Page 127 of Inevitable Destruction

DOMINIK

Month Five

Janice and I decided this will be my last month here.

She thinks I’m ready.

I do, too. Sometimes. Other times, which is most days, my anxiety comes back with brute force, debilitating me and making it hard to even get out of bed. But I manage—just like Janice said I would.

Today’s a good day, and I feel ready. I still don’t know what I’m going to say to Everett once I see him—if I even see him—but I think I’ll have to figure it out later.

I’ve written dozens of letters, each one filled with copious amounts of word vomit, but nothing suffices. It all feels insignificant in the grand scheme of things, so I tossed every single one.

I finally called Essa today and told her the news. I could hear her tears through the line and felt some of my own spill down my cheeks. It was freeing, finally experiencing something like this with her. I couldn’t do it without her, and the irony is not lost on me.

She told me I had a room at their house if I needed some place to go, but I declined. I have to get back out there on my own two feet. By myself.

I’m petrified of the temptations, but I’ve found other things to fill my time and to help curb the cravings.

I work out every day, sometimes for hours when I’m jonesing a little too hard, and over the months, I’ve gained the weight back that I’ve lost and replaced it with healthy muscle.

Feeling the burn in my limbs with every set feeds the pit of insanity which craves for more. I never feel fully satisfied, but I’m content.

Content is good after being astray for so long.

It’s also raining today. Storming actually, and the lightning zapping across the sky brings back memories of my lowest times.

I think I need something to immortalize the chaos I endured, something to help remind me to never go back there, to love myself the way I know he loved me.

---