Page 37 of Since Always

We fall silent for a moment, but she is still staring at me.

"Are you hung up on someone?" she says, and it's like a bomb has gone off.

I didn't think I was so obvious.

"What?"

She holds her hand up to stop me protesting. "I get it. I haven't looked at anyone the whole time I've been here. I have a girl at home I've been like casually hooking up with—well, that's what it is supposed to be. That's what it is to her, anyway."

"Oh no. I'm sorry. Have you told her you want more?"

"No. I feel like if I say it out loud, it's going to screw everything up, and I don't want to lose what we have. Even if what we have isn't enough for me. I keep thinking one day she is going to come to me and be like, you know what? I just realized how stupid I am. I love you, Lexi."

I laugh. "Well, if she doesn't, she is stupid. Have you seen you?"

"Right? I agree. So, tell me. Who is yours?"

"How do you know there is one? Maybe it's just I don't want to have random, meaningless sex."

"Okay. That's fair. Is it?"

I consider lying. I should lie. But I need to talk about it, and I trust her.

"Owen."

"Owe—You mean Senator Blaze?”

I nod, and then let my face fall into my hands.

"Oh, Cass. You've had a crush on him since we were like thirteen. That hasn't gone away?"

"Nope. It's just matured. Because it turns out I get dumber with age."

"Well, I don't know about dumb. He's fucking gorgeous and a Congressman and—wasn't he one of the most eligible bachelors last year?"

I nod again.

"At least you are in good company? Does he know? I mean, you guys are so close."

"He knows," I say, and then take a deep breath, and tell her all of it. The night with Ryan, the next morning, the past two years, and what this past week has been like. I don't plan on telling her as much as I do but, once I start, I can't stop.

She hangs on my every word as I speak. Her eyes get wide when I get to the part about that morning and her hand flies to her mouth as I recount our conversation from earlier today.

I fall back in my chair when I'm done, feeling a little like I have lifted an elephant off my chest.

"No one knows that except my best friend. It feels good to say it. But also, you cannot say anything to anyone."

"Of course, I wouldn't. I'm glad you told me. Do you want my opinion?"

"Is it that I'm stupid?"

"No. It's that I think you guys are putting the cart before the horse. I mean, Owen's concerns are valid. Extremely valid. I don't think the age thing is a big deal, but I'm me and, you know, cool. Not everyone will be as cool. And your mom and brother might lose their shit, and I know with his job he has to be careful—"

"So, you think he's right to just want to be friends?"

"No, I don't. Because, all of that, like everything else, can be dealt with. You guys haven't even given it a shot. You don't even know what you are. If you get to a point where you need to deal with it, then you can. It'll be hard but, if it's what both of you want, isn't it worth it?"

"But there's hard, and then there's 'lose your family and your job' hard."

---