Page 126 of Inevitable Destruction

DOMINIK

Month Four

I was supposed to get out a few days ago, but I decided to stay. Essa came, for the first time since I locked myself away in here (figuratively speaking since this place is more like a retreat—in a good way). It was good to see her, to be reminded of life on the outside, but I told her not to come back until I was ready to leave.

She was upset, but ultimately understood, which is exactly what I needed.

I need to fix myself on my own. One of my biggest triggers, I’ve come to realize with Janice, is I fear being alone, unwanted. So I chose to put myself in a situation where I felt abandoned, so I could work to separate those feelings into the ones coming from a true place and ones stemming from trauma, pain, and need.

I’ve also relaxed some, healed even more.

I can feel myself slowly coming back, but I wasn’t ready to face the destruction I left behind. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready, but at least this way, I’m trying.

Circling back to Everett—not that he ever really leaves my mind. I asked Essa about him. She seemed reluctant to tell me anything, claiming she didn’t want to hinder my healing, but she eventually told me he was fine.

Fine.

That’s all I got, and I don’t know how to take it. Is that good? Bad? Does he miss me, regret me?

I regret not telling him I was leaving, that I left without a goodbye, but it didn’t seem significant enough. It didn’t fucking fit us and what we had become, so I just couldn’t do it. We deserved better than goodbye…

These thoughts are toxic, but that’s the thing about toxic love. Once you hit that level of desperate, carnal impossibility, there’s no coming back from that. That’s all you, your love, will ever be.

Sick. Toxic. Destructive. And so. Fucking. Good.

His dominance over my body, the way he controls me…

I can’t think about that anymore, and it kills me a little more every day. Every piece I secure is another he gains, whether he knows it or not.

Four months without him and four months without being high.

I think I miss him more, but it still depends on the day.

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