Page 80 of Chosen Road

She shrugged. “For coming over the other day. You and Minty helped me sort my head out.”

“Oh,” I waved her off. “That’s okay, Ruby. I’m just glad you’re moving ahead.”

“Yeah,” she answered. “I realized a few things.”

What I wouldn’t give to be able to express myself like my sister did. “You want to share?”

Ruby led me to sit down and started talking “I figured if I asked for help that made me a burden, and people would want to get away from me. I was afraid of being rejected so I didn’t allow myself to ever be in that position. I never gave anybody a chance.”

I knew that part. It wasn’t so much that I felt like a burden, as I just didn’t trust anyone to pull through for me and wanted to avoid the rejection and disappointment. “You know where that comes from, right?”

She nodded, then continued. “Another thing I realized is that I coped with my restlessness by making plans for the distant future, things I’d have to work towards. This gave me hope for change and excitement, but because it was in the distant future, it didn’t trigger my anxiety. Franchising is a perfect example. The other thing I did was make substitutes for what I really wanted, because what I really wanted scared me. Again, franchising is the perfect example of a substitute. As soon as it was in my hand, I didn’t want it.”

“What did you really want?” I asked softly, curious, wondering if she wanted the same thing I’d always wanted.

“I want what Yiayia and Pappou had: a love, a family, a life intertwined. That scared me because it meant I had to accept the risk of trusting someone not to leave. Worse, I had to trust myself to be able to cope if it all fell apart. I couldn’t even admit what I really wanted until now.”

I reached across the table for her hand. “I’m so proud of you, Rubes,” I whispered fervently. “I’m so happy and just so damn proud.”

Her big, dark eyes filled. “You want to know where I’m going in an hour?”

“Where?”

“I went to see a few houses with Gus yesterday. I found one I liked. I’m going to surprise Vander with it.”

I squeezed her hand tightly, thankful in this case for my closed mouth. I didn’t think Ruby would take Gus’s infidelity well, and he deserved to have his family, our family, around him. If Ruby was facing her demons, I could learn to face mine. “Ruby, I’m so damn proud of you! I’m in awe of your strength.”

She flushed, looking pleased. “Thank you, Amber. I’ve always looked up to you. Your admiration means the world to me.”

“Ah, Ruby.” I waved her off. “You’ve always had it. You’ve always been so strong, even though I wished you’d ask for help, I always admired your strength.”

“Vander wants to partner with me with Spuds,” she blurted out.

This was a huge surprise. “Really? Are you going to do it?”

She nodded decisively. “I am. I haven’t told him, yet, but I am. He’s going to help me take it to the next level. You know he went to work with me for only two days, and I got past that block I had last week? You were right. You and Minty both. I’ll ask for help from now on when I get stuck.” She took a deep breath. “I want to move forward. I’m going back to therapy, too. I’m going to travel!”

She squealed, and I laughed. “I have no doubt, Rubes. No doubt at all.”

A few minutes later, I left her, but her words stayed with me.

A life intertwined.

That’s what I used to have with Gus, what I still had with Gus. It’s what I wanted with him, so why did I distance myself from him?

It had been more than a week since our backyard conversation. I ran back and forth continuously between the condo and the house, with Alex sleeping more and more often at home with Gus and Yiayia.

It was only a matter of time before I moved back in.

Not only could I not keep up this pace, but the magnetic pull between Gus’s heart and mine grew more powerful by the day. At this point, I was surer of him than I was of myself. I knew he would never stray again, but I needed to figure out why I pushed him away.

I loved my husband; I’d always loved my husband. For me to push him away like that, to shut down like that, there had to be something very wrong. There was little point in trying to pick up where we left off. We needed a new starting point.

I also needed to figure out how to move forward without Jacqueline.

Because while he may have left her behind, I had not.

Intrusive thoughts and images of them together still plagued me, and I worried about how I might be when we finally came together again.

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