Page 81 of Without a Doubt

“Probably,” I answer, unsure of where she's going with this.

“Try not to break it then.”

I glance over in confusion as she lifts our hands. Her fingertips are already turning red. “Damn it. I'm sorry.” I didn't realize I was holding on so hard. My grip forcefully lessens.

“It's okay. You've been doing it since we found out and my hand was starting to hurt more.”

“I'm sorry,” I repeat, trying not to sigh again. I keep hurting her, either with my silence or my words, and now apparently physically.

Eva shrugs. “You can massage them for me later.” The corners of my mouth tip upward. And then fall as she continues, “Are you going to be okay today?”

No. Yes. Somewhat. “Yeah. As long as you stay close by.”

She smiles, holding up our hands. “I don't think you're going to let me get very far.”

I can't help it. I laugh. It feels odd, kind of like when you find a picture of yourself you didn't know existed. You study it for a moment before the memories come and you realize where you where, how you felt, and who could have taken the picture. The oddness gives way to familiarity.

We're close, about twenty minutes out, and with each mile, there's a growing pressure on my chest. Selfishly, I wish I didn't have to come. I wish I didn't want to, so I wouldn't have to deal with it. Not dealing with issues never solves anything though. I need to be here today. For Kelly, for her parents, for myself.

We don't speak again until we arrive at the funeral home. I get out and turn to help Eva out. Her black dress rides up from where I grabbed her hips. She's wearing black heels, black stockings, and her black dress that falls to her knees and sleeves to her elbows. All of the black makes her blue eyes stand out that much more. Even for a funeral, she looks beautiful.

I smooth it down for her, muttering, “I hate these places.”

“You've had someone close to you die before?” she asks in that nosey Eva way of hers I've missed.

I nod. “My grandparents. You haven't?”

She shakes her head. “No. This is my first funeral.”

Well, that explains why she told me had no clue how to help. Even not knowing, she's managed to do everything I need her to do for me. I want to kiss her forehead, whisper how much I love her, but this isn't the time nor place. Instead, I take her hand, shut my door, and say, “Let's go.”

The parking lot is full, overwhelmingly so. There are a few small groups of people standing outside. There are friends from high school, people I don't recognize, and Kelly's uncles, aunts, and cousins milling around. They all seem to notice us at the same time. From this point on, we're going through the motions. People shake my hand or hug me, and apologize for my loss. It's as if Kelly and I never broke up, as if Eva isn't standing next to me.

Introducing her is pointless because they've moved on by the time I can get a word in. We eventually make it inside where more people are seemingly waiting to bombard us. Eva taps my hand and squeezes. I was holding on too hard again. I loosen my grip and I'm able to give her an apologetic smile before someone else comes up to me.

When we walk into the room where the wake is being held, my eyes are glued to the dark wooden casket. At least it's a closed casket. For the moment, the world narrows to only Eva and me. Kelly's parents are standing next to the casket, speaking to those occupying their attention. I gulp, feeling a little lightheaded.

“Let's sit down for a moment,” Eva suggests quietly, tugging on my hand. There are all of five chairs in the room, all sitting against three of the four walls. Eva leads me to an empty one in the corner, farthest away from everyone. I sit down while she perches on the armrest next to me, resting an arm around my shoulders.

The room feels like it's getting smaller and closing in on me. My throat aches. Swallowing is getting progressively worse as I blink rapidly to hold back the tears. Instinctively, I angle toward Eva and wrap my arms around her waist, laying my head on my forearm. I just need a moment. Her fingers play in my hair with her soothing touch. It's not enough though. My skin prickles and with my eyes closed, all I can see is her casket with the sickening knowledge of her being inside. Eva shifts. Next thing I know, she's sitting sideways in my lap, wrapping her arms around my shoulders as I bury my face into her neck. I inhale deeply. Her perfume begins to ground me.

“Okay?” she whispers.

I nod. I'm getting there.

A hushed, harsh whisper says, “You do not need to be sitting in his lap right now.”

I ignore it. This is what I need to get through this. Everyone's opinion be damned. Eva twists her head and in the same tone replies, “With all due respect, Mrs. Montgomery, please go away. It would be more helpful if you gave us a moment.”

Shit. It's my mom? A moment goes by and I kiss her neck in appreciation.

“I don't think your mother likes me anymore.”

I was starting to think the same thing to be honest. It's like all of a sudden, Mom disapproves of Eva. I don't know if it's because of what has happened with Kelly or because of Luke.

“People are starting to walk out.” She glances away. “Her parents are free for a moment if you're ready to see them.”

How could I ever be ready for a moment like this? I lift my head to meet her eyes. I cup her face and rest my forehead against hers. “Thank you.” All she does is nod before standing up.

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