Page 93 of The Holiday Ex-Files

Did I ever. “Yes. But . . .” I placed a finger on his inviting lips. “Love, Noah. That’s huge. You’re in love with me.” I could barely say it.

He kissed my finger before he removed it from his lips. “Yeah, Cams, I love you. I’ve tried not to, but there’s been no getting over you, even when I knew it was Ben you would choose.”

That was obviously a grave mistake on my part, but I didn’t even know I had the choice. Except, at the time, I know I wouldn’t have chosen differently. Ben called to my soul. I hated to admit that, but it was true. But how was I so blind to the man in front of me?

“Does Ben know about the baby?” Noah whispered.

I shook my head. “For days I tried to tell him, but how could I when he threw me away so easily? And I hated myself for believing a baby would solve our problems. I was so stupid,” I choked out.

Noah stroked my hair. “He was the idiot, not you.”

“But I was. I let him own me and destroy me with hardly a fight. That scares me, Noah.” What if I allowed that to happen again?

“I know,” he sounded resigned. “Which is why I walked away on Saturday. I realized it wasn’t me who could heal your heart, as much as I’ve wanted to. That’s so damn frustrating.”

I rested my hands on his chest. “Your frustration makes a lot more sense to me now.”

“Yes, you’re maddening, but I wouldn’t change you for anything.”

My eyes stung with happy tears. “You don’t know how much that means to me. How much you have meant to me, but . . .” I paused. “This is a big deal. I feel like I’m trying to get to know who I am right now. I don’t want to frustrate you in the process.”

His lips pressed against mine. My tears landed on our melded lips, making the kiss salty and sweet.

“Find your Christmas, Cami. Find you. Whoever she is, I’ll love her,” he spoke gently against my lips.

A swell of emotion filled every fiber of my being. He had no idea what that meant to me. “I know this isn’t fair of me to ask, but do you promise?” I didn’t want to lose him, not when I had just found out he was an option.

“I’m not going anywhere. As long as there is breath in me, I will have hope that we’ll be together.”

My hands wandered up his chest, wound around his neck and ran through that gorgeous hair of his. This time I kissed him. I was anxious and greedy and begged him with my tongue to devour me. He did a thorough job while his hands owned all my curves, pressing ever deeper, as if he couldn’t believe he could touch me. Yet, he was quick to pull away.

He swallowed hard and inhaled deeply. “We need to stop before I think about caulking with you.” He winked.

I giggled.

“Cams.” He tenderly ran a finger down my cheek. “I think you need to tell Ben about the baby.”

He caught me off guard. “Why? He won’t care.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he whispered. “Regardless, do it for you. You deserve to be free of him, and he needs to be accountable. Don’t let him own any part of you for another day.”

I knew he was right. As weird as it sounded, for so long it seemed easier to hold on to it. The pain gave me a cover to hide behind. But as I looked in front of me at Noah, I didn’t want to hide anymore.

Psst. Psst, Cami, Miss Sparkly interrupted my moment. I’m actually surprised she hadn’t popped up earlier. You better hurry up and find your Christmas. I need some more of Noah.

You and me both.

Chapter Thirty

Dear Ex-Filers, “Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.” ?Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Do you ever feel like a puzzle with missing pieces? Or that you have all the pieces but you don’t know how they all fit together? Or maybe you’ve been trying to force the wrong pieces into the empty spaces. Sorry to wax poetic so early in the morning. I’m just over here trying to figure out who I am, while I watch a group of women in a parking lot at 2:00 a.m. diagramming their store route for when the doors open at 4:00. Now they just swiped black makeup under their eyes. It’s straight out of a locker room scene in a football movie. I’m not sure if I’m impressed or disturbed.

For anyone Black Friday shopping, please remember, don’t wear red if you’re going to Target. You’re welcome for the reminder. Stay safe out there, friends. By the look of these ladies in the parking lot, people mean business.

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