Page 67 of Chosen Road

For several moments she didn’t speak, then she draped her arm across Alex’s chest to lay her hand over my heart. Just before I fell asleep, I heard her whisper, “I miss you, too.”

I wonder if she could feel the thunderous beat of my heart beneath her palm.

Amber

Gus took Alex to school, and I went into the guest bath and breathed in the delicious scent of Gus’s shampoo and aftershave. Bittersweet nostalgia made me almost light-headed. I closed the door, then my eyes. I could almost imagine I was home. I leaned back against the wall, squeezed my eyes shut, and slowly slid to the floor.

A precious montage of everyday moments played out behind my closed lids.

Gus cuddling me awake, knowing how much I hated getting out of bed.

Gus whistling in the shower, the smell of his soap and shampoo billowing out with the steam and tickling my senses.

Tucking my head into the crook of his shoulder at night, my hand resting over the steady beat of his heart.

The rumble of his laughter, rolling up and reverberating through his big chest.

Watching him play with Alex, the expression of awe and wonder on his face often much the same as it was in the hospital the day Alex was born.

There was never a time I didn’t love him.

Even at the height of my irritation with him, it was never about him. It was the fact that we had so much, and my kids at work had so little.

They were hurting. Sometimes I felt like I was the only one standing in the breach between what they had and who they could be.

Did that make me sound like an egomaniac? Maybe.

Did I believe myself to be some kind of superwoman? No.

Was there anyone else ready and waiting to tag in? Most of the time, there was not. If I was not working to better their lives, no one was.

I could stop to spend time with Alex. I knew that he needed me.

But when I stopped for my own fun or relaxation, the guilt ate at me. Which meant I never stopped for Gus. I assumed he would make the sacrifice.

At first I thought it would only be for a few weeks until I got the lay of the land, but the more I accomplished, the more my director gave me. Soon I was putting in four hours or more every night, even more on the weekends. I was doing the job of two people.

I slowed down when I left Gus, I had to. Without Gus there to pick up the slack, I had to take a break to make dinner, help Alex with his homework, play games with him, listen to the stories from his day.

My director rolled with my change of pace, at first. Lately he’d been asking me when I expected to be back to my usual workload. I didn’t answer, wondering about the loads carried by my colleagues. Were they doing more than me? Was I not pulling my weight?

I pictured myself standing in the gap, but this time, instead of my work kids on one side and their futures on the other, it was Gus and Alex on one side and our future together on the other, and I was still the only one standing in the breach.

There was no one else to tag in and give Gus what he needed. Not wanted. Needed.

Until Jacqueline volunteered for the job.

“Angus, I…”

The words I wrote so clearly in my head faded like chalk drawings in the rain when I opened my mouth. I couldn’t even talk to him when he wasn’t here.

I opened my eyes, so lost in thoughts of Gus I was slightly disconcerted to find myself on the floor of my guest bathroom. I pulled myself up. I needed to head to the hospital before my appointments this afternoon.

By late afternoon, I returned to the hospital to wait for the doctor with Ruby.

She was unusually quiet. At first I put it down to worry over Yiayia, but she wouldn’t meet my eyes.

I knew I’d hurt her feelings yesterday, but I was surprised she was still upset. Being out of sorts with Ruby upset my mental equilibrium. She was unnaturally quiet, and I tried again to talk to her to no avail.

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