Page 70 of Chosen Road

“Um, shortly after I started the job I have now?”

“Okay, can you tell me about your job.”

Not once throughout the meeting did she ask anything I was unable to answer. When the session drew to a close I released the breath I didn’t know I’d been holding.

She smiled. “I’ll make it as painless for you as possible. Remember that I’m only the facilitator. You’re in charge of the pace of our appointments, and you’re in charge of your own healing.”

I liked the sound of that. I hated feeling out of control. But in answer, I only nodded.

“I’d like you to pick up a journal or a notebook. If you’re not a writer, that’s okay, but I’d like it if you would try this exercise for one week. You never have to show me what you write, it’s only for you, but I’d like you to start paying attention to what you are feeling and identify, if possible, what is causing or triggering those feelings.”

“Okay,” I agreed.

“This will help build an awareness of what’s important to you, what you need, what you want, what your boundaries are. Many people who have a history like yours have issues with boundaries. This is for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s the people-pleasing aspect that overrides every other desire. Sometimes it’s the stress and anxiety of waiting for the other shoe to drop that shifts the focus from thrive to survive. Sometimes it’s simply wanting to avoid conflict.”

“That makes a lot of sense. I’m wondering how much of this I’ll be able to apply to my kids at work,” I pondered.

“I’ll help you adjust it for kids. Whatever brings you back,” she stated firmly, and I looked up in surprise at her candid answer.

“Why so surprised? You deserve healing, too.”

I’d already dabbled in my journal at home, I could do more of that. I could use my phone to jot down my feelings when I noticed them. It kind of felt like a puzzle, and puzzles always appealed to me. One thing I noticed even before this first meeting was this awful sense of being constantly on edge with my guard up.

It was the sudden, frequent crossing of paths with Gus that brought it to the forefront of my mind. It struck me as odd because it was not a feeling I normally associated with Gus. I thought back to before, when we were happy, and he had the opposite effect on me.

Thinking back, a memory of walking into his office to meet him for lunch about a year before he slept with Jacqueline floated to the surface of my mind. Things between us were already tense. By that time, I’d settled into my new job, but the work was piling up and I struggled to keep up. Walking in, Jacqueline didn’t see me, but I had a clear view of her, and her eyes were steady on my husband’s back, a mix of pain and yearning on her exquisite face.

Jacqueline was the type of woman who grew more beautiful with time and maturity. The fine lines around her mouth and at the corners of her eyes made what was once a blandly beautiful face more interesting and infinitely more attractive.

She was smart, too. Her people skills were on par with Gus’s. They would have made a stunning couple, a power couple.

While I never trusted her, I did acknowledge that she was good for his business.

Seeing the way she looked at my husband that day, it became quite clear that she was very, very bad for me.

When he first hired her I recognized her as the type who believed ‘all’s fair in love and war’. She would have no qualms taking what she wanted, no matter if he belonged to someone else.

I warned Gus then, but he convinced me that she wasn’t a problem. I quashed the gut feeling that told me he was wrong.

When I saw the way she looked at him that day, I warned him again. He again dismissed my concerns, reminding me that Jacqueline was a happily married woman with a child and had been with him for almost six years. My gut screamed at me that he was wrong. It was not so easy to quash it this time, but I wasn’t sure enough to push.

I think that was the beginning of my mistrust in him.

Was it his easy dismissal of my concern or her obvious yearning for him that triggered it?

Perhaps it was both.

I had time before having to get back to my office and I was worried about Ruby. She’d been cool to me, almost standoffish, which was unlike her. I decided to drop by Spuds. I could get myself lunch and check on my sister at the same time. Hopefully, whatever was bothering her, wasn’t bothering her anymore. Because I couldn’t stand it when she got quiet.

I found parking on the street a few doors down from Spuds. I walked past Minty’s place of business, but it didn’t look like she was in there. When I got to Spuds, the closed sign on the door stopped me in my tracks and my stomach lurched into my throat.

Where was Ruby?

Deep breath, Amber.

I dialed her number as I ran to my car.Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Putting the key into the ignition, I pulled out into traffic, earning the obnoxiously long blast of the horn behind me.

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