“I told her what I wanted her to do. She unsurprisingly refused and told me she couldn’t stay because I kept hurting her.”

“And what exactly is this grand plan of yours?”

I looked away. Saying it out loud the first time made me realise how insane it sounded. Now I just felt ashamed. Telling Tina would only make it fucking worse.

“If she can get close to Frazier through Tristan, then I can get the evidence I need to take him down too.”

“What exactly did you tell her she had to do?”

“Get engaged to him.”

Tina stood up, leant over the table and cuffed me around the ear. I looked up at her, rubbing the side of my head.

“What was that for?”

She sat back down.

“You really don’t understand women at all. How do you think that made her feel? Hmm? Do you think she wanted to hear you tell her to get engaged to another man?”

“Well no.”

“Honestly, I really thought I taught you better than this.”

She took a sip of her tea, looking up at the ceiling. I fiddled with my glass. She probably had taught me better, but I was fucked up and sick in the head. I’d never really spent this much time with a girl before. Never knew what it was like to want someone in the way I wanted Avery. So instead, I’d pushed her away.

“She said she loves me.”

“And you didn’t tell her you feel the same way?”

“She left before I could and when she said it again, she hung up on me. What was I supposed to do? I don’t want to tell her when she’s upset with me. She might think I’m just saying it to get her to come back.”

She didn’t respond for the longest time. I didn’t know how to fix any of it. I no longer wanted Avery to go through with my stupid fucking plan. I just wanted her back. To hear her voice. I missed her scent. Coconut with a hint of vanilla. It wasn’t even about how fucking amazing it felt when I was inside her. I missed her. Her presence in the flat.

“Did you sleep last night?”

“No.”

“Aiden…”

“You know it’s impossible. I really fucked up, Tina. All this time, having her with me made it all stop. And now, I don’t know what will happen if I try to close my eyes.”

Tina’s expression betrayed her concern.

“You need to sleep. I don’t want you getting into tro—”

“Don’t bring that up. It’s different now. I’ll deal with it.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Will you? Or are you going to bury everything deep down like you always do?”

I really wished Tina had never seen me grow up sometimes. She saw me too clearly. She knew what I suffered with. How the nightmares drove me fucking crazy. The violent outbursts I’d had when I was younger because I couldn’t deal with any of it. She didn’t make excuses for my behaviour, just tried to help me. I’d rejected that help when I was a teenager. By the time I joined the army at eighteen, I was close to fucking breaking point. It was only the discipline I learnt in the forces that kept me from completely losing my mind. Discipline and control kept me focused.

“Aiden, she gave you peace, didn’t she? I dare say she made you happy. Do you still want her marrying someone else?”

“No, I would’ve never let it get that far.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know how to fix me and her.”

“Perhaps you might want to try a gesture that tells her you’re serious about the two of you.”