Page 46 of Between the Flames

CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX

Ryder’s crude words reverberated through my mind as I worked, layering the ingredients of my lasagna into a Pyrex baking pan. Lasagna was about the only thing that I felt confident enough to cook for him; my cooking skills still severely lacked in every other recipe. The anticipation of tonight had me on edge. As I lifted my wineglass to my lips and took a healthy chug, I thought about everything that I planned to lay out on the table tonight. He could spend every day and night learning my body, bringing me food, and calling me his, but underneath the surface is a girl that I’m not always confident in, and he needed to meet her. I wanted to start at the beginning and dig deep — go back to high school, and rip back open the wound that I fought so hard over the years to close.

We needed to talk about that day in the woods, the stolen moments, and about what was said between the flames on the night of graduation. We weren’t kids anymore and if we were really going to give us a fighting chance, I couldn’t see a way to avoid having this conversation. I placed the glass back onto the counter, stem cradled between two fingers, and zoned out, overcome by my thoughts.

The sound of the oven startled me, sending my glass to shatter on the floor. I cursed as I crouched to pick up the broken glass; the universe working against me when I sliced my thumb on a jagged piece of glass. Blood instantly seeped from the cut, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was so overwhelmed by literally everything—my anxiety had been triggered to the point where I knew I just need to ride it out. Sliding down to a full seated position on the floor, I let the tears flow out of me as I sucked on the cut on my thumb. My eyes eventually fluttered closed, and I rested my head against the cabinet behind me.

Hearing the front door open, I rushed to wipe away the fallen tears from my cheeks.

“Elle? Hey, I’m here,” Ryder called, entering my home and closing the door behind him.

“I’m down here,” I said, forcing myself to sound upbeat. He stepped closer and immediately found me, rushing to my side while assessing the broken glass and spilled wine. His eyes followed the mess to the thumb I still had in my mouth. Plucking it from between my lips, he looked at it, kissing it softly.

“Are you okay? What happened?” He tugged me to my feet, pulling me flush with his body to wrap me in a hug.

“YOU happened, Ryder,” I exploded, pushing his chest as I backed away from him. I needed the distance, finding it hard to breathe. Part of me knew I was misdirecting my anger, that he just stepped into this situation. The weight of everything else wasn’t his fault, but I also didn’t care. The pain of the past lingered in my body, and it seemed as though I had reached my breaking point. A tear escaped, landing on the floor between us.

“You fucking hurt me. So bad. Ten years ago. You burned me and scarred me, and I’ve never fully recovered from that.”

He winced, his face contorting into pain and regret. “Elle… I,” he stumbled for the words, caught off guard.

I moved to turn, but he caught me by the wrist.

“I’m sorry, I… you didn’t deserve that, Ryder.”

He pressed his lips to mine, choking my next words as he moved me backward, hoisting me up and placing me onto the counter. He wrapped my hair in his fist, softly pulling my head back as he forced me to look in his eyes.

“I won’t apologize for the decisions I made when it comes to my family—when it comes to Jordan. Without taking that path and choosing him, I wouldn’t be the man I am now, standing here in front of you. I will not apologize for that. But I will apologize for how I handled shit with you.”

He leaned his forehead against mine, and I closed my eyes, choking back another set of tears.

“I didn’t know you at all then. I only knew my attraction to you, and I knew you were what I wanted, and what I felt for you bordered on obsession. When I made the decisions that I made, I was selfish and sought you out for closure for myself. I didn’t consider what my words were doing to you. I honestly thought you would just walk away and forget about me.” He caught a loose tear that had slipped down my cheek, wiping it away with a swipe of his thumb. “I thought I would forget about you, too.”

He kissed me again, softer this time.

“I never forgot about you,” he whispered. His voice was barely audible over the pounding of my heart.

I nodded my head, his words thick in the air as I thought about everything he had just said, and what he hadn’t said.

“I really am sorry I blew up on you just now. My anxiety has been coming and going in waves today. When I broke my glass and cut myself, I… well… everything crashed down around me.”

“You don’t ever need to explain yourself to me.”

“But I do. How I acted just now was a little unhinged.”

Lacing his fingers through mine, he lifted our hands to his lips and kissed my knuckles, his eyes never leaving mine. My stomach rumbled, ruining the moment.

“Crap. And I forgot to put the lasagna in the oven. Are you starving? It needs at least forty-five minutes. Should we order a pizza instead?” I was rambling and feeling guilty. “I’m so sorry.”

Saying nothing, Ryder glided through my kitchen, placing the lasagna in the oven and setting the timer. Once our food was cooking, he grabbed my hand, pulling me off the counter, and guided me to the couch. He pulled me into his lap as he sat down. I leaned my head against his shoulder as he began to play with the ends of my hair. I felt my anxiety wane as I focused on the rise and fall of his chest. We sat quietly for a long time, neither of us making any motion to break the silence, until finally I decided it was time to ask a few lingering questions.

“Why were you in the woods that day?” I murmured against his collarbone. He stilled, the weight of his hand weaved through my hair, suddenly gone as he dropped his hand to the couch cushion.

“I followed you.”

“Why?”

“Because I was consumed by you. I saw you leave campus, and I needed to know where you were going.”

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