce cleared his throat and glanced behind me and I know without looking that Abby had made her way over to us.

* * *

Abigail

“Hey, Abbs,” Maddox says, draping a heavy arm over my shoulder and pulling me into his side, as soon as I step into the backyard. “Glad you could make it,” he says, dragging me forward and putting me in close proximity to Joshua. “Just in time to see Royce get his ass handed to him at pool.” I push his arm off my shoulder and watch the scene before me with disinterest. “I’m sure if your asshole friend over there wasn’t such a fucking jerk, I would probably take a second to watch the show,” I tell him.

“I might even consider pretending to be amused by watching you idiots swing your dicks around, but right now, all I want to do is tear into the ass-hat over there.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, forcing myself not to grin at the expression I catch on Joshua’s face. Maddox laughs. “By all means, have at him, babe. There’s really something magical about watching you tear into that fucker that warms my heart.” “As if you have a heart.” I snort and Maddox clutches at his chest. “Damn Abby, you wound me,” he says with a grin that lets me know just how much he isn’t hurt by the comment one bit.

I watch from the corner of my eye as Joshua walks past me, and I notice his fingers flinch before he curls his hands into tight fists, making me wonder what’s going on inside his head. I know he’s seriously emotionally destroyed and I want to help him, but he just won’t let me.

He just keeps pushing me further away.

When I came here tonight I had every intention of giving Joshua the cold shoulder. But even though he had hurt me today I was still worried about him. I didn’t stop caring about him just because my heart had a little tear in it from his show in front of cold stone. The girl, who I learned was named Jessica, was still on Joshua’s lap when I had gotten up to leave. Her long blonde locks fell to her waist when she would throw her head back and laugh at something Joshua said, and I wanted to throw my coffee in their faces. Both of them. I was more confused than anything, but the feelings of shame and betrayal were overwhelming, and I was wearing them like a second skin.

Less than a week ago, Joshua had his arms around me, picking up my broken pieces one by one. I shouldn’t have opened up to him.

He told me time and again that he couldn’t give me a relationship and that we were not exclusive. He was only staying true to what he’d told me, although in a really crappy way. But Joshua and I were always impulsive with one another, and we always ended up all over each other. It was obvious we were both running from a past that neither of us could hide from and racing toward a future that we wouldn’t ever have together. We were kindred spirits.

Both of our pasts were twisted in one way or another and for a short time, we had found solace in each other. But regardless, I should have listened to him when he pushed me away the first time. If I had, maybe I wouldn’t be standing here with raging jealousy rushing through my veins as I spot Jessica perched on a bar stool on the other side of the party.

Joshua kept his gaze on me, and even from several feet away, I could see the brown in his eyes turn dark. He was pissed, but his anger wasn’t directed at me. Instead, he looked at me with what looked like a disappointment. I felt myself starting to retreat for a moment. But no, fuck that. I wasn’t going to apologize for anything. Joshua had no right to make me feel bad for calling him out on his shitty treatment of me.

“What the fuck was that all about?” He stalked over to me quickly, but I didn’t take a step back. I wasn’t afraid of Joshua. Was I conflicted when it came to him? Hell yes. Did I think he was keeping things from me? Yes. But I wasn’t afraid of him. “Did you really think that I wouldn’t be pissed after your display in front of Cold Stone earlier? You knew I’d be at Java Co and that I’d see you.”

“I told you that you shouldn’t get attached to me, Abby. I never made you any promises and I never lied to you.” I scoffed, actually scoffed at him, and crossed my arms over my chest in a really bratty way, completely ignoring how my heart raced with him so close.

“But we both know that I am in this, Joshua! I’ve been in the thick of it with you the entire time! Which I’m sure you knew would happen the moment you dipped your cock inside me!” I paused stunned. Did I actually just say that out loud?! Glancing around, I felt my cheeks heat up with embarrassment, hoping that no one overheard what I’d just said.

“Abby, for fuck’s sake.” Joshua turned away from me. “I thought you knew me better than that.” “Well, I don’t!” I shouted, stepping closer to him. He glared at me at that, but I didn’t hold back. “I thought I knew you better, but now I realize that I don’t. You only show me what you want me to see. You hide things and I get it., I really do.” My voice was a little quieter, even though I was still feeling the rage climb within me. “Because I hide things too. It just is what it is.” Joshua’s hands came up, and he ran them through his hair, and I could sense the frustration coming off of him in waves, but I was frustrated too.

“I told you that I loved you, and I’m sorry if that freaks you out, Joshua. I shouldn’t have said it but it’s how I was feeling at the moment. I wasn’t expecting you to say it back to me, in fact, I knew you wouldn’t. But I had a temporary moment of weakness, which is now evident after your show outside cold stone today. You made me feel small and ashamed, and I will be damned if I am portrayed as weak again. I’ve been weak for most of my life now, and I’m done. I don’t owe you anything, and I surely don’t owe you an apology for calling you on your behavior.”

I started to walk away from him because I could feel the heat radiating off of him, and I didn’t want to crave it as much as I did. I didn’t want to look at his lips and remember the way they felt on mine. I didn’t need Joshua to pick up my broken pieces and sort through my life for me, even if our paths were interlaced at some point or another. Joshua stood there, taking in my words one by one, with his features hard and unreadable. And it was so fucking typical of him I wanted to scream. I had no idea what was going through his mind, but I wasn’t going to stick around to figure it out.

“I will see you around. It was nice while it lasted,” The lie tasted bitter on my lips, and I hated every second of this. I’d always been so comfortable being myself around him. My walls always seem to come down when we were alone, and the truth always seemed to come flying out of my mouth one way or another. But those walls were back up right now, and I was lying through my teeth.

Despite everything, I knew I would still do anything he needed me to do for him. I would even lie for him without any hesitation or thought of repercussions, and that drove me crazy because it wasn’t for my sake it was for his. A part of my heart was attached to his whether I liked it or not. Joshua let out an anguished sound and clenched his eyes shut. He quickly turned around, gripping the back of his neck, and stomped away, leaving me there feeling anything but happy with our interaction.

* * *

Joshua

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