Page 50 of Hard Ride

Ollie remembered how he’d promised her he wouldn’t let go until she asked.He was grateful she was willing to do the same for him.He rubbed the pad of his thumb over her soft skin until the inevitable panic and sickness washed over him as he thought about his mother.

When he opened his eyes, he saw Van staring at the place where Kyra and Ollie were joined.Still, he didn’t glare or ask them not to touch for his benefit.If they could go out of their comfort zone for him, he would do the same for them.

“Either.”He figured it was easiest to spit it out.“My father had a heart attack when I was five, and a year later my mami…”

Nope, it still got stuck in his throat.The words nearly impossible to say after all this time.

“It’s okay, Ollie,” Kyra promised.“You don’t have to tell us if it’s too hard.”

He shook his head because…he actually wanted to explain.To remember his mami instead of acting like she’d never existed in order to save himself the pain of her memory.“She died in a fire.That I started.”

He didn’t clarify because it didn’t matter how it had happened.It had been his fault and instead of letting him pay the price for his foolishness, she’d done it instead.

It was fitting punishment that he be left alone when he’d stolen her life.The one person in the world who’d loved him and been there for him.

“Oh shit, Ollie.”Van leaned in, resting his elbows on his knees.“I’m sure it was an accident.”

“It wasn’t.”He didn’t even have that excuse.“I was stupid.Screwing around with candles in a Christmas decoration.One of those mobiles that turn when the heat rises.I was obsessed with the thing and would play with it constantly, even when my mom told me not to.My father had died so young and unexpectedly, he didn’t have life insurance or any savings.So Mami worked as much as she could, cleaning houses, and had to leave me alone for a couple hours here and there.I just, I loved that thing.It was so pretty and mesmerizing to watch the brass angels spin around like magic.And the fire…”

He shuddered again.

Kyra leaned toward him, rubbing his back as he said, “I can’t believe I used to like watching the flicker of the flames.Never again.”

Ollie swallowed compulsively to keep bile from rising up his throat.“I must have fallen asleep watching the mobile and knocked it onto the floor when I slipped out of my chair at the table.It landed too close to the Christmas tree, which my mom had gotten for free from one of her clients because it dried up and died before the holidays.By the time I woke, the whole thing was engulfed and the fire was licking the ceiling.”

“Oh fuck.”Van clutched his gut.

“I kept coughing and couldn’t think straight.I remember scrambling backward until my shoulders hit the wall.I huddled in the corner and if it wasn’t for Mami coming home right then, I would have been the one.”Ollie blinked furiously.“It should have been me.Except she broke through the line of firemen telling her she couldn’t enter the building and dropped me out the window to them right before the roof collapsed.There was nothing they could do.No hope to rescue her like she’d done for me.”

“Ollie…” Kyra made a strangled sound.“She did it because she loved you.I guarantee, if she had to pick between herself or her child, she would have chosen you to survive.And thrive.Even without her.”

“That only makes it worse, doesn’t it?”He’d told himself the same things in the dead of night when he woke from nightmares, sweaty and desperate to go back in time.

“It was a tragedy, Ollie.Same as the one that took my mother.”Van’s calm reassurance penetrated Ollie’s racing thoughts.“I’m not blaming your mami, she did what she had to, but you shouldn’t have been left unsupervised at that age.”

“Agreed.Regardless of what my parents believe, kids aren’t fully developed creatures inside miniature bodies.”Kyra squeezed his hand.“You couldn’t have been accountable for what happened when you weren’t even mature enough to be responsible for yourself.”

Ollie collapsed against the back of his folding chair as if blown over by a gale-force wind.

He’d never thought of it that way before.It didn’t immediately erase his guilty conscience, but it did settle the sickness rising inside him enough that he wasn’t in danger of losing his dinner after dredging up terrible memories.That was a first.

“Can I ask you one other thing?”Kyra said softly, so he knew it was going to be a doozy.

“Of course.”It was too late to hold anything back now.

“That present I found in the drawer, the one that looks like it’s been there for a while…” She knuckled moisture from her eyes.Was it from the cold or the smoke from the fire or was he upsetting her with his story?

“It has.The fire happened two weeks before Christmas.Mami had it wrapped and hidden in the glove compartment of her car.The caseworker went through the vehicle looking for any information on next of kin, though there wasn’t any since my mother had moved here from Mexico with my father.She gave it to me before I went into the system.”He knew what Kyra would ask next, so he gave her the only answer he knew for why he hadn’t opened the damn thing.“I guess it felt like if I kept it, she would always be there in some way.If I unwrapped it, then it would just be me.No more presents from my mami.Ever.Besides, I didn’t deserve a gift considering it’s my fault she never got to celebrate another holiday.”

“It’s not!”Kyra stood then and rushed to Ollie, flinging her arms around him.“Please stop saying that.Your mami wouldn’t want you to take that on yourself.”

Her tears streaked down his neck where she buried her face against his skin.

“Sometimes horrific things happen in life.It doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault.”Van approached too, putting one hand on Kyra’s back and the other on Ollie’s.

“I know that.And what you’ve said helps some.But I still can’t stop wishing it had been me and not her who suffered the consequences when I refused to listen to her warnings.”Ollie clutched Kyra then, afraid that if he let her go he might shatter.He’d never said those words out loud, but they’d been eating away at him for two decades.“She told me what could happen and I didn’t listen.I didn’t really understand until it was too late.”

“I’m so sorry,” Kyra murmured in his ear before kissing his cheeks over and over, rocking him until he could find the air to take a deep breath again.

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