Page 80 of Without a Doubt

I spin around to see Eva standing in the doorway. Her face is pale and guilt is already coming at me full force. I'm tired of feeling. It's all I've done today and now, I've upset Eva, the very last person I want to upset. I want to scream or punch something, but all my anger drains away when Eva closes the door and walks down the hallway.

Shit.

“Are you sure you want her staying the night?” Glen asks, bringing my attention back to him.

A heavy sigh deflates my chest. “Yeah. I need her,” I answer quietly, my eyes looking down the empty hallway.

“Do you really love her?” When I nod, he says, “Then keep that in mind while you're going through this.” He stands. “I'm going to go.” He pats me on the shoulder before he leaves.

I lock the door behind him. Eva is already in bed, her eyes closed when I enter. It's still a bit early, maybe half past eight. Regardless, I change and get ready for bed as well. I crawl in next to her, wanting to pull her against me, but I hold back. All I can smell is her perfume. If I were standing, it would knock me to my knees.

Staring at the ceiling, I listen to the pattern of her breathing to see if she's really asleep or not. Usually, it's slow and measured. Right now, it's a bit too slow and measured as if she's trying to control it.

“I'm sorry,” I say.

Five pounding heartbeats later, “It's okay.”

“No, it's not,” I begin.

“Emerson, it's okay,” she repeats with more force before gentling her tone. “You don't need to take care of me right now. I'm fine.”

“Are you sure?” What I said had to affect her. I know Eva well enough to know it did. I'm not sure how much she heard, but I know she definitely heard my last two sentences.

She closes the distance between us, cuddling into my side. “I'm sure.”

“Good because I'm not fine,” I admit.

“I know.”

“I'm glad you're here, Eva.” I wasn't lying to Glen. I need her. Without her, I would be utterly lost. As it is, I'm clinging on to threads, threads Eva's holding.

“Don't forget it.”

I still can't believe what Kelly did. Emotions all across the board are roaring within me, battling for dominance. Any time I feel rage, I do like Eva said and try to remember why she did it. She wanted me to be happy.

“Would you have done the same thing?” I ask.

Eva seems to take too long to think about it. “No,” she finally says. “I'm too selfish and needy. I would want you there and I don't think I could do it without you. But that doesn't mean she was completely wrong. Her intentions were good.” Before I can speak, she does again. “I'm sorry she took that time from you. I'm sorry I'm selfish enough to be happy she made that decision. I'm sorry the only reason you're falling in love with me is because of that decision.” Eva groans. “I'm sorry I never know when to shut up. I don't know how to help, and I want to help you, Emerson.”

I hold her tighter to me. My energy is running out by the second and I only have enough strength to do so. Exhaustion is holding my body down. My head feels so full and heavy, I don't know how I'm still awake. Various emotions are still rolling over me. I'm feeling too much all at once, but I definitely know guilt is prominent.

“Don't go anywhere,” I tell her softly. Things would be three times as bad if she wasn't here with me. I would be drowning instead of wading in water, occasionally getting so tired I go under before pulling myself back above the surface.

“I won't,” she promises.

For the first time since this morning, I relax. Eva lips are warm as she presses them against my chest. Part of me wants a real kiss with the instant calm and the reassurance of her desire for me that comes with it. I want something normal to happen today.

“Eva.” When I don't add anything else, she lifts her head. I cup her cheek, lean forward, and meet her mouth. Eva hesitates before kissing me back. My muscles begin to lose their tension, but all it does is make me realize how utterly exhausted I am. I kiss her once more before pulling away. Eva's watching me and I hate that she's analyzing possible motives behind the kiss. “Thank you for being here.”

She nods and rests her head on my chest. I lean my head onto my pillow, immediately falling asleep.

Eva's been with me all the time, unless I'm at work or in class. Life is dull, numb, and I'm dreading the funeral. The only glimpse of brightness, of any positive emotions, is when I look at Eva. She's been quiet though. We both have. For her to be with me so much, I sure do miss her. I burn with a bit of guilt over it, but I try not to. This is what Kelly wanted, right? For me to be happy?

I need Eva to be Eva for me to be happy. Not this quiet, tip-toe-around-Emerson shit. But then, if I'm not acting myself either, it's no wonder she's reacting as she is. I sigh, the long, loud exhale adding to the tension in my truck. My hand tightens on the steering wheel, the leather now warm u

nderneath my palm.

Eva scoots over, rests a hand on my knee, and squeezes. I automatically switch hands to hold hers. “Are you going to hold my hand the entire time?” she asks.

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