Page 38 of Since Always

"First of all, you will never lose your family. Are you kidding me? I know your family. I get it, I really do. I was terrified to tell my parents I was bi because I was sure they would completely disown me."

"Was it hard? When you told them? How did they take it?"

"Yeah, it was hard. They took it fine in the moment, you know, 'we love you no matter what' and yada-yada. Which, by the way, kinda makes a person feel like there's something wrong with them—but I knew what they meant. But I think it's still complicated for them. They don't fully get it. I think in their heads, because I'm not just gay, I can choose. You know? Like I wake up in the morning and think, which gender do I want to be into today? When I started seeing Sam, and I told my parents about her, I think my mom felt disappointed because in her head if I like men and women I should just...I don't know..."

"Choose to be with a guy," I finish, for her.

"Yeah. I mean, she hasn't said that, but, yeah, I think that's kinda how she feels."

"I'm sorry, Lexi."

"It's okay. I'm working on making them understand that's not how it...That it's just about who Samantha is as a person."

"Yeah."

"And the point is, they don't really get it and I'm not 100% sure they don't wish things were different—even though they haven't come right out and said that—but they still love me. And they didn't abandon me. It was hard, and sometimes it's still hard, but we are okay. I think you would be okay too."

"Well, I mean it's different, isn't it? You were telling your parents who you are. It's not a choice you made. This is a choice."

She purses her lips. "Is it? If you love someone?"

I sigh. "I honestly am not sure I know anymore. And, for the record, I don't think Mom and Chris would like, disown me or anything, but I do really believe it would hurt their relationship with Owen. I can't imagine Chris and Owen's friendship weathering that, and I don't want to be the reason they lose it. I just don't know how it would work."

"Well, that's my point. You don't know. You don't know what would happen, because you guys haven't even tried. Maybe it wouldn't even get there. Maybe you guys would try and realize you were better off as friends. But as long as this is hanging out there, I don't see how you could possibly have a normal relationship."

I don't know what to say to that, so I sit in silence for a few moments.

I let out a long sigh. "Fuck."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. But I need to talk to him. I feel like we were finally being honest today, and we got interrupted; it seems unfinished."

She nods. "Let's go."

"Now?"

"Why wait? It's the end of one year, and the start of another. Time to put it all out there, Cassidy Sloane."

The party is going even stronger when we emerge from the room. I glance at my phone to check the time. We have about 45 minutes until midnight. We run into some more friends and I leave Lexi with them as I leave to look for him, slipping past anyone who tries to stop me.

"Oh, hi. Just looking for someone, I'll find you in a bit," I repeat over, and over, as I make my way through the house.

My mom is mingling with some people I've never met; I make a wide berth, so she doesn't spot me and try to make introductions. I see Chris and Stephanie on a couch in a somewhat secluded corner, making out like teenagers. I roll my eyes, but at least I know I won't have to pull Owen from him. I make my way into our second living room downstairs, which is packed with a lot of the younger crowd. They are jumping up and down to a Lizzo song blasting from the stereo system.

Then I see him.

He is standing on the edge of the room, leaning into a tall, wispy brunette. She is holding a champagne flute and gazing at him while he speaks, laughing a little too enthusiastically at his words.

I freeze, watching them together. If he wants to talk to her—to be with her—I won't stop that. I won't be that girl. But I also can't pull myself away. I just stare. He is comfortable with her already, it seems; I can tell by his expression. Sometimes, Owen is like a book I've read many times. I know the lines; know the spaces in between them. I know when I see him on TV, and he is giving an interview in the same tone of voice he gets with constituents. I know that voice differs slightly from the one he uses with people in his social circle. And then there is this Owen. Owen that is happy.

This is my favorite Owen. And it hurts—physically pains me in my chest—that he is being this Owen with someone else. I have no right to feel that way. But that's never stopped me before.

When he pulls his gaze from her and glances around the room, he spots me. Everything inside me is screaming to play it cool. To smile casually and then move on through the room. But I can't. I hold his stare, knowing my face is betraying the intense jealousy I am experiencing.

Someone says my name and I turn to find a guy who went to a rival high school to mine, making a beeline towards me. I can't deal with trying to have a normal conversation right now, so I do the absolutely most embarrassing thing I can do—I flee.

I push through bodies to get out of the room and head straight across the house, to the deserted hallway Owen and I share. In seconds, I am in my room and the moment the door is closed; I burst into tears. Gasping for air, I know I need to pull it together so I can make my way back downstairs in a few moments, but I can't stop. I can't spend another night watching him with someone else. Can't pretend I'm okay. I don't want to go back up there and plaster on a smile and hook up with Drew. I don't want Drew at all.

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