Page 2 of Just Breathe

I smiled at her mama bear's instinct. She always treated me and my husband Henry like we were her children. She mothered us, and at first I hated it, but now I found it more comforting than being with my mother.

“I hope you go into labor and deliver your baby on the dance floor.” I chuckled, picking up a charger with my laptop and phone, putting them in my carry-on bag.

“I will make sure I do everything I can that day before we go to the ceremony to make sure that happens.” She laughed. “I’ve never met someone so selfish and whiney.”

“You know, he blames me for ruining his talk with our mother and father about him being gay. The night I attempted suicide, was the night he was going to tell them, and he once told me when he was drunk, that I made him wait in the closet for longer than he wanted.” I rolled my eyes at his dramatics. I guess some things never change.

“Well, he can go fuck himself. If you can’t see your baby sister in need of help, then you’re hopeless and a self-centered prick.” She took a breath like she was going to keep going.

“How are you feeling?” I asked, needing to change the subject.

“Like a whale, but also really loving my belly. I’m also nervous Cyrus and Jeanie are going to hate the baby.” She zipped up my suitcase and bit her lip whilst looking at me. I knew she always felt nervous when she talked about the baby with me, but I kept telling her she shouldn’t. My tragedies shouldn’t affect her happiness.

I finished packing my carry on and went to hug her. “Don’t feel bad about it. Life is a beautiful thing and why wouldn’t I be happy for you? I’m sure Cy and Jeanie will be wonderful with this baby. You know they adore babies.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Come on, we better get going before we get stuck in traffic.”

“I still feel guilty, and if I was in your shoes, I know seeing someone else pregnant would kill me.” I shrugged as I grabbed my stuff. It was killing me, but she didn’t have to know that. It wasn’t her burden to carry and there was no way in hell I was going to make her feel like shit when she was creating life.

“Life goes on whether I’m happy or not, and how can I not be happy for you? You guys practically sold your souls for this baby with all the money you had to spend for IVF. I can’t wait to hold that butterball in my arms.” I walked out of the room for the first time, feeling like I wasn’t going to die at the thought of holding another baby.

* * *

We arrived at the airport with more than enough time for me to check in my bags and have a drink before take-off.

“Promise you’ll call me all the time. I’ll be worrying if you don’t, and we don’t need me going into labor before your brother’s wedding because you’re ghosting me.” She gave me a hug in front of the drop off point.

“You better believe I’m going to call, just to ensure you might go into labor on his wedding day.” I laughed because, for once, I was truly looking forward to something.

“I called the builders and let them know you would stop by. Don’t be weird and hang out there all the time. I’m sure they have more than enough problems without you breathing down their necks.” She kissed my cheek. “Don’t forget to let yourself heal a little without all the constant attention. You need this for you.”

I could never fool Madelyn. She knew I needed this trip just to get away from everyone, to reset, to find myself or just to be alone for once.

“Also, don’t work too much. I know you said you found a hospital close, but please don’t forfeit healing for working,” she scolded me.

“Thanks, Madie. You always know what I need even before I do, and I won’t work too much.” I kissed her cheek and walked away before our conversation could get anymore deep.

I walked up to the counter to check in my bags, grabbed my boarding pass and headed to the dreadful TSA. Since Mountain View didn’t have an airport, I was flying into Monroe and renting a car from there. Thankfully, Henry insisted on TSA pre-check and global entry, so it made this as painless as possible. I was going to miss the small things he worried about because he always made my life easier.

“Boarding pass Mrs. Ramos.” The TSA agent brought me out of my thoughts with basically a bullet to the heart. I was no longer a Mrs.

“Sorry, long morning.” I excused myself quickly after he checked my boarding pass and loaded up my stuff to the conveyer belt, going through TSA in a breeze.

I walked upstairs to a bar and get a drink to ease my anxiety. A glass of champagne always made me feel better and I couldn’t help but order another one. We boarded the flight in a timely manner, and I was lucky enough to get a seat towards the front of the plane.

The flight was uneventful. You could even call it boring, and I usually loved flying. Was this how I was going to look at life? Everything was going to be boring, uneventful, and mundane? God, I’m so sad. I felt like my world was just crumbling around me. How many therapists have told me I need to look on the bright side? What the hell is the bright side when you lose your husband and child at the same time? Thank God I found Nancy. She always made me feel safe in her care and because of that, I trust her so much.

The plane landed smoothly. Colorado, of course, looked gorgeous and there’s nothing better than some mountains and fresh air. This was exactly where I needed to be, feeling some tension leave my shoulders.

I’ve never understood why people stand up when it’s not even their turn to exit the plane. Henry and I used to joke all the time that America was in a rush all the time. Everyone always had to be at the door first or get the first look, the first bite. It’s exhausting. I stayed seated until it was my turn and reached for my carry-on from the overhead bin.

Grabbing my carry-on, I slowly made my way up the plane, glancing through the windows and enjoying the beautiful mountains. I was so excited to enjoy fresh air and the outdoors without it being a hundred plus degrees, like it was in Dallas.

After picking up my bags from baggage claim, I then walked over to the car rental place. I’ve never actually rented a car by myself, never needed to know how to do everything. I depended on Henry for a lot of things, taking for granted that he would always be with me. It was time-consuming, but I rented a car all by myself.

The drive up to Mountain View was gorgeous in July. The summer in Colorado was the best time for hiking and anything outdoorsy. A major reason why Henry and I fell in love with this place. I thought it would hurt coming back here, but it’s quite the opposite. My mental health needed some peace to get my thoughts in order. Breathe for a moment without the constant scrutiny and questions. I think what people don’t tell you during the grieving process is that it feels like you’re constantly drowning, you have to keep coming up for air, and it’s exhausting.

On my way to the condo I rented, I decided to make a quick stop at our property, just to look at it. It was six thirty in the evening, so no one should be there, hopefully. Driving down into the valley just felt so right. The house finally came into view, and it was a lot farther along than I realized.

Black pane windows were in, and the black steel roof against the pine siding of the house looked amazing. Some windows were missing, and the roof looked half done, but it looked so good. I parked the car in front of the house and got out to stretch my legs. I took a deep breath of that fresh mountain air, closing my eyes and feeling like for once in the past eight months, I wasn’t drowning.

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