Page 105 of The Light to My Darkness (The Light to My Darkness 1)

"What?" I lifted my head off his shoulder.

"You have a son, James."

A son. That was supposed to be exciting news. It was exactly what Penny wanted. I wanted to smile. I wanted to be happy. But the corners of my lips wouldn't rise.

Chapter 38

Monday

We used a different entrance to the hospital to avoid the waiting room full of people I couldn't face. I followed my dad through the maternity ward full of crying babies, until we stopped in front of a window.

I peered into the room. It wasn't like where Scarlett had been kept. She had been healthy, born a week after her due date. These were tiny babies hooked up to tubes and wires. They were all so small. One of them was mine. But I still couldn't feel anything. I looked up at the sign above the window. Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. These newborns were sick. They were dying, just like my wife. Twitch.

"There," my dad said and pointed to a baby in the corner. I stared at my son through the glass. There were tubes attached to him everywhere. Tubes to help him breathe. Tubes to help him hold on. He had my dark hair. And my nose. But I felt nothing. Nothing except for a familiar itch in the back of my head. A feeling of emptiness. A desire to do anything to escape from numbness.

My son needed me. But I didn't need him. I took a step back from the glass. All I needed was my wife. And she was dying. I could almost feel it. Like a part of my own heart was failing. The side of my face twitched.

"He looks a lot like you," my dad said.

I shook my head. None of this felt real. The tubes and wires were the only things keeping him alive. He was so small. He'd probably fit in my hand. He was too young to be born. It wasn't right. None of this was right. He needed to be in his mother's arms. Not shut off from the world. Like me.

"What did they say when they told you about the baby?" I asked.

"That he has to stay in the NICU for awhile. He has anemia and they've already done one blood transfusion. But his lungs are fairly strong so he doesn't need a ventilator. Just that little machine over his mouth. A CPAP I believe they said. They also mentioned that skin to skin contact is good for preemies, if you want to hold him."

Preemies. I still felt nothing. "Is he going to live?"

"The doctors seem optimistic."

I nodded and turned away from the window. "What did they say about Penny?"

"That she's still in surgery."

"That's it?"

"And that they had to do an emergency C-section. That's all they said. Come say hello to her parents. They could use a familiar face."

I nodded and walked away from the window without looking back at my son.

"Daddy!" Scarlett yelled as she scrambled out of Mrs. Taylor's lap.

I lifted her into my arms without really looking at her.

Mrs. Taylor's face was pinched, like she had been crying and willed herself to stop. I didn't know what to say to her. Or to Penny's dad, who had just stood up.

But I didn't have to say a word. He just gave me a nod, clapped me on the back, and sat back down next to his wife.

I couldn't sit here with them. I couldn't comfort them in any way. My daughter squirmed in my arms. It was like she could sense I didn't want her there. Like she felt like a dead weight. Like she no longer belonged in my arms. I needed to be out of the hospital. What I really needed was a drink. I tried to hide the twitch of my eye.

Someone clearing their throat made me turn my head. A doctor I didn't recognize had just walked through the swinging doors. He looked exhausted. Like it was his own life hanging in the balance.

I put Scarlett down, even though she started to cry. "Someone take her," I snapped as I walked over to him.

The doctor eyed me curiously. "James Hunter?" he asked.

"Is my wife okay?" The desperation in my tone didn't even make him flinch. He was the complete opposite of my lawyer. Composed. Used to delivering bad news to families.

He looked over my shoulder at the whole waiting room coming over toward us. "We had no choice but to put her on life support." His eyes met mine again.

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