Page 87 of Chosen Road

Going inside, I greeted Yiayia quickly before taking the stairs two at a time to get to the privacy of my room. My hands shook as I ripped open the envelope and unfolded the paper.

I scanned it quickly, looking for any word that might signal the end. Not finding that, I went back to the beginning and read it through slowly, imprinting each word on my heart. And then I read it again.

Dear Angus,

I owe you an explanation for my behavior. Ideally, I’d do this in person, but this is the only way the words can come out right now.

Awhile back I attended a seminar about the affects of abandonment on children and how they manifest in adulthood as abandonment issues. I exhibit many of those symptoms.

This is not surprising to me. I knew it in university, and because I recognized it back then, I believed I had a handle on it. I doubt any of this will come as a surprise to you, but I’m hoping by sharing this you might understand.

I struggle with making decisions, due to self-doubt.

I am often easily irritated. Um, and this part is embarrassing but it’s nothing you don’t know, people like me can have explosive bouts of rage. (I’ve been known to break a plate or two.)

I’m a people-pleaser and I dislike conflict, so I will go along with what everyone else wants instead of standing up for what I want. This leads to resentment, which leads to greater irritability, and suddenly that whole avoidance of conflict thing goes up in smoke. (Lucky you.)

I’m often afraid that people won’t stay. No. That’s not accurate. I don’t care whether most people stay or go. It’s you. The possibility that you would leave terrified me. That’s why I sometimes focussed on your flaws, (I can hear your voice in my head: What flaws?). If I focussed on your flaws, I might not be so sad when you left, and I’d be able to convince myself you were not the one for me. I did this a lot in our beginning, but you pushed past it, (If I remember correctly, your exact words were ‘don’t give me that shit’.), and I’m so glad you did.

Gus, it manifests in an inability to share fears and feelings. People like me avoid vulnerability at all costs (even at the cost of our marriage, apparently).

When I knew for sure that Jacqueline had feelings for you, it triggered all the symptoms. The thing is, I didn’t realize I’d been triggered. I believed what my brain was telling me, which was that you would leave me, so I pulled away first.

If I’d been able to tell you what I was thinking, I wonder if we might have avoided all the angst of the past year and a half, but it’s difficult for me to trust anyone with my feelings. If I expose myself, and you leave, where would I be?

I know the answer to that now. I’d be exactly where I am: without you.

I miss you, agapimeno. I’ve missed you every day.

The thing I want you to understand is that it was never about not loving you. I loved you all along. I love you still.

One last thing, agapi mou. I’ve often thought that love is a decision just as much, or maybe even more, than it’s a feeling.

So, too, maybe, is trust.

Amber.

xox

I lay back on the bed, my heart in pieces over what I’d done to her with Jacqueline. I’d never been one for self-flagellation, but I felt nothing but contempt for myself and, perhaps unfairly, despisal for Jacqueline.

The memory of her tongue in my mouth and my hand in her hair flashed in my mind and I pushed it away as I rolled to my feet.

I pulled off my clothes and changed into tracks and a tee before heading into my office. I sat down at my desk and pulled a piece of paper from the printer.

I didn’t deserve my wife. I didn’t deserve her love or her trust, but I planned to spend the rest of my life earning both.

Dear Amber…

Amber

Mallory laughed. “You can’t wear flip-flops with socks, Amber.”

I smacked my palm on the wall to catch myself, and it was a good thing I did, or the sound of her laugh would have floored me for sure. “Oh, believe me, the tripping has nothing to do with the socks.”

We got our drinks from the staff room and settled into my office. “I was talking to a therapist friend of mine-”

“About me?” she cut me off angrily.

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