Page 34 of Drawn To You

The party was now in full swing, but I was ready to break something or someone in half, with the way I was feeling right now. The music was grating to my ears, and not even the plethora of shots I’d consumed could cool my anger. I was on edge. I could feel my heart pounding aggressively as I leaned against the bar. The plastic solo cup I held crumpled in my hand as Maddox and Royce tried to talk me down from the ledge.

“Joshua, remember that this was what you wanted to happen,” I growled through my teeth at Royce’s words. I had too much shit going on, and despite my plan to push Abby away working overtime in the back of my head, and the enlightening phone call I’d had with Shannon last night, I was still just as concerned with Abby as I had been from the start. In fact, more so now than ever.

“This isn’t what I fucking wanted. I didn’t want any of this to happen.” Royce’s hands clamped onto my shoulders tightly as his face blocked out the rest of the party from my view. “I got through my breakup with Rachel, and you can get through this. Keep up with the show, make her hate you, stick to your plan and she’ll be better off in the end.” I growled, throwing the solo cup in the trash can next to us.

“No offense, but you didn’t have to deal with seeing Rachel every fucking minute of every day. Imagine that for a minute.” I smacked his hands off me. “Imagine seeing Rachel at all our parties and BBQs and not being able to touch her. Imagine having to pull other girls into your lap to make it clear that you didn’t feel anything for her.”

Having Jessica on my lap earlier today, rubbing her ass all over my thigh as she straddled my knee, felt so fucking wrong. I had felt hollow inside. But I just sat there, waiting for Abby to get up and leave so I could fling her off of me instead of digging myself into an even deeper grave.

I was barely getting out of my bullshit with Shannon I couldn’t just jump into anything heavy with Abby. “Yeah, I’m so sure it was terrible having a hot chick in your lap,” Maddox grunted, and I ignored him, knowing he wouldn’t understand anyway.

I worried about Maddox sometimes, he was a loose cannon and he didn’t always make good choices. Josh had been his conscience and without him, I was scared of what Maddox was capable of. He was hard-headed and selfish by nature, so he was bound to fuck some shit up.

Royce popped his hand in between us, holding three shots in the middle of his palm. “Let’s just get fucked up.” Yeah, but was that such a good idea while Abby was around? I was likely to seek her out and fuck everything up.

Maddox snatched a shot glass, tipping it back and swallowing it whole. “You deserve to let loose some, Joshua. Take some of the load off your back. Let’s go back to how it used to be when we were in high school. Even if it’s just for tonight.”

He smacked my face with excitement clear in his blue eyes as I grabbed onto another shot. Just for tonight. I’d heard that before. Maddox nodded.

“You’re a free man now, let’s celebrate that if nothing else.” I didn’t give two fucks about that right now, and I wasn’t feeling like celebrating anything, but I still threw the shot back in hopes that it would help soothe the ache in my chest.

I desperately needed something to numb me so I could get through the rest of the night. Abby has been there for me in a way that no one else ever has. Through everything the last few months, my breakup with Shannon and losing Josh, every step of the way she was there. She helped me pick up all the broken pieces left of me that Shannon had discarded and helped me piece them back together, and how do I repay her? By taking even more from her without ever planning to give back.

Abby still wouldn’t look at me from across the party, which was exactly what I needed, but fuck if it didn’t hurt like a Bitch. I almost pretended that my phone had gone off, just so I could get away from having to see the hurt look on her face.

I was lucky that Shannon was leaving me alone lately, but I was sure there was a reason for that. Just like I was sure that having to eventually see Abby with someone else would cut me the same way seeing me with Jessica had cut her. Abby wasn’t going to hold back. That sweet, goody-two-shoes girl she was when I had first met her had grown into someone else over the last few months, and I knew it was mostly by my doing.

She was no longer afraid of her own shadow and she didn’t shy away from other people like she used to. She seemed more sure of herself.

Watching her across the party I felt completely out of control, and I wanted to blame it all on everything that was going on with Shannon, but the truth was, I felt disconnected from Abby, and that was what was really making me so antsy right now.

The possessiveness and protectiveness I felt for her had intensified over the last few months, but she didn’t want to be protected by me anymore, and for good reason. I threw back another shot, although I knew I had already reached my limit for the night.

I was seconds from shooting yet another shot down my throat with Maddox’s eager nod in my peripheral when I spotted Abby talking with James, Maddox’s old teammate from football. My eyes burned with a hot intensity, and I could no longer breathe. My heart stopped, and my stomach clenched painfully.

She stood there looking so damn beautiful and hurt that I felt the brunt of shame. It wasn’t that she didn’t look good, she did. She looked really fucking good. Hot as hell. But I could see from here the dejected slump to her shoulders and the tightness around her eyes whenever she smiled at anyone.

The tight black dress she was wearing hardly reached mid-thigh, and I could feel blood shoot straight to my groin as I scanned her creamy, toned legs. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, showing off the perfect curve of her face, and the red lipstick she was wearing was like a punch straight to my gut. But the style wasn’t her. It wasn’t the sweet reserved Abby that I knew. This woman in the sexiest dress I’d ever seen was a girl who was lashing out because she had been hurt by me.

“Hey, Joshua.” hearing Jessica’s voice right now was like nails on a chalkboard. “Are we still on for later tonight?”

Royce pulled me away, and I knew it was because he could sense I was about to tell Jessica to piss off. “Joshua. Think about why you are doing this.” I couldn’t seem to pull my attention away from Abby, even with Royce’s face moving in front of mine. I knew it was because deep down I only wanted her. No one else. I didn’t want Jessica. I didn’t want any other girl at this party. I wanted her.

“I fucking hate this,” I muttered, watching as Lily and Rain dragged Abby over to the table lined with shots. She inched her head back, and I swore I could feel the burn of the alcohol hit the back of my throat too. “Joshua, you need to fucking snap out of it. You are going through a divorce and you are fucked off in the head, do you really think it’s a good idea to jump into a serious relationship right now? Think about her man, do you really want to drag her through the mud with you?”Obviously not asshole. “If you feel an ounce for her what I felt for Rachel, you will stay far away from her.”

I finally pulled my gaze from Abby and stared at Royce. He was right, I needed to stick to my plan. I needed to keep myself away from Abby, but I wasn’t sure if I could. This was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and that was concerning, given everything I’ve been through. Royce tapped my shoulder once and nodded his head behind me.

“Go over there, and put your fucking hands on Jessica’s ass, and show Abby and everyone at this party that she means nothing to you. Because I’m telling you right now, that Abby will be the death of you, Joshua. If she ends up getting hurt because of you, you will never fucking be able to forgive yourself.” I knew my friend was speaking from experience, so I listened to him, I took a deep breath, and walked over to where Jessica was standing.

I was pretty sure it was obvious to her that I didn’t really want her at this point, but I was hoping that it wasn’t obvious to anyone else. There was absolutely nothing between Jessica and me. I didn’t feel any lust or passion. I didn’t even know if I would be able to get a hard-on unless it was with Abby at this point.

If that was the case then a foreseeable future full of celibacy was what I had to look forward to. Wonderful. When my palms landed on Jessica’s hips, I felt like I was handling a grenade. Her head pulled back a little, and I knew that she was looking at something unfolding behind me. My heart was longing for another girl at this party, and I wanted to pound my fist into something to make the music and grating chatter stop for just one fucking second so I could breathe.

Jessica’s hands came up and stroked the sides of my face and she whispered, “It’s okay, Joshua. You can pretend I’m her if you want.” What the fuck! I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. “I’m not sure who you’re talking about.” Did everyone at this party know there was something going on between Abby and me? I thought I’d kept the touching to a minimum when we were around our friends and I didn’t spare her many glances when we were at parties together. “I just know you are going through a divorce and you are obviously still hung up on your ex. But that’s OK with me, Joshua, we can still have fun together if you want,” she explained and I only felt irritation at the mention of Shannon.

My mind wasn’t on my ex-wife, it was on the girl standing on the other side of this backyard talking to that fucking dip-shit jock again. Seeking her out in the very beginning was a total mistake on my part, and deep down, I’d always known it. I’d always known that there was a reason for my need to hover over her and watch her every move.

Abby had somehow dug herself under my skin, and I couldn’t seem to dig her out, not even for a little bit. “We can play a game.” I felt Jessica’s hand creeping up my neck and sliding into my hair. “After all, we’re all just trying to escape for a while, right? Isn’t that the whole reason for these parties? To shut things out for a bit and have a little fun?”

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