Page 105 of For You & No One Else (Say Everything 3)

Twenty-Seven

“You think she’s going to be okay?”

Eliza looked over at Beckham, a shaft of light from the streetlamp putting his face half in darkness. He’d driven her back to his place from the hospital so she could pick up her car, but neither had wanted to go home yet. They’d decided to take a walk and had found themselves strolling the path along the Mississippi River. “I think it’s a good sign that Jess checked herself in willingly.”

Beckham looked out at the black water of the river, his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his jacket and his blond hair dancing in the breeze coming off the water. “That was because of you. The way you talked with her…” He peered over at her. “You’re really good at what you do.”

“Thanks.” She gave him a little smile and tucked a hair that had escaped her ponytail behind her ear. “Guess those student loans were worth it.”

“It’s more than therapy skills,” he said. “You’re kind of magical, Eli. You make people want to open up to you because…people sense that you’ll accept them just as they are.”

The words warmed her. “I do accept them. If you don’t meet someone where they’re at, you’ll never really meet them.” She kept her gaze forward, the lights on the Crescent City Connection bridge sparkling in the distance. “They’ll just give you the front they give everyone else. I wasn’t going to change Jess’s mind about her beliefs tonight. But I could tell she was scared and feeling alone, that she didn’t feel safe. I could give her options to help with that.”

He made a sound in the back of his throat. “That’s what you did with me, too, isn’t it?”

She glanced over at him, the sharpness in his tone catching her off guard. “What?”

“Accepted me where I was at.” He was only giving her his profile, his jaw muscle flexing, his hands still stuffed in his pockets. “Spending time with me despite all my fucking hang-ups and stupid philosophies. You must have a really high tolerance for bullshit.”

She frowned, halting her step, and put her hand on his arm. “Hey, what are you talking about?”

He stopped and turned, his shoulders hunched against the wind. “When you were talking with Jess tonight…I had the thought,God, how horrible for Jess that her whole life is defined by my dad’s screwed-up beliefs. That she has to be deprogrammed like some virus-ridden computer. I’m so glad I got out when I did. Wow, ain’t I smart?” He scoffed. “And then I looked at you and thought about what had happened between us and it hit me. I’ve got the same damn computer virus. It’s just a reverse image of hers. My father is just as in control of me as he ever was.”

Eliza crossed her arms, the wind becoming more biting, but she didn’t want to distract Beckham from whatever he needed to get off his chest. “What do you mean?”

“My brilliant life plan to give a big fuck-you to my dad was to do the opposite of what he’d want me to do,” he said, bitterness edging his words. “He wanted me to wait for sex until I was married, so I slept with my girlfriend before she was really ready and screwed up her life. He forbade alcohol, so I became an addict. He wanted me to be on a TV show, so I went off the grid. He thought tattoos were defacing what God gave you, so I inked up as soon as I could. He wanted me to follow every rule, so I became a hacker.”

The self-disgust in Beckham’s voice was breaking her heart a little. “Rebellion is a natural reaction to all that restriction.”

“Every decision I’ve made has had a piece of him in it, and I hate that.” He shook his head. “I’m…screwing everything up.”

“You’re not screwing everything up, Beck. Don’t think—”

“I am.” He met her gaze, sadness there. “Look what I did to you. Instead ofaskingyou about the book when I found those pages, I jumped straight to nuclear bomb mode. I broke into your computer—me, the privacy guy—broke all my rules and violated your trust. I turned you into the enemy when it was really him I was mad at. I couldn’t just…let myself be happy. I had to blow it up. How fucked up is that?”

“Beck—”

“And he wins anyway,” he scoffed. “He wanted me to be a husband and a father, and I was so, so determined not to give him the satisfaction that when someone amazing walked into my life, I did everything I could to push her away and let her down.”

Eliza’s therapeutic response died on her lips and her throat tightened.

“So yeah,” he said, voice softening. “I’m screwing everything up. I lost the woman I’m in love with because I didn’t know what to do with that kind of happiness when it finally came my way. I couldn’t even recognize how beautiful and precious it was. How beautiful and preciousyouare. I’m so, so sorry, Eli.”

Her breath and her ability to form coherent thoughts left her. “You’re…in love with me?”

A tentative smile touched his lips. “Don’t tell Trent.”

A choked laugh escaped her, but she still couldn’t process everything he’d said. She found herself reaching her hands out to him, the need to touch him in some way necessary in that moment.

Beckham stepped closer and took her cold hands, lacing his warm fingers with hers. “I’m messed up, Eli. I realized tonight that I’ve…got work to do. I probably could use some of the same therapy Jess needs. I don’t know where the real me is between who I was raised to be and who I’ve become in response to it. But I don’t want you to accept me as I am. I don’t want you to let me get away with it anymore. I want to be the kind of guy you could fall in love with for real. I want to be better. For you.Withyou.” He looked down at their joined hands. “If you’ll give me another chance when I’m done.”

The bridge lights wavered in her vision, her eyes filling with tears. She squeezed his hands and touched her forehead to his, trying to find her voice. “I’m sorry, Beck. I can’t do that.”

He sucked in a breath and lifted his head. His hands tried to break away from hers and she could see his expression closing off.

But she held on and smiled at him. “I’m not waiting for all that. Because Ialreadylove you. Right here. Now. How you are this minute. I never stopped. I’ll love you before therapy and after therapy.” As the words came out, her chest filled up with the rightness of them, of how good it felt to speak the truth. “We’re in this together. And you can’t change my mind on that. Don’t even try. I’m really hardheaded.”

A startled look crossed his face. “Wait. Youstill love me? Even after what I did?”

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