Page 92 of Silent Partner (Pine Falls 3)

“That night had nothing to do with you,” she said point-blank. “Just like John’s choices had nothing to do with me.”

“So that’s it? I should just forget about it?” I angrily cried.

“No. No.” She took my hands. “You have every right to be hurt. I just don’t want you to make it about yourself. You aren’t any less because of that night. Just like I’m not any less of a person because of John’s choices. Though there will be plenty of people, when this all comes out, who will want to make me feel that way. We can’t let them, darling,” she pleaded.

I think she was pleading more with herself.

She sat up a little taller. “Don’t let anyone put you in the passenger seat of your life. You are the driver.”

“So where do we drive to?” I gave her a small smile.

She softly laughed. “Darling, that is a good question. I’m not sure yet.”

“Does that mean you and John are over?”

She squeezed my hands. “John and I will never be over. He’s too much a part of me. I’m not me without him. As far as our marriage goes, I don’t know, to be honest with you. Some days I wake up and think, This is the day I’m going to file for divorce, but then I’ll remember the man who never left my side with every illness and miscarriage I had over the years. The man who cried when our sons were born and stayed up with them night after night, staring at them because he couldn’t get enough of them. The man who saw me as more than a poor waitress. Who would give just about anyone the shirt off his back. That man still lives inside of John.” She longingly sighed. “So, I go another day living in this world where I can’t live without him, but I can’t live with him. It’s a special kind of hell.”

Her pain was so palpable it engulfed the room.

“I’m so sorry” was all I could offer her.

She waved away my concern. “Don’t be. This is my choice, for now. Now you have to make yours.”

I puffed out my cheeks and blew out a bunch of air. Where did I want to steer my car? “Would you be mad if I chose to run over Brant?”

She laughed loudly for a moment before she gave me such a sympathetic look. “You know, I think it would probably make him feel better if you did. He hates what he did, and he hates that he hurt you. I hate that I hurt you. Will you please forgive me?”

I stared into her kind, watery eyes. In them I saw someone hurting just as much or more than me. I also saw a mother willing to do anything to help her son. A mother willing to do anything to help me. I found myself nodding. Her smile gave me a small moment of peace.

One down, two to go, I thought to myself. Though how I would forgive them, I didn’t know.

Chapter Twenty-Four

I was rolling, rolling, rolling. My mother was screaming my name. I was reaching for her; the farther I reached, the farther she drifted away. I needed her. I was sinking into a crushing state of loneliness and fear, so much that I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if I would suffocate in the darkness. Then a tiny light appeared, wrapped up in a voice. “Kinsley, I’m here. Wake up,” Brant’s voice begged. For a moment I felt saved; then I remembered he had the power to hurt me more than anyone. I refused to wake up, to heed his call. He persisted and called again. “Kinsley, please wake up,” he pleaded. “You don’t need to be afraid.”

I was afraid, so I remained in the dark. Alone. Rolling and rolling and rolling. I was about to go over a cliff, and I knew it was the end. But before I rolled off the edge, a hand reached out and grabbed ahold of me, refusing to let me go. “I’ve got you. I love you, Kinsley,” Brant’s voice jerked me awake. I bolted upright on my grandparents’ couch and startled Oscar, who showed his disapproval by clawing my leg.

“Ouch,” I cried out loud, in the semi-dark. Tiny embers from the fireplace gave a beautiful glow to the room.

Unfortunately, my cry of pain hadn’t gone unnoticed. Grandpa raced down the stairs faster than a man half his age could. “You okay, kiddo?” he asked as he went.

“I’m fine. Sorry to wake you. I had a bad dream is all. Well, and my cat isn’t too happy I woke him up.”

Grandpa still headed my way. He took a seat on the coffee table and gave me a good once-over. “You’re troubled.”

I lay back down and sank against my fluffy pillow, holding Oscar tightly. “I’ve been having bad dreams for a while now. Well, just one bad dream.”

---