Page 1 of Just Breathe

Jane

Ilooked up from my suitcase to see my second oldest brother laying on my bed looking at me, concerned. “Don’t you think this is too soon?” I shrugged, because at this point nothing was making sense and I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I continued to pack my bag with enough clothes to last me at least a week or two.

“Jane.” I didn’t dare look up at him, knowing I would find nothing but pity in his expression. I was tiring of that look and the constant fear in people's eyes, like I was about to breakdown and lose my mind.

“Look, I know I don’t know what you’re going through. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, but I think this is a bad idea. Running away will solve nothing.”

I clenched my jaw in anger knowing he was trying to come from a good place, but it still made me mad he thought he knew what I needed. I just lost my husband and child. Who the hell knows what they need after that happens?

“Paul, staying here will solve nothing, either,” I snapped at him. “Who honestly knows how to grieve correctly? Because I would love to talk to that person and get tips and tricks, to help this hurt that still feels fresh eight months later.”

The feeling of being on the cusp of insanity overwhelmed me. I was exhausted from all the crying, and I’m surprised I didn’t suffer from dehydration with all the alcohol I’d been drinking.

Paul took a deep breath like he was frustrated, but I couldn’t give two shits because I’ve told everyone to just leave me alone. All this hovering was giving me anxiety, and I hated trying to seem put together in front of everyone.

Someone knocked on my bedroom door and came in before Paul or I said anything. My gorgeous sister-in-law Madelyn could I still call her that? Walked in, looking stunning in a body con dress that showed off her growing baby bump. I fought the ugly jealousy that ripped through me at her pregnancy, hating that I was even being like this. It felt so irrational, but I couldn’t help it.

“Are you almost packed?” She walked through like the tension in the room wasn’t stifling, making me appreciate her even more.

“Almost.” I took a deep breath, trying to cleanse my mind of all the ugliness I was feeling at the moment. I was becoming bitter, and I hated it. I almost sympathized with my grandmother, but I think she just hated the world and that was her excuse to be a horrible human being.

“Don’t forget to pack your hiking boots and some sweaters. You know the mountains get cool in the evenings.” She went into my closet and started pulling some more clothes.

“You honestly think this is a good idea?” Paul got up from the bed and went into the closet with Madie.

“It doesn’t matter what I think,” she replied. “We don’t know what she’s going through and if this helps her, then I am all for it.”

I fucking love that woman. She’s been anything and everything that I could have possibly needed these last eight months, even as she is mourning as well. She’s also not afraid to go against my brother or even my mother. I needed to buy her something to show my appreciation for putting up with me, helping me keep what little sanity I had left.

“I’m just thinking….”

I rolled my eyes, not even bothering to listen to my brother. I left the room to get my hiking boots and a pair of sneakers. I opened our coat closet, steeling myself against the fresh wave of grief I knew would roil into me at the sight of his things, the jackets and shoes that I did not know what to do with. It felt wrong to give them away, or even sell them, but it also felt wrong to keep them here with me. I ran my hand along his favorite jacket, feeling chills at the vivid memories. Leaning in there was still the faint scent of his cologne.

Olive Juice

The memory of his voice never faded. It was a blessing some days but haunted me on other days. I quickly picked up my shoes and ran back to my room to finish packing.

“I just don’t want her to make a mistake she isn’t willing to live with.”

My brother’s dramatics were getting old, plus what the hell did he think I was going to do? You’d think I was planning to backpack across Europe as a prostitute. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’m sure it’s a dangerous business and not something I’d be willing to try.

“I’m going to Colorado for two weeks, Paul. The town has like five thousand people in it. They don’t even have strip clubs and there are literally two bars in the area. I doubt I will make a mistake that I will regret. Now if all you’re going to do is be negative, then please leave.” I stared straight at him, so he knew I was serious.

“I just don’t think you’re well enough to be left alone,” he snapped at me. Finally, putting his cards on the table. “You need to be watched at all times.”

“Jesus Christ, Paul! I was sixteen when I attempted suicide and I received help with counseling for years,” I fumed.

“Well, they say relapses can happen with life altering events. So, excuse me, if I’m not convinced, that you won’t do something completely stupid and selfish.” His anger was palpable but completely unwarranted.

“I’ve been seeing Nancy twice a week to help me cope. Not once have I thought taking my life would solve my problems. I was immature back then, only thinking about myself. Plus, I was sixteen. It’s been twelve years, and sometimes it feels like any chance you get you bring it up and rub it in my face that I ruined your high school years.” My anger brought tears to my eyes.

“Jane is a big girl. We have to put our faith in her and maybe we compromise with more text and calls to make sure she’s ok.” Madelyn tried to diffuse the situation.

“Well, excuse me, I’m just trying to make sure she doesn’t kill herself, especially since I’m getting married in three and a half weeks.” He threw his hands up in exasperation like I was the worst person in the world, and that I was going to ruin his wedding. He walked out of the room and slammed the door to the condo.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I knew that’s why everyone was hovering. Even though no one had outright said it like Paul had. I made a mistake as a teenager, only to keep paying for it twelve years later.

“He’s such an ass,” Madelyn growled as she reorganized my suitcase. “The balls on that man are astounding, and I swear if he keeps this shit up, I’m going to ruin his fucking wedding.”

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